Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

[having sex]
ME: sex sounds
PARTNER: are you saying “sex sounds”

QUIZ SHOW HOST: So, Trevor, what would you do if you won the £100,000 jackpot?
CONTESTANT: Well, my brother lives in Australia, I haven’t seen him for 15 years after we drifted apart, so I think I’d send him a picture of me with the money.

Keep your friends close and your enemies wrapped in plastic ready for that long drive to the desert.

I bet the other causes of death are jealous of the number one cause

On my way home, a huge flock of geese was walking slowly across the road. The car behind me started honking, like it was my fault.

Oh, do you think I planned this? Am I the Goose King? Did I send out my army to battle enemy ducks? How did you know that? Are you a duck spy??

the problem with the classic robber getup is that it’s such a classic that you can’t really get away with it anymore. you walk into a bank dressed in the mask and stripes with a bag with a dollar sign on it, they already got you. things change i guess but it seems a shame

Please go back into your caves. I was wrong about it being safe to come out.

The hubs accidentally shrunk a shirt of mine…guess I have no choice but to accidentally shrink a paycheck of his😎

Airlines when they need to change your flight: here’s a complimentary napkin

Airlines when you need to change your flight: that’ll be $8700.

Me before watching a serial killer documentary: I bet this killer was so successful because of their intelligence and cunning, and not just because of the gross incompetence of local law enforcement.

Me after watching a serial killer documentary: Well, shit.

” Wife: there is a man at the door with a mustache.

Husband: tell him i’ve already got one. “

I can’t believe I have appendicitis in the middle of a global pandemic. this is legit funny like can my body read the room one time???

When I’m elected Pope, pants will be optional.

(at least for me)

(and that won’t really be a change from what I do now)

5: I love this pizza. can you marry food?

I just killed a huge spider running across the floor with my shoe.

I don’t care how big the spider is, no one steals my shoe.

Maybe just don’t throw stones in any kind of house.

What idiot called it Black Friday and not Welcome to the Jingle

*Drunk dials Mr. Clean

My house is soooooo dirty right now.

My 4-year-old daughter wants anything she sees in a commercial.

Today I had to explain to her why I can’t get her Viagra.

In today’s installment of “getting absolutely wrecked by my child” I present her commentary on dinner:

“You did the best you could.”

*looks over back shoulder*
*puts car in reverse*

Wife: OH MY GOD

*slams brakes*

Me: WHAT?
Wife: Becky just posted the cutest picture

Have a teen so when she’s five minutes late for Cross Country practice, it’s your fault for driving the “long way.” Nevermind practice started at 6:00, and she got into the car at 6:01. Those details are irrelevant.

Someone in one of the screen rooms at my theatre was eating pepperoni and I can’t tell if I’m repulsed by the smell or impressed by the audacity.

*I will not look in the magnifying mirror*
*I will not look in the magnifying mirror*
*I will not look in the magnifying mirror*

[cries for 20 minutes]

My mom is going through home reorganizing and to avoid confrontational conflict, my dad is leavings notes voicing his opinion

If anyone tells me doing something is a piece of cake, I presume it will gradually kill me by making me fat.

I’ll take the seat next to the guy who swallowed the wifi.

I bet the worst part about kidnapping someone is knowing they are just sitting there in your trunk, judging your choice in music.

2 things lotion won’t let you do when it’s on your hands because it’s evil:

1) escape the bathroom

2) open a beer