What wine goes well with two ungrateful teenagers, an oppressive boss and insurmountable credit card debt?
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A girl phoned me the other day and said…”Come on over, there’s nobody home.” I went over. Nobody was home.
I want to go back in time and find pre-kid me who thinks she is “so busy” and “so tired.” And I want to smack her.
if how you live this life is reflected by what you become in the next, i kinda wonder what grandpa did to come back as a pot pie?
If Edgar Allen Poe didn’t have a cat named Poepurry, then I question him as a writer.
A boomerang is just a frisbee for loners.
Old friend: I barely recognize you.
“That’s the look I was going for. “
My life advice is always the same. Wait for karma, but take up kickboxing, just in case.
At least my meth head neighbor mows his lawn. It’s at 4 am and he’s naked, but still
Jack: I want to be nimble
Genie: ok
Jack: and also quick
Genie: ok those are the same thin-
Jack: last but not least I want to jump as high as a candle
Just turned a corner and bumped into a woman with drawn-on eyebrows.
I’m not sure which of us was more surprised.
My mom sometimes texts me pictures of Buddha or a nature scene with an inspirational message like,
“Be kind to others, Evil Lisa.”
Mary: I’m pregnant
Joseph: but how you’re a virgin
Mary: oh god
Joseph: okay makes sense
My friend thinks her husband is cheating on her. I don’t have the heart to tell her he’s just out chasing Pokemon.
-You were standing in the lobby of The Astor Hotel wearing a blue sweater. It was April 9th. Your first words were, “It’s you.” You had a stain on your left pocket.
-Amanda, where did you park your car just now?
-No clue.
professor x: what’s your power?
me: i’m super chill
professor x: we already have iceman how would that help?
me: yeah man
professor x: what?
me: [nodding] yeah
… Eau DeTroit …
#RejectedPerfumeNames
.. do you even science?
“There’s a creepy bleeding witch who doesn’t look friendly. She has cheese though.”
– my husband, deciding whether to interact with a character in a video game
[parking lot]
ME: *hits car backing up*
Guy: *yells out window* HAVE YOU ALWAYS BEEN THIS BIG OF AN IDIOT?!
Me: *yells back* NO! I USED TO WEIGH MUCH LESS!
Cop: Why did you burn that building down?
Me: Because they keep sending emails after unsubscribing.
Cop: You’re free to go.
[hunting]
“In order to attract the stag, I perform the special call”
[clears throat, cups hands round mouth]
“COME OVER HERE, ANTLER JERK”
[coming out of my bunker after the apocalypse happened]
friend: holly shit. everything is gone
me: i’m gonna try out for the nba
friend: what
me: i think i can make it now. do u think they’re still doin it
Indiana Jones And The Two Dudes Who Lost Their Cars.
robbed a bank just to hear someone call me a person of interest
WE ARE CURRENTLY EXPERIENCING HIGH CALL VOLUMES. WE RECOMMEND HOLDING THE PHONE AWAY FROM YOUR EAR.
“tHaNkS fOr YoUr pAyMeNt!”
Shut up. I paid that bill against my will.
I haven’t won anything since I did my kid’s fifth grade science fair project.
Who are we?
CLIENTS!What do we want?
WE DON’T KNOW!When do we want it?
RIGHT NOW!
Me: if you’re a cop you have to tell me
Judge: way past that
life hack: put on an apron at home and people think you’re super busy doing important stuff even when you’re not