What weighs 20kgs and has eaten 2kgs of freshly roasted smoked gammon?
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I don’t see any clouds today so where is your data really stored?
Ever since my boss discovered my Twitter account, these drug tests are seeming a lot less ‘random’.
Sometimes I loiter outside of Victoria’s Secret just so people think I have a girlfriend.
My kids don’t enjoy cleaning so much as they enjoy spraying cleaning supplies everywhere
2013: why would anyone care what the losers on reddit think
2023: the losers on reddit are the last remaining source on the internet for reviews of products and services that aren’t paid for or some kind of scam
[lights 2016 calendar on fire]
There. Now you can’t hurt anyone any longer.
[wind blows calendar onto my coat; I’m engulfed in flames]
After about 15 games, I’m starting to think that none of these fantasies are going to be final.
I never set out to be the hottest woman in the nursing home yet here we are.
I’m still traumatized about being shaken down for lunch money by the third grade bully. What makes it worse is that I was his third grade teacher at the time.
New Year, New Me
New Me [looking around]: absolutely not
Always get worried when I see a “thieves operate here” sign. Who is letting thieves do surgery?
No one is more unnecessarily confident than a white person that just ordered Mexican food in a Spanish accent.
[interrogation]
“Where were u on the nite of the 5th?”
Stabbing a guy.
“Louder for the tape.”
[leans in]
Grabbing a pie. I went out for pie.
Crying on the way home from visiting my kid at college.
I miss her already but mostly I’m crying because she took all the money from my purse.
“Be strong” I whisper to my coffee.
Watching TV
Detective: … and the horribly mangled remains were found on October 25th…
Me: Woo! They said my birthday!
ME: *showing my new girlfriend my golf clubs* I’ve been playing for years.
HER: Cool. Did you ever get a hole-in-one?
ME: No, they’re made of metal so they’re pretty strong.
HER: I need to see other people
This guy got on the bus and just stared at me and Lulabelle on my lap for a solid 30 seconds then goes “are you allowed to have dogs on the bus” and I just shrugged thinking he was gonna give me shit or something but then he pulls out a chihuahua out of nowhere
In honor of Mother’s Day here’s my favorite text my mom has ever sent me
Wanna play a dangerous game? It’s called taking a nap at 4.
Even death won’t stop my mom from criticizing me
The key to losing weight is to eat like you’re in a video game — don’t bother with it until you’re about to die and then eat an apple
Just because you didn’t say “thank you” doesn’t mean I’m won’t say “you’re welcome.” No need for us both to behave the way you were raised.
okay, so you’re definitely the best at keeping your body completely still, what do you want, atrophy?
Mom: how’s your little cult thing going honey?
Me: [sigh] mom Twitter isn’t a cult.
Dad: it sounds like a cult to me.
Mom: 80k people follow him Harold.
Me: seriously not a cult.
Dad: what do you call all those people?
Me:
Mom:
Dad:
Me: my followers.
Exchange student: my village back home still lacks access to clean water
Me: ugh I know how you feel. we’ve needed a Target for like, ever
Co-worker: *tells story*
Me: I’m so sorry to hear that.
CW: What? It’s not a bad story.
Me: No, I’m just really sorry I had to hear it.
Either I put a bit of weight on during the pandemic or a meteor hit my memory foam mattress last night.
She is very cute, has great energy! 😂
i guess i’m not sure how to end a relationship correctly walking towards him banging a pan loudly with a wooden spoon did not work