“What? Where?” -owl on some next level shit
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On Fridays, I always dress for what the weather is going to be at 3am when I drunkenly lock myself out of my apartment.
My friend says her Dr told her she’s underweight but I stopped listening because I cannot relate at all.
Son got a RC drone for Christmas. Used it twice and never touched it again. I’ve become a bit of an expert on it chasing the neighbour’s cat out the garden when he comes for a dump. I can get the drone on and out the window in thirty seconds and chase him across six gardens.
I listen to your prayers, but only to correct their grammar.
Damn girl are you a bag of sunflower seeds? Cause I wanna spend a bunch of money, work really hard and not be completely satisfied
Me: it’s not about how many times you fall, it’s about how many times you get back up
cop: that’s not how field sobriety tests work
*CVS lady hands me receipt
Me: we talk about these on twitter
CVS lady: why
Me: they’re long
CVS lady: is that what twitter’s for
Me: mostly
Heard someone on TV talking about a “decades old” song and my mind immediately went to the 1970s.
2001. The song they were talking about was from 2001.
“A room in motion will stay in motion until you sober up.”
~Newton’s little known fourth law of motion
It’s really telling how society and Hollywood has been producing all sorts of content about others, but almost none about me, personally 🤔
just watched a documentary about a guy who pushed himself 3,100 miles across the united states in a wheelchair because my remote is on the other end of the couch
A big difference between men and women I’ve found is that if a woman says ‘smell this’ it’s likely to smell nice.
If my wife comes to bed nude it’s ON, but when it’s me at the end of the bed naked she’s all “what are you doin, we’re at Mattress City.”
TONIGHT ON HOUSE HUNTERS
*extremely Australian accent*
This here house is one of the most deadly in the world. Imma poke it with a stick
try to describe the hole in the ozone layer without sounding absolutely insane
its a hole in the sky that changes not air to air because we used too much hairspray back in the 80s and now we get skin cancer
Wrote in my Gratitude Journal, like I do every day, that I’m particularly thankful for my Spite Journal, which now comprises several handsome volumes.
“You can check out any time you like, but you can never leave.”
“But after that I’m not responsible for any more room charges, correct?”
When you’re alone in your room, start doing karate so ghosts know what’s up.
My milk snake scares all the boys from the yard
My neighbor is handing out hot dogs, Kit Kats & Pez. When a group of kids arrives I’ll yell “They’re eating the dogs! They’re eating the Kats! They’re eating the Pez of the people who live there!”
Guys, don’t panic if you find a sticky note from your wife in the morning with only the word “garbage” on it. It’s probably just trash day.
Everyone becomes a robo-dancer with their hands when the motion sensor faucet isn’t working.
Go to the liquor store and rescue and few bottles of wine, they need a living home too.
My parents were always subverting gender norms. Mom grilled. Dad watched lifetime movies. Both wept when I left the lasagna out all night.
The doctor looked sad when he came into the exam room but he cheered up when he saw my “live fast, die young” tattoo so I’m excited to hear what he has to say
When I grow up, I want to be 16
If you love someone let them go, if they come back without donuts let them go again.
i wash my hair the same way i wash a cast iron skillet, with shampoo
Conservatives should be allowed to say whatever they want once they’re in the camps.