What…what happens if the crabs learn how to read???
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Rebranding demon possession as a cure for loneliness.
He was a meter boy, she said see you liter boy
[first date]
ME:
HIM:
*20 minutes later*
ME: how about we text each other
HIM: *already typing*
If you dropped two noodles on the floor, they would probably resemble my name more than my signature does…
Why do they say “character actress”? Is that to differentiate them from the all those actresses that only play walls and bits of furniture?
My high school guidance counselor asked what kind of job I wanted and I said “probably something laid back where you can just sit in an office and play solitaire.” She said “those jobs don’t exist.” I was like “oh—well how did you become a high school guidance counselor?”
The worst part of getting struck by lightning is everyone seeing your skeleton
Who said chivalry is dead, I open the door at least a hundred times a day for my cat and dogs.
Surprised my wife with French fries. She didn’t ask for it, the bag just fell on her when she opened the fridge.
[dentist giving me a filling]
Me: guh uh hag a hogreg?
Dentist stops: what?
Me: do you have a boyfriend?
*5 yo on her kindergarten Zoom class*
Teacher: “So what do you do before joining our Zoom class?”
5yo: “My mommy hits me and says ‘do good!”
Me, no make-up, bagel crumbs on my face, unexpectedly joining the Zoom class: “SHE MEANS I HIGH FIVE HER HAND!!!”
“Cantaloupe? Or WON’Taloupe?” *SPLAT* Next week on MELON JUSTICE!
People say “like a boss” as if they forgot how much bosses suuuuck
Every day I go to work and draw a little tick on everyone who didn’t say goodbye to me the day before.
Me: Will you marry me?
Her: No
Backing singers: She said no! she said no!
Me: Not now
Once in a while I post a subtweet. I hope you’re reading this Susan. I want my Gameboy back. Bitch.
She who has black counters shalt not purchase black cell phones
new boss: mind sharing an office?
me: no
NB: Good [points to room filled w/wolves] bc we finally contained them please keep the door closed
oh sorry i cant im busy that day
Teamwork is essential, it allows you to blame someone else.
my doctor asked if it burns when I pee. I said only when it gets in my eyes.
Your Bio says you like music. That’s amazing. Seems like everybody else around here hates music. Kindred spirits, you and I.
How’d you get a black eye?
Walked into a door.
[Later, another shiner]
More doors?
*nods*
One does not simply walk into more doors.
Saw a friend I haven’t seen in over 20 years tonight. She asked if I had any pics of my kids. You don’t realize how many pics of Harry Styles, Louis Tomlinson & dogs you have until someone is hovering over you. The scrolling I had to do to get to pics of my real children. 🤦🏼♀️
I’ve yet to find the village where people help you raise your kids
I wasted so many years trying to fit in, covering my accent, starving myself, straightening my hair, and trying to make others like me. The moment i realized that wasn’t freedom and said NO MORE, my entire life changed!! We are always enough as we are❤️
showed up to a party wearing the same shirt as someone else, how did we both fit in one shirt
The final dance in Dirty Dancing, but they’re dancing to The Muppet Show theme tune.
Some days you’re the Titanic, some days you’re the iceberg, and some days you’re the guy who jumped off and hit a propeller on the way down.