Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

That depressing moment you thought a hot chick was checking you out in the beer aisle but only to find out she was just a cardboard cutout.

Wife: [reaches for the fries on my plate]

Me: [slides grocery divider between plates]

Wife: you said you didn’t take that from the store.

Me: and you said you didn’t want any fries but here we are.

The chip dip i ate with a spoon may not have helped my weight loss, but the diarrhea it gave me sure did.

[new job]
BOSS: how bout u introduce yourself
ME: I’m Howie
BOSS: Howie?
ME: Dewitt
BOSS: everyone this is Howie Dewitt
ME: *starts dancing*

“Where do babies comes from?”

Well, son, when a man and a woman love each other very much they make poor decisions.

Cosmetic surgery is a great way to spend your life savings and end up looking like a surprised owl.

My next-door-neighbor is such a bitch that regardless of what she says to me; I simply reply, “You’re barking up the wrong tree.”

I love it when people yell when trying to communicate with someone who doesn’t speak their language.

Thank you for screaming “do you understand?” That was just what I needed to become fluent in your language on the spot.

This is the greatest and I won’t hear otherwise.

Who hurt you ?

Me: Monday.

I got a spam email telling me my online reputation needs some work. And, now I want to know which one of you has been running your mouth.

Apparently “my brain hurts” isn’t a legit reason to leave work early

My daughter and I decided to play Monopoly, and we’ve been arguing about the rules for the last hour.

Of all the things the Internet has lied to me about, the ease and enthusiasm with which a cat will ride a Roomba is the biggest.

Just won a sausage biscuit at this basketball game. Never give up on your dreams.

Pronounces daughter like laughter because cool dad

Want to make a nerd’s head explode? Go to any site that posted the new Star Wars trailer & write “Where’s Captain Kirk?” in the comments.

How can I say no to this ?

Before you take advice from me… you should know I walk around my house in my underwear while complaining about being cold.

Nursing school doesn’t prepare you for the number of elderly patients who will casually confess to decades-old murders.

My dog, a descendant of the wolf, runs to me and cries when a leaf gets stuck to his paw

babe what’s wrong you’ve barely touched any of your triceramisu

*doesnt stand for national anthem as protest against people who don’t stand for national anthem*

[sitting at bar next to cute woman]
You remind me of my late wife.
“Oh I’m so sorry.”
Don’t be, *looks across restaurant* there she is now.

me: one more peep outta you & I’m turning this car around

child (pukes up Easter candy):

me: ok that’s it!

Two eggs, some bacon, and a piece of toast walk into a bar. The bartender says, hey! We don’t serve breakfast here. #Tellyourworstjoke

Bartender: A shot of whiskey can cleanse the soul

Me: *thinks back to the time I “experimented” in college* I’ll take 27 bottles please

I’ll only give a restaurant a 5 star review if the couple at the next table are breaking up.

how come in movies people can punch each other 500 times while falling off a building and get up but in real life i accidentally kicked the end of the couch and i had to lie on the floor for 30 minutes

Why are you being weird about how we made eye contact and both smiled and then I took the form of an actual bat and chased you for 11 miles