What…what happens if the crabs learn how to read???
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Recipes that call for cheese are always 2 cups short.
My book group read “Ventriloquism for Dummies” this month. We met in the living room, but it sounded like we were in the kitchen.
[moon landing]
ME: the beagle has landed
HOUSTON: you mean eagle?
ME: (holding the puppy I snuck onboard) nope
*Turning off led flashlight.
Led flashlight: hahahahaha
Brain: He mentioned marriage again. You know what to do.
*sets phone on fire*
My husband just walked in on me getting a pretty intimate backrub from this one wall corner in the kitchen and suggested we get a room.
Hey baby, I’m like Fred Flintstone I can really make your bed-rock. Also I live in a cave and don’t have any electricity
[radioshack meeting]
employee: sir, overall sales are really low.
CEO: when did we start selling overalls, bro?
The reason God calls all of us his children is so he can claim us all as dependents.
Waiter, Waiter, my date spilled her water.
No problem, I’ll get you another one.
Thanks, but make sure she likes football.
#WaiterJokes #RubbishJokes #Puns #DadJokes
“We are launching new bright color marketing, we heard people like it!”
Who? Who did you ask? Cardi B? Vanilla Ice? DJ Jazzy Jeff?
“Let’s check in with Ted our correspondent in the field.”
Ted: “Hey Bob I’ve been in this field for about an hour, and I’m super bored.”
*first time at a Michelin restaurant*
Me: “One order of tires, please.”
‘Sorry I liked your Facebook status, I was using my laptop as a plate’- my autobiography
I sleep with my clothes on and one eye open. Not because I’m scared, but my zipper is broken and I’ve had too much botox on one side.
today my daughter’s preschool teacher told me she was going to separate my kid and her bff because “they’re codependent and fall apart without each other.” like ok thanks mrs smith, where were you when I was dating in my twenties
I don’t get the uproar over guns made with 3D printers. I mean how would anyone get a potential victim to put those glasses on anyway?
Rather alarming headline…
Before you try to convince me that people aren’t really all that dumb let me point out that TikTok has a “no filter” filter
“I am the way and the truth and the life and the muthafuckin’ shizznit.” (Snoop 4:20).
if you mash a potato and then change your mind, just mail me the mashed potato and i will un-mash it and send it back
If your family goes to church on Christmas morning, be grateful. This may be your only chance to lock them out of the house.
Is my life this bad because I didn’t forward that email to 15 people back in 2007?
My million dollar invention is a microwave that stops beeping when you yell, “I hear you!” from across the house.
I never learned to swim because I didn’t think it would ever be more than an hour since I last ate
I want to be on maternity leave but without the baby.
FYI – so it IS illegal to put a skylight on the 5th floor of an 8th floor apartment building
My mum needs to stop using all the blenders for stew.. It’s pissing me off having spicy Oreo milkshake
Therapist: What’s the problem?
Wife: He makes friends with the strangest things
Me [petting a bee]: You’re not strange are you Alan
My girlfriend keeps asking me how I’m feeling once in a while like I’m fine are you slowly poisoning me?