What will Tesla name their electric lawnmower?
E-Lawn
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You know you’re a mover & a shaker when HR rewrites the dress code for you.
Whatever Anita, those tear-away pants looked fabulous on me.
How can anyone look at a Roomba in action and think we’re anywhere close to self-driving cars?
Doctor: “You have an arrhythmia.”
Me: “Wow, most people tell me I can’t dance.”
Carefully choosing my grocery check out line based on the back of who’s head I want to beam hate into for the next 15 minutes.
Hilarious when peoples outgoing voicemail message says they “can’t make it to the phone right now.” You carry the phone with you. It’s the only constant in your life
Hey Ben Carson, at this point in your craziness? Just say you’re Iron Man. What could it hurt?
Your lips say no but your eyes, they say no too. And your body language, that definitely says no. What I’m saying is you’re very consistent.
I’m so tired, I’m thinking of visiting my grandma just so I can take a swig outta her oxygen tank.
Building contractors don’t want your help, Annie, even when you offer them your Altoids tin full of brads.
Which knight can find anything?
Sir Chengine.
Driving home with my kids & my son didn’t like the song I was listening to. He said, “Thank God we’re 10 seconds from home!” & then I took the long way home because that’s what parents do.
A little discriminatory towards Jesus.
I had to Stop for this
I regret teaching my boyfriend about make up. I made a snarky comment to him and he goes “first of all, blend your contour before you come for me like that”
Let me sing you the song of my people at 3-4 am.
-my cat.
One of the great things about being a dad is how easy it is to launder my own desire for ice cream through my children
“Are you already hot as shit? Then you’ll look hot as shit in our glasses” – Every glasses ad
inheritance is a dumb system people should have to give their estate to whoever defeats them in battle like the santa clause
A gentleman always straightens out the vending machine after shaking it.
I have CDO. It’s like OCD, but the letters are in alphabetical order. Like they should be.
Glad i moved to a hip neighborhood where everyone is hot and I look like a rat who figured out how to use H&M gift card.
My horny ass could NOT have a banana cleaner 😭
[My cooking show]
Me: Today we’ll be roasting a pig. Kevin, come on up.
Kevin: *crying*
I started a funeral business with self-driving hearses, but they keep crashing into other cars.
Business is booming.
I’ve become totally immune to clickbait and YOU WON’T BELIEVE HOW I DID IT.
*gets neck cracked by Chiropractor*
Hey I didn’t know our necks turned like an Owls
I was trying to help my 4yo with his socks and he told me “I got it old man” so yea you can fit a whole lot of audacity into a 4yo.
Batman Begins Scrapbooking #AddaWordRuinaMovie
I love birthdays! My boyfriend rented a special hotel room for us to fight in.
Thank you for fixing my bends, but why on Earth did you crack my rims?!
