“What? Where?” -owl on some next level shit
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ME: my ideal first date? well to me it dosent matter wat we do as long as we share a conection
JOB INTERVIEWER: i meant how soon can u start
I’m on the fence about whether to continue spying on my next door neighbours.
Aladdin is my favourite movie about lying to a girl to make her fall in love with you
My apathy is at an all time whatever.
My office manager emailed all 400 employees to inform us that our new paper towel dispensers AREN’T automatic.
The human race is doomed.
My boss asked me why I’m late, apparently answering “because your wife wouldn’t let me get out of bed” just gets you sent to HR.
receptionists will look u straight in the eye and ask if ur available in 5 months and 18 days
Eye of the Tiger came on the radio and I got so excited the macaroni salad I was making is all over the walls and the cat has a black eye.
Saw an old girlfriend at the grocery store today so I put one of those big bags of almonds in my cart to make her think I was rich.
“When in doubt, drag it out”
– advice I give to people dealing with difficult decisions or dead bodies
“Shall we proofread this before posting?”
“Fuck it.”
oh u love jesus “with all of ur heart”? name 3 of his albums
Him: I like a girl who’s a good host
Me: *trying to impress him* I’ve had a tapeworm in my intestine for YEARS
Me: Being a stay-at-home parent is so filling!
Her: You mean fulfilling, right
Me: (stuffing my face with goldfish crackers) No.
“You know what pal, lay your own damn eggs” – jerk chicken
How did you spend your dinner break, Jamie? Just drawing a reverse centaur so everyone can see how horrible they are
When the chips are down, don’t worry. The dog will get em.
When I play rock paper scissors I always pick Rock because Dwayne Johnson shows up and punches my opponent.
I’ve lubed my DMs so that anyone who slides into them slides right out the other side.
Waiter: would you like a lobster bib
Me: [imagining how tiny and cute that would be] obviously
them: it’s carl with a K
me: oh ok hi cark
Y’all tweet like you don’t know it only takes 2 doctors to commit you.
*me, dead for several years, in my casket six feet in the earth. suddenly, my phone, which i insisted on being buried with me, lights up*
{linkedin notification} congratulate david crandall on working 4 years at the ground beef station at taco bell
The worst thing about marriage is how it makes you start snoring. I never snored when I was single…
CUSTOMER SERVICE NEEDED IN THE LIQUOR DEPARTMENT
My husband: please stop yelling that from the couch
Always
MAGICIAN: Is this your card?
ME: No
MAGICIAN: Is this your card?
ME: No
MAGICIAN: This one?
ME: No. When is our regular postman back from holiday?
Children of the Corn Man
At least the first 6 months of January is almost over.
*birds dress Cinderella for school*
*gets to school, goes into bathroom*
*buncha rabid squirrels gather and re-dress her in goth shit*