What wine goes well with two ungrateful teenagers, an oppressive boss and insurmountable credit card debt?
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My wife’s left me for being too clingy & needy.😢
No wait, she’s back. She hadn’t left me, she was just making a cup of tea.God I missed her.
It’s amazing how little sleep you can survive on, just by eating right, cutting out alcohol & sharing a bedroom with a vengeful poltergeist.
As a belated Valentine’s Day gift, I am leaving the country for a week.
My husband: how is that a gift if I have to take care of the kids alone?
Me: sorry I was talking to myself
The proper way to handle accidentally walking in on your coworker in the bathroom is to wait till they’re out and then let them see you using the eye wash station
My youngest just learned that he and his older brother have the same last name. He said, “You mean you never told me this?!” 😆
“You’re prettier than I remember, you were SO FAT the last time I saw you!”
TY Uncle Bob, I was 8months pregnant. *spits in his pumpkin pie
My 4-year-old usually wears his hair in a ponytail, but he wants it cut this weekend. This change will make me a little sad, but I also hope it hides his 1980s movie villain personality.
Me: I really need to save money
Also me:
If you want me to die in a horrible accident tell me there’s an ice cream bar at the top of a spiral staircase.
Why is a good book described as a real page turner?
That’s my minimum requirement in a book
Pages that turn
Mrs. Cinnamon Toast Crunch is about to eat her family and honestly I get it
Me: get behind me Satan!
Satan: not tonight, I’ve got a headache
not to be a complainer but if dogs can have treats to clean their teeth why can’t we
[orders 2,000 Big Macs thinking I’ll only have to tell my mom ‘I love her’ for them]
Cashier: that’ll be $5,364.32
Me: shit
me: so… you want to come back to my place? *bites bottom lip*
her: don’t bite my lip
I would’ve been here sooner, but I was holding the door for a Canadian that insisted I go first.
SANTA IS WATCHING! Me, a Jewish mother, to her children in September.
“Should I do it?”
My dog in the passenger seat looks at me, unsure. She just doesn’t get it, she never will. I merge into the carpool lane
Trump’s gonna be sooo mad when he finds out that China realized building a Great Wall didn’t keep foreigners out 400 years before he did.
ME: I wonder if it wrestles cutely too?
ZOOKEEPER: Sir, get out of the panda enclosure.
ME: lol. No. *gets mauled to death by panda*
[pulling the casket a few inches away from the wall during a funeral]
sorry just need to plug in my phone for a minute
According to the CDC, the leading cause of death in 2016 was having a career in the 80’s that brought you any level of fame
I wonder if Scarlett Johansson ever fantasizes about fat comic book nerds, or is that just a one-way street?
feeling sad today. can everyone please send cute pictures of their credit card, front and back?
My first thought when meeting new people is often how tiny they are and how security in this maternity ward sucks.
*my daughter sees multiple baskets of laundry by the washer, sighs and sets her basket down in front*
Me: All laundry will be washed in the order it is received. Thank you for holding.
*being dragged from the car wash*
But I only shaved one leg!
Him: Wanna see my prison tats?
Her: Ooh ok I like bad boys
Him: This one *lifts shirt* is of Alcatraz. It was built in 1934 and closed in
I love meeting new people. Not you. Don’t touch me.