What wine pairs best with concession stand popcorn? Asking for the thermos I’m taking to this high school football game.
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two people had sex in the 80s and now I gotta pay bills, hydrate, and hate myself???
My mom called me and told me how much she likes watching Snoop Dogg at the Olympics and I had to remind her that she grounded me for buying his CD once
waiter: would you like anything else ma’am?
me: yes please, a box for the leftovers that I will most definitely leave here on the table.
Genie: i will give you 3 wishes
Me: okay i’ll take 3 dolphins
Genie: i said wishes, not fishes
Me: dolphins are mammals idiot
A 2yo thought he was sabotaging my pb&j by inserting pretzels in the middle but HA! It’s actually quite tasty.
what the hell girl, sure
[Cop flashes headlights behind me]
WIFE: I think he wants you to stop
ME: No I think he wants a street race
[A few minutes later]
ME: *taking a corner at 90mph* Guess I was right again, huh Linda
94% of tea drinking is just waiting for it to cool down
Me: *pointing gun* put all the money in the bag
Him: sir this is a food bank
Me: put all the broccoli in the bag
There’s no ‘i’ in gaslight.
PHYSICAL THERAPIST: I want you to work out with a resistance band
ME: Ok
[later at gym]
ME: *works out to Rage Against the Machine*
[Abruptly stops playing my banjo] Oh the intervention is for ME??
Let’s normalize using the term “Cooking Wine” to refer to the wine we drink while cooking.
He leans in, looks into my eyes, and lowers the lights. I go in for the kiss.
And now I’m being escorted out of the opticians.
When cows do it, it’s Reverse Girlcow
Your lips say no but your eyes, they say no too. And your body language, that definitely says no. What I’m saying is you’re very consistent.
Due to inflation, a picture is now worth 2370 words.
The one closest to the sky is most likely to get eaten by the pterodactyl.
Announcer: “Welcome to the Super Bowl 50 Halftime Show. Are you ready to rock?!”
[crowd goes nuts]
A: “Well too bad, here’s Coldplay”
If you have more than one louse you have lice, just like if you have more than one mouse you have mice… So if you have more than one spouse I guess you’ve got spice.
Interviewer: [extends arm] hello
Me: [extends arm but hand is stuck in a Pringles can] hello
Let’s join our hands together and pray for my husband who very tragically compared me to my mother.
Me: “It’s important to stay hydrated”
Coastguard: “Not this important: now grab the rope”
*pronounces carrot like tarot*
Gonna turn my life around!
[10 min later]
Oh well, I tried.
My boys are all taking a week break from electronics. This morning I introduced myself to them and showed them around our home. then I took them outside and showed them the big bright light in the sky.
I’m not like other girls, I know when I’m being irrational. I don’t let it stop me, but still
*turns on alarm*
Alarm: I have a headache
You wanna know how to be a great aunt? Give nice or nephew a set of bagpipes for their Birthday. Their mother will love you for that.
-Me giving family advice
No babe, they’re not short jorts, they’re junderwear.