“What? Where?” -owl on some next level shit
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The collective noun for a group of narcissists should be an ‘egosystem’.
I’m allergic to bears. One bear bite and it’s straight to the ER for me.
I can only assume that when realtors list a “modest home,” that means it is a house that has never once worn leggings or yoga pants
My neighbor said “I think the earth might be flat, sorry if I’m not politically correct.” no you’re just regular incorrect
Don’t tell me you got problems. This is a serious problem 😠
How do you stop Canadian bacon from curling in a frying pan?
Take away its tiny brooms 🧹
*malia passes me a joint* thanks obama
Did you ever think about ten years ago you’d be saying.. “I really hope this is a chick I’m talking to”.
“It wasn’t such a GOOD FRIDAY for Jesus, if you think about it.” -Every youth pastor today.
Just once, I would love to look my kid in the eyes when he gives me a picture he spent a long time coloring, and have the nerve to say, “could you make me another one…that’s not what I wanted,” just so he can get a sense of what it feels like to make him dinner every night.
Oh my god gurrrll, he said WHAT? Told you men are trash now did I, alright gimme the tea!
Brilliant!
If HBO released all ten episodes of Game of Thrones at once, maybe I’d be able to remember the characters’ names from episode to episode.
My son is more polite to an Alexa speaker than his own family
Apparently, all it takes is knowing every dinosaur fact in the universe
animals really be single moms of 6-8 just holding it down daily like girl what
I was eliminated as a contestant on Fear Factor after running screaming from a bee.
One nice thing about your 30s is people talk less about figuring themselves out and more about where the best sandwiches are.
“a quiet place” sequel cALLED “A LOUD PLACE” WHERE EVERYONE HAS TO KEEP SHOUTING AND MAKING ALL SORTS OF RUCKUS TO AVOID CREATURES THAT HUNT SILENCE
Roses are red
Duracell is gold
Took your vibrator’s batteries
for my remote control
A butterfly just landed on the tip of my cigarette & exploded.
What in the hell do they put in butterflys?
I believe this to be the best photograph of a dog ever taken in human history.
We have 3 bathrooms at our new home, the master, the kid’s, and the spider bathroom, so we have 2 bathrooms.
[throws dirty diaper away]
– OMG WHAT R U DOING?!
– it’s gross im not touching that
– GET THE BABY OUT OF THE TRASH & CHANGE IT!
– ugh, fine
FRIEND: what was the best day of ur life
WIFE: our wedding day
ME (thinking of the time the Coke machine gave me 2 cans instead of 1): same
*accidentally points showerhead in wrong direction*
OH NO! MY SHOWER TRISCUITS!
[On a first date]
Her: So, what’s your favorite food?
Me: Bacon
Her: Okay. Who’s your favorite actor?
Me: Bacon
Her: I see. Do you have any hobbies?
Me: Bakin’
Her: (Deep Sigh) What do you do for work?
Me: I bring home the…
Her: WAITER CHECK PLEASE!!!
My 4yo has been asking for no syrup on her pancakes. I thought it was really weird because she loves syrup, but today I saw her put a warm pancake on her face which explains the no syrup, and also probably why her face is so soft.
Listen, I didn’t even want this piece of pre-workout pizza, but athletes have to make sacrifices.
Pirate Clark Kent: *takes off eye patch*
Pirate Lois Lane: OMG
if you’re feeling stressed out, just relax, take a deep breath, and exhale fire over all of your enemies. this is more for dragons btw