What were you doing in the shower for so long?
Me: Just shaving my legs and definitely not pretending to be in a sad music video in the rain
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Felix went to the moon, took 5 photos. She went to the bathroom, took 37 photos.
Why is it called ‘Your Bowels’ and not ‘Your Instinks’
I’ve got lots of frenemies. That’s what I call French people who are my enemies.
[throwes some foam packing peanuts into a pond]
“HEY! NO LITERING–”
shh wait
[a flock of rubber duckies float over squeaking excitedley]
At my funeral play the Super Mario original theme until my casket is lowered in the ground then play the underground music
If Socrates had been a woman, he would’ve said: All I know is that I have all these clothes, but I have nothing to wear.
Why do Nashville’s tourists feel the need to cosplay farmers and cowboys when they visit our city? I don’t dress up like a bagel or the Statue of Liberty when I visit New York City. I just wear my normal clothes.
I just wanna be alone but I have all this internet access.
My 9-year-old brought a guinea pig to the table for lunch. Then she left to get something from the kitchen. Now the guinea pig and I are just staring at each other. Awkward lunch for two.
Maybe I’m the problem..
Nvm that don’t even sound right
My family doesn’t know about the secret compartment under the floorboards where I keep my working phone charger, sharpies and toothpaste that I squeeze from the bottom
me, too, girl. me, too.
You think you have it rough? I’m playing hangman with a 6yo who can’t spell.
Dolly Parton is trending. I will just assume she’s won some Olympic medals and is acting like it’s no big deal.
In lieu of working today i’m gonna commit crimes
I’ve been doing “CrossFit” every day for the last few years.
I cross my fingers and hope that some of my clothes still fit.
#SundayMorning #RubbishJokes #Fitness
Ordered food and they got it right but labeled everything wrong. It’s like Russian roulette but if you lose, you still get a cheeseburger.
Sephora employee: “you have 70000 points, you can choose from any of these things”
Peacock: *spreads feathers at me*
Husband: It’s trying to attract you as a mate
Me: *shyly lifts top*
Husband: no
dumbledore, completely wasted: I should have know you’d be here professor mcgonagall
some random cat:
A cell phone with a low battery is nothing more than a damn-cell in distress
*Tries to warm up car*
Car: I have a boyfriend
My sister in law got my daughter a doll that sings and blows bubbles and I can’t wait for revenge. I mean my niece’s birthday.
When I’m mad at my husband, I ask him to help me find my phone and then put it in my pocket on silent.
Oh, the other kind of staff meeting.
*Gets dressed.
Colleagues confronted me about my terrible similes. Like crows trapped in a Smucker’s jar, I’d have to murder my way out of yet another jam.
About to prop up a cardboard box with a stick on a string and put a hoodie under it.
My son is watching Up, and asked if they tried to get a baby by having sex.
If I have to picture Carl and Ellie doing the nasty, so do you.
The best thing about going to see a film with your child is them insisting on going to the toilet 2 minutes before the end.
