Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Me: I want to come back as ghost and haunt you.

Her: Oh no.

Me: I’ll make weird noises in the night.

Her: You already do that.

I hope this is the year Santa brings me a DNA testing kit so I can finally figure out which kid has been leaving all the glasses in the sink after I’ve cleaned the kitchen

My dog is expecting a treat for bravely protecting us from the oven timer.

A geneticist’s refrigerator has a CRISPR drawer

You look so comfortable in your own skin. Could I try it on?

Eating fried cheese is the closest i’ve gotten to doing heroin.

[lunch date]

“I’ll have a salad.”

Narrator: Ursula then returns home and eats Fritos, Cool Whip and what appears to be leftover meatloaf.

I asked my brothers why they’re getting two separate ps5s when they live in the same house and can share, and they told me to go share my phone with my mum😑

“What fruit or vegetable extract have we not said was good for your hair yet?”

~Shampoo developers probably

I hate when you forget to wear a belt and have to shoot heroin using the blood pressure machine at walgreens.

playing pool? you mean swimming?

7: can we have an awake-over tonight?

me: an awake-over?

7: it’s like a sleepover but without the sleep

When I was a kid I slept with a nightlight…

to keep away monsters who were scared of small, low wattage light bulbs.

secret recipe

Great! I just wet my pants. Now people are gonna think I spilled my drink on myself.

Calm on the outside. Screaming goat on the inside.

Why do people named Deborah go by “Deb” and never “bruh”

People often name their kids after their favourite movie characters. I don’t know why my daughter Chewbacca is so upset with me.

Years ago my wife and I were on an early date in a Chinese restaurant when a guy came over and said to me: “Can you shut up? You’ve got a very loud voice”. I said: “My girlfriend has very poor hearing. Isn’t that right?” And to her enormous credit she replied: “WHAT?”

[playing guitar in hotel lounge]

Me: *puts out cigarette* Any more requests out there tonight?

Front desk: Yes. Would you please get out of the lobby?

ME: You coming to the party?
FRIEND: Will it be rad?-
M: -ish.
F: I guess I’ll come.
[Later at the radish party]
F: I think I misunderstood

“I’m ONE PERSON trying to hold this whole house together!” my husband hollers in frustration as the kids flee back to the tv, abandoning him with the collapsing gingerbread house.

Even though Janice had always wanted an extravagant wedding, she couldn’t help but feel putting toilet paper on the bridal registry was a bit over the top.

ME: i’m writing a book about lame cars

HER: what’s it called

ME: sorry, no spoilers

I’ll marry your mom just so I can ground you

My friends describe me as “I’m sorry, he’s not usually like this.”

the first guy to ride a horse was all like GIDDYUP HORSEY and the horse was all like DAMMIT WHO TOLD HIM THAT MAKES US GO

Coworker: Do u have a phone charger?
Me: No.
CW: How about the 1 on your desk?
Me: WHO ARE U CALLING A JIGGABOO LINDA?!
CW: OMG! *runs away*

Listen buddy, I never said they were for sale. I just put the “FRESH EGGS” sign in my yard to brag

Apparently “make it to retirement” is not an appropriate answer for what your work goals are