What…what happens if the crabs learn how to read???
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Why did they call it painting your toenails and not graffeeti
They say a dog park is a great place to meet guys.
I don’t have a dog, but I walk around with a bag full of poop so I don’t look weird.
*Brings axe to slumber party*
“Oops. I thought you said ‘lumber party'”
*Knew the whole time*
*Waits until they’re asleep*
*Chops down tree*
I’m at the gym and I just saw someone put their water bottle in the Pringles holder on the treadmill.
i told a rich person that i think we should raise the minimum wage and they were like “raise the minimum wage? what’s next?? lower the maximum wage!?!” and it’s like actually, now that you mention it, that’s not a bad idea
Listens to you abuse me for my cargo shorts.
Reaches into pocket. Pulls out pack of peanut butter cheese crackers. Hands them to you.
I trust that will be the end of that.
If I ever correct your spelling you should just consider it a gift. Mostly a gift for me, but a little bit for you too
Imagine if songbirds sang real songs and you got to hear WHOOMP THERE IT IS every morning
Instead of Wordle, I call it Word Without Friends.
me: [comes running down the stairs with a baseball glove]
robber: why are u wearing a glove
me: I meant to grab my bat lol
robber: lol
Me: Can you hear me?
4: No.
Me: I need for you to pick up your legos, please.
4: But I can’t hear you.
Me: You can, you’re answering me.
4: (crying) No, I can’t!
Gaslighting is starting at a young age over here.
In spite of what you might have heard, some pretty magical things happen behind dirty dumpsters in shady alleys.
My dog is in a music video so needless to say he has accomplished more in life than I have.
I just can’t watch football, there’s too much “penetration in the backfield” for me to not giggle like an immature maniac.
[first day of creation]
GOD: *stuck in traffic* oh no I’m not gonna make the light
*takes construction hat to vet*
Please help. My turtle hasn’t moved in 8 years.
I saw a group of kids trying to put another kid into a dumpster. I had to step in, they couldn’t even lift him. We high-fived & laughed.
Son: what’s the term for animals that come out in the dark?
Me: party?
When I was a kid I would say I’m whatever age and a half because I wanted to be older.
Now I say I turned 40 a few years ago.
there are smart kids. Then there are my kids heating popsicles up in the microwave.
HUNDRED DOLLAR IDEA:
Go to an ATM.
Withdraw $100.
My daughter is at school and she just sent me this photo entirely without context so I have to assume she turned her teachers into cats
The 1st rule of idiom club is loose lips sink ships. The 2nd rule is don’t let the cat out of the bag. Last but not least, the 3rd rule.
I need a new salt grinder but I need one full of just Xanax because salt is bad for you.
Don’t judge me for my 2-year-old having a pacifier in her mouth.
Judge me for not having any idea where this pacifier came from.
Those plastic bags in the produce department that are so hard to get open are designed to keep your ego in check. Its intentional.
3 came up to me and asked for all the water in the house and then 4 came up to me and asked for all the paper towels in the house so I’m probably going to have to move.
Why do they call it alcoholics anonymous if you introduce yourself?
Them: “There’s certain things that should be left unsaid”
My brain: “VOLDEMORT”.