What will Tesla name their electric lawnmower?
E-Lawn
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Facebook and Instagram are down so now I have to creep on my ex in person.
Eleven out of ten people are stupid.
mental health is a lot like normal health in video games, where if your meter goes down you can just eat a can of baked beans to get it back up. you can get more mental health with the beans
If someone ever intimidates you, remember that they’re 70% water. Are you scared of water? Well you should be. 400,000 people drown per year
I always feel slightly ripped off when my toddler poops after I pick her up from daycare.
“Babe I’m ready for bed”
“Why so early its the weekend?”
[background]
“Next up Channel 6 News reveals Ashley Madison’s local business men”
FRIEND: hey while I’m on vacation can you come over and feed the cat?
ME:
FRIEND:
ME: to what?
Dear guy sitting next to me at the bar wearing camouflage: I can still see you.
Date: any pets?
Me: a pet rock
D: lol at least u don’t have to housetrain it
Me: *flashback to piles of pebbles all over my house* haha yeah
*signing sign in sheet*
(to myself): This will be worth a lot once I’m famous.
Hospital Nurse: Alright let’s get that pea out of your ear.
I genuinely don’t remember making you all this stupid.
This is a bad sign
“Whoa there my friend, you need to leave me out of this, this ain’t got nothing to do with me.”
–The horse they rode in on
my cat is wearing a cone & has learned to scoop up his food and let it slide into his mouth and it’s giving me serious ideas, folks
*reads your mind*
*decides to wait for the movie*
What is the appropriate age to tell your child that you’ve given up on them?
Check in desk: We’ve oversold the flight so I’m going to put you in business class.
Me: Great.
*later*
Professor: The first rule of business is- you’re late. Please sit down.
Me: I think there has been a mistake.
Professor: I said sit down.
I looked into it and it would only cost $20 or $30 to rent a stall at a farmers market and put out a bunch of empty crates and if someone makes eye contact you smile sheepishly and say “Forgot to farm”
[first day as a masseuse]
Me: [closing book] “…& they all lived happily ever after”
Customer: “That’s not what I meant by ‘happy ending'”
Me at dinner on a first date: I’m not answering any more questions without a lawyer.
My son doesn’t always throw up, but when he does, he’s already in bed.
I mean, really though, who hasn’t seen a UFO at this point?
[on phone]
Of course I trust you, babe. Always.
*searches Amazon for mini spycams with 1-day shipping*
I have a “baby on board” sticker on my car. No baby right now, I just want people to know I’m a sore loser
Life with teenagers is basically them sniffing out snacks from a mile away yet missing the odour lingering in their bedroom
everyone make a new friend so you don’t get assigned to David
This made me smile to an unreasonable degree 😂
What
As I basted the turkey, I swear I heard it say “just not in my hair”