What we should have feared all along is all the stupid people banding together.
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Cop1: Has becoming a father affected your work
Cop2: Not a bit
Cop1: Ok cover me, I’m going in
Cop2: HI GOING IN I’M DAD
[both get shot]
saw the new Barbie movie and to be honest I expected a lot more shrimp to be thrown on her
TINDER DATE: When you said you looked exactly like you do in your profile pic, you weren’t lying.
ME: *kneeling outside the movie theatre, holding a fish* Nice to meet you, Rebecca.
Alright hear me out: gigs in the morning. 8am doors, 9am showtime. Coffee at the bar. Church shouldn’t get to corner the market on morning entertainment anymore.
The angel on my shoulder says I should be doing more with my life.
Wait, no, that’s just my mom talking. I forgot I left my phone there.
in today’s fast-paced world we simply don’t have time for CEOs to be visited by three Christmas ghosts
Mary Poppins: 🎶A spoonful of sugar makes the medicine go down🎶
Death Row inmate: how did you get in here
Ugh
That awkward moment when twins realize that one of them was not planned
I’d totally shake what my momma gave me but abandonment issues aren’t really a tangible physical manifestation…..
A new survey shows that most Canadians aren’t looking to return to the office full-time. Just a thought, have you guys tried putting a bed in there?
Vegetable soup is simply cooked salad
Take a selfie with me one last time
-the sign on my casket
people that brag about not eating processed foods like, okay??? what are you eating when you’re depressed? a carrot? we’re all dying, grow up and eat a hot dog from the street like the rest of us, pathetic
Got a passcode lock that takes a picture whenever someone tries the wrong code to look in my phone.
I now have fifty pictures of drunk me.
“No son of mine is going to spend his entire day playing video games!” I tell everyone on various social media sites.
BREAKING: Apple reportedly prepping electric car.
Battery life is expected to be about an hour, with a 2 foot charging cable.
me: the human body is an imperfect vessel
me after watching olympic gymnastics: okay maybe just my body
Friend: Your makeup looks nice.
Me: Thanks. I went to a wedding last weekend.
It’s so sad when you have to tell the person you love that you’ve already seen the post they’re showing you
I’ve never really found myself “in a pickle,” but it sounds quite jarring.
The Secret Service was chasing me but I painted a tunnel on the side of a wall and they all ran into it
Just ordered a second airport beer and now worried about making rent
I dunno…maybe the Mars Rover can find all the spoons and bowls in my kids bedroom.
I hate it when I forget to bring my phone in the car and have to read a shampoo bottle while I drive.
Me: This edible isn’t working.
Me 20 min. later: Lifts the toilet seat expecting it will turn on the bathroom light.
If dogs take after their owners, I need to work on my posture.
this was the best i’ve ever seen
[Son’s 1st day of school]
Me: Did you make any friends today?
Son: Yes!
Me: *kneels down next to him* how do you do that?
“I don’t expect much so I am rarely disappointed”
– People who haven’t met me yet