Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

THEM: Hey, I haven’t seen you for a while.

ME: As planned.

peter parker, bitten by radio-active spider: *donates $65 to NPR*

I was always taught that every girl’s dream was to marry a Prince but according to my girlfriend it’s actually owning a 1600 watt ionic diffusion Dyson hairdryer.

A tanning bed that turns you over like a rotisserie chicken.

Where are you going, sharks? I’m not done.

Iceland is like a guy who brags he was prom king and captain of the varsity basketball team and yearbook editor and then you find out he was homeschooled.

My mom is learning how to use emoji and today she sent me the thumbs up. Did my mom break up with me? Oh well. We had a pretty good run.

doctors won’t tell you this but reattaching a limb isn’t that hard what’s hard is getting it to stay after it’s had a taste of freedom

And then he tweeted…..
“SEE YOU IN COURT”
After just LOSING IN COURT‼️

When all you wanted was a good paying job, but now you have to touch base, circle back, dive deep, be more impactful, come up with action plans, utilize your resources, go above and beyond, and piggyback off of what Susan said

Decorated the house across the street so I can look out the window and enjoy my handiwork.

INTERVIEWER: You worked in a NASCAR pit crew? How does that qualify you to work here at the Men’s Wearhou

*I’ve already changed his pants*

The priest said that the demon really wants to leave, but I’m way too clingy, so the exorcism didn’t work.

I’m embedded with a mall-walking group. Tomorrow, we’re splitting a Cinnabon eight ways.

A lot of people don’t know this but the couch that played coffee shop couch in Friends is a couch in real life too

Finally shaved my armpits and found the factory reset button

[doctor’s]

INVISIBLE MAN: Am I cured doc?

DR: Your tests are all clear

IM: Is that good?

DR: [talking to wrong empty chair] I’m not sure

Fact: kangaroos will carry their children in their pouches until the kids demand to be dropped off a block before their destination so as not to be embarrassed in front of their friends.

They should punish kids who do well in school with more homework to prepare them for what happens to people who are efficient at their jobs.

Hot girls tweet things like “his words. my curves. pain. my soul. barbecue sauce” and get 27k likes WTF is this app

Hotel reviews are pure chaos. You’ll read, “Breathtaking lobby. Extraordinary suites. My stay filled me with a deep & lasting sense of peace.” Then the next one’s like, “This dump is FILTHY! Elevator was SLOW! Ice machine TIPPED over & I’m STILL pinned BENEATH IT!!!”

Kid just asked “why is it called ‘flipping the bird’? Why not turtle? Flipping the Turtle.” I can’t even answer that bc WHY NOT TURTLE?!

We need to invent a rectangular fruit now that the banana is no longer an accurate representation of the phone-shape. Lotta my bits don’t make sense anymore.

Seriously, calm down. I backed into you by accident.

Him: You hit me three times!

Why yes, Autocorrect, I AM driving to work in a horse-drawn cabbage.

Aaaa…CHOO!

Am I the only one who whispers, “Get a job,” into the baby monitor?

Not to expose myself for being dumb—but the vet told me my dog had a spot that might be a melanoma and the first words out of my mouth were “oh that does run in our family.” Like, I really forgot for a sec that I did not give birth to her.

[first day as a midwife]

ME: Keep pushing! I can see the head!

NURSE: You’re at the wrong end.

I got a shopping cart today with 4 working wheels, it was full of lingerie models and self confidence and I was dreaming