Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Just wrote “except for you, spiders >:(” on my Welcome mat so that should be the end of that

“No. Delete it.” -Mona Lisa

i thought i was gonna watch the craziest cooking show in history

ok like just. call me at this point

When someone asks why you don’t have kids just say “dingoes”

So many songs that tell you to throw your hands in the air like you just don’t care, so few about the hazards of ceiling fans.

I can’t stand lactose intolerant people who work at ice cream parlors. They can dish it out but they can’t take it.

Wife: Did you give the kids a bath?

Me: I got the dirt off.

Wife: What does that mean?

Me: *hides the leaf blower*

“I knew he was the murderer when I saw him on the dance floor,” Holmes said. “You see, Watson, guilty feet have got no rhythm.”

A friend sent me this and now I can’t think of anything else

Wrap toilet paper around you like a wedding dress and slowly get naked as you tear pieces off to blow your nose all day.

*sees lost cat*
Hey buddy you lost
*reads tag*
there’s a phone number
*dials number*
*little cell phone in cats pocket starts ringing*

Coming soon from the makers of Hamilton:

LINCOLN

Featuring the smash rap hit about the Civil War:
“This could be US, but you slavin’.”

the metric system will never catch on here because too many Americans are into feet

Some killjoy: ‘Stop playing with your food!’

*Me and my ham sandwich get down from the seesaw*

This could be us but you eatin’

Me: whaddu mean “no”

Donut shop employee: we cannot pump the custard directly into your mouth to “save hella time”

I just want to be rich enough where I snap my fingers and 7 people fight over who gets to make me my next grilled cheese.

Hubs: Columbus discovered America not asking for directions so why do I.
Me: He set out for India and went the wrong way.
Hubs: Oh.
Me: Yep.

“Can I copy your homework?”

“Sure, just change a few things so it’s not that obvious.”

“Ok.”

once i get some clearasil, it’s over for you blotches

some women wear fake wedding rings in public so they don’t get hit on but I swear by my floor-length victorian widow’s veil

I’m jealous of people who have more than one ab.

Never knew kids were magicians until they started magically appearing at the sound of wrappers opening

I could never give up my dog, he knows too much

haha same

This is now a ‘I have washed my hands’ emoji 🙌

My daughter is texting her cousin and just asked me to spell “hallucinations” should I be worried? It’s probably fine

Your tweets are so boring the NSA just unfollowed you.

I’ve never wanted to know the answer to anything bad enough to ask a question at the end of a meeting that’s running 30 minutes over time.