What wine goes well with two ungrateful teenagers, an oppressive boss and insurmountable credit card debt?
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Sorry I can’t make it, I asked my toddler if he wanted help putting on his shoes he answered “yes I don’t”
thoughts and prayers for my teen who just said she’s sick of asking me to do something
May rob a bank just to get a few short, sweet years away from the kids.
Mr & Mrs Smith is my favorite movie about how trying to kill your spouse & demolishing your house can bring the magic back to your marriage
I was once a bookseller. A woman came in asking for Tea at the Savoy by Oscar Wilde. I couldn’t find it listed. She insisted.
I kept not finding it. She got angrier.
I asked again, “Are you sure it’s by Wilde?”
Irate, she said, “YES. He was on the Today Show this morning.”
😑
I dropped off some paperwork at coworker’s house last night. I guess he hadn’t mentioned I was coming & one of his kids asked me who I was. They were eating dinner so I said, “I’m the food police. I’m making sure everyone is eating their vegetables.” That broccoli was gone, man.
My cat didn’t get me a Father’s Day card and things are a little tense around here right now.
[my kids walk in on me being murdered]
ME: call 911
KIDS: ok but then will you get us a snack?
i hate people that say “it’s too early to be eating that” WHAT TIME DO A STOMACH OPEN?
Interviewer: What’s your biggest weakness?
Me: I don’t know when to quit.
Interviewer: You’re hired!
Me: I quit.
me to the government: no broo I swear I don’t make that much money i promise you bro 😭 😬
me to my landlord: I make so much money big dog you know I’m good for it just let me live here bro you don’t have to worry about me fr I promise 😤🤝
[me as a DJ]
Where my single ladies at?
*drunk responses*
This one’s for you
*turns off music, serious tone*
This is a bad place to meet men
Can scientists please stop calculating pi to a million decimal places and instead get working on an instant hangover cure.
Them: You’re a dumpster fire.
Me: Awww, you think I’m hot?
Remember kids, every weekend can be a three day weekend if you’re still too drunk from Thursday! 🍻
stop it stop it don’t cook him stop
I’m asking my mom for a small loan by pretending to be a Nigerian prince.
Fox: Winter is here. We need a plan to survive.
Bear: I have a great idea! We just sleep until spring.
Goose: Wanna hear migrate idea?
PSYCHIC: I can see your future
ME: Are you really a medium?
PSYCHIC: *shows me the size on her shirt tag*
ME: Medium. Son of a gun…
Let’s get married and have kids so instead of using our years of education to change the world we can be butlers to tiny people who won’t stop screaming at us.
He a real one for that
How deep is your love?
Please show all work.
“can you send us a writing sample?” no but i can send you multiple screenshots of me killing it in the group chat
Raise your hand if this is your first time under a helicopter. Ah, sorry to make an example of you Johnson, but that’s why we never do that.
*wakes up in the belly of a whale*
me: this can’t be happening again
morgan freeman: but it was, he was in the belly of a whale again
so no-one told you life was gonna be this way *gunshot* *gunshot* *gunshot* *gunshot*
When someone cries, “No one gets me”
I immediately snatch them and put them in my trunk and yell, “I got you”!
4yo: mommy, can you make me popcorn when you are done sitting?
Me: {gets into a more comfortable position} sureee!
Remember when all we had to worry about was a little poop on our lettuce?
[watching scary part of movie]
10YR OLD: don’t worry, Dad… I’ll just delete my brain file that’s recording this part before I go to bed
ME: [trying not to appear visibly freaked out] cool