What weighs 20kgs and has eaten 2kgs of freshly roasted smoked gammon?
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HIM: What are you doing?
ME: Hiding some more money in the couch. Can’t trust the banks you know.
HIM: How much is in there?
ME: $5.40
I wish there were musical cues in real life like there are in the movies so I’d know when I’m about to do something stupid.
Someone in the office sneezed so instead of saying “bless you” I looked them dead in the eyes and sprayed a can of Lysol.
A Harris-Walz ticket would be a disaster for proper usage of apostrophes in this country.
I hear the Pink Panther song when I sneak down the hall for a midnight snack..
ME: i love you
HER: i love you too
ME: …ok wow i put my heart on the line and you’re telling me your favorite band
As a little girl, I dreamt of being whisked away by a handsome prince.
It’s my husband’s dream now.
I once beat boxed for over 6 hours trying to impress a girl before finding out she was deaf.
lol sometimes I-
[a mum] “yeah well TRY HAVING KIDS”
Me when I see someone that knows me in public..
Sex so bad the Oompa Loompas sang a song about it.
“Oooo, a window. Let’s see if I can fly through it.” – Dumbass birds
ʎɐqǝ uo pɹɐoqʎǝʞ ɐ ʎnq ı ǝɯıʇ ʇsɐן ǝɥʇ sı sıɥʇ
Five-word horror story:
“I’m going that way too”
If you just hang in there life gets really good by episode 4000
a talented computer hacker can bring down any man, no matter how rich or powerful, by smashing him over the head with a brick
Tried escaping the morning crazies by drinking my coffee on the patio but it turns out the morning crazies have legs and arms and they just followed me out there
Why are we forcing a single payer military plan on everyone? There should be a basic military that covers you, and if you want to bomb another country on top of that, you pay for it yourself. It’s about choice
One of my “100 things to do before you die” would definitely be “call an ambulance”.
*takes pen and notepad from psychiatrist’s hand
“This’ll go quicker if you let me do it.”
I accidentally knocked my client’s glasses off his face, so I gasped and said “Superman?!” but he didn’t laugh
when i am in a store i always seek out the dustiest corner and lay my eggs there
Me *points gun at clerk*: stick ’em up!! Put Algebra 25 and *looks at college syllabus* Psychology 15 in the backpack!
Wife: Sarah’s husband gives her flowers EVERY day. I wish you’d do that!
Me: uh ok[next day]
Me *giving Sarah flowers* no I don’t get it either
If I were Noah, I’d bring 3 of every animal just to create some drama.
i never would have bought this abandoned lighthouse if i knew that the city wouldn’t let me drop watermelons from the top
Hemorrhoids should be called a more gender-neutral name, such as themorrhoids.
“I love you and I will always keep you safe.”
DAUGHTER: What about bees?
“I love you and I will sometimes keep you safe.”
Girls who go to finishing school know all of the Mortal Kombat fatalities.
*sharpens claws of two dozen lobsters*
*sets loose in back yard*
*never mows again*