What we should have feared all along is all the stupid people banding together.
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The Wizard of Oz is my favourite movie about serial murder for personal gain.
I’m that aunt who laughs when my brother is scolding his kids and now we’re all in trouble.
My neighbor’s car alarm has apparently never heard the story of The Boy Who Cried Wolf.
Virgo: Sure you can slake your thirst on the blood of your enemies but be careful, their tears have all the electrolytes.
Pluto wasn’t even a planet for a full year on Pluto. Do you ever think about that? No. You only think about yourself.
her: the limit on tacos is 6 per person, sir
me: can i get 7
her: no
me: 8
her: no
me: 9
her: no
me: 10
her: you can’t do this forever
me: are you even familiar with numbers
her: yes?
me: 11
ME: I think I have coronavirus, every morning I wake up aching and sick. It usually goes away by the afternoon, but the next day same thing.
FRIEND: It’s a hangover. You’re drinking 2 bottles of wine a night in quarantine.
ME: My God… wine causes the coronavirus!
[i read a pun]
me: ugh, no[i make a pun]
me: BEHOLD THE ARTISTRY
This oxygen mask is bullshit. I don’t look like oxygen at all.
I really hope someone makes a movie about a time traveler that keeps going to 2020 to fix it but makes it worse each time
Him: How close is the storm?
Me: Let me Google it.
*laptop blows away*Pretty close.
If you go to jail for tax evasion, you are living off taxes for not paying taxes.
Mailboxes were invented so you know how far away you can be in a robe before you look like a mental patient.
I think my concept of time is way off since the pandemic started. Every day I see something like “happy 57th anniversary to the premiere of Two and a Half Men”.
CASHIER: $57.85
ME: do u accept food stamps
C: of course
M: sweet *presses my apple stamper to an ink pad* which hand do u want it on
Husband: my back hurts
Me, cracking my neck and knuckles while speaking in a fake Russian accent: I massage you???
security at the airport getting more straightforward
The landlord knocks, and I open the door. Surprise, surprise: in lieu of paying the rent on time, I’ve grown an enormous mustache with curly ends. He sputters in rage as I laugh. We both know that I’m the landlord now
Cat: Human, congratulations, I’ve chosen your face to sleep upon tonight. If at some point you cannot breathe, do not wake me.
“Dogs are assholes”
DOG PERSON: YOU’RE an asshole!
“Cats are assholes”
CAT PERSON: Yeah
My friend reckons he’s going to make a fortune flying people about in his invisible aeroplane. I can’t see it taking off.
I offered to split the check but my date insisted we go old fashion and fight to the death.
This is not how I wanted to learn the Greek alphabet
Whoa whoa whoa, I thought that was OUR thing!
-me to my favorite cashier when she smiles at other customers
Never look at the guy riding a unicycle, you’re giving him what he wants
Nice romantic weekend with the husband.
Me: Babe I just took my sleeping pill you have about 15 minutes to get some.
Husband: My stomach is bothering me from dinner.
Me: Ok goodnight
{asks friend for help with a draft}
*two minutes later*
‘I’d love to help you, but I honestly have no idea where your thought process is taking us here’Me: “It’s fine, really
…..it’s not you, it’s me!”
HR called me in today and told me I have a bad attitude. So they’re transferring me over to IT and giving me a raise.
*brings donuts to work*
Co-worker: I have a gluten allergy, so I have to watch what I eat.
Me: Cool, then you can WATCH me eat this donut.