What weighs 20kgs and has eaten 2kgs of freshly roasted smoked gammon?
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Men don’t ignore us; they have selective hearing. Give them instructions for roasted turkey & they’ll remember “breast, thighs, moist & hot”
Almost broke up with my therapist on the spot when she said she had never seen Ratatouille. How could she possibly help me she knows nothing
My son came home from golfing & took the longest nap. When he woke up, he said, “I took a total Dad nap. I’m going to make the best Dad!”
Something tells me his future wife will not agree with this.
I’m an ass man, myself. 100% ass. Made of ass & butts & that’s it. This thing that looks like a face? Ass. These fists? Little butts. Hi.
Hallmark movie writer’s room:
“Alright, let’s get started.”
(4 minutes later)
“OK, that’s a wrap on 27 movies, good job everyone.”
HR: Know why we called you down?
Me: Hmm…my trench coat?
HR: Try again.
Me: Because I’m naked under my trench coat?
my astrological sign is a french fry
Coworker: Are you into heavy metal?
Me: Uranium is OK I guess.
C:
M:
C:
M:
C: I like Metallica.
That’s not even on the periodic table
*opens assassination store*
*makes a killing*
My daughter just announced she’s SICK of stupid-ass people. I said “Oh darlin, you’re gonna feel ill for a long time.. they’re everywhere.”
My kid keeps asking if we can buy school merch, and sir you are 7 and that is a t-shirt
🔥🔥
Thanks to Target’s full length 3 way mirrors, I’m now painfully aware I look like a melting candle from the back.
I can’t blame this generation too much for doing stupid stuff. My generation thought 7 Police Academy movies were a good idea
About to go for a run, because shoplifting
Nobody:
Neighbors: THEYRE ASLEEP LETS SET OFF ALL THE FIREWORKS
Friend: I’m getting married
Me: OMG, I’m so sorry. How long do you have?
Telling the server about the dead bug in your salad seems like a good idea until you see the protein up-charge on your bill.
My 3 year old cat literally just walked up to me and said, “Mother, it is absolutely shocking how many people on Twitter lie about things their children supposedly do and say.” And he’s right.
I keep sending TikTok clips to 18 and she keeps ignoring them. Girl do you know how many handstands you made me watch in the pool? You owe me.
If Vanilla Ice was a priest:
🎶If you have a sin, yo, I’ll solve it / read the Good Book while my DJ absolves it! 🎶
Hallelujah started playing at church today
Kid behind me: mom this is the Shrek song
Thank god there is still hope for the next generation.
DATE: So tell me about yourself
ME: My brain sturdy like large oak table
DATE: Ok
My kids have been helping our neighbors in their garden and now I’m having Children of the Corn flashbacks.
religion? um, ha, no. i’m not really into the idea of letting a set of ancient rules dictate my life. plus, pisces aren’t usually religious
My three favorite things are eating my wife and not using punctuation
Boys who wear sports jerseys are just cosplaying athletes but no one is ready to have that conversation yet.
M: what’s this about, 007?
James Bond: he’s plotting revolution, ma’am
M: are you sure?
JB: he’s happy to confess, ask him
M: *turning to the suspect* what do you have to say for yourself?
pigeon: coo
M: my god man, you’re right!
I’m sorry, can you repeat that? I was imagining how you would look as a lamp shade.