What wine pairs best with concession stand popcorn? Asking for the thermos I’m taking to this high school football game.
You Might Also Like
It’s impossible for TWO dudes to ride ONE motorcycle without it looking romantic…
“racially charged” makes it sound like y’all out here buying triple K batteries
How’s school, Hannah?
“Really tough, dad.”
They’re calling you Hannah Banana, aren’t they?
“No-”
WHY THE HELL NOT
Archeologist 1: Remember the whole Mayan calendar scare in 2012?
A2: I do.
A1: I found an addendum on back of the calendar.
A2: I can’t read it. What does it say?
A1: It says, “sry, chisel-o. Apocalypse in 2021. My bad.”
They only arrested Justin Bieber cause he’s black.
grocery shopping hungry is way more interesting than full, hungry me is down to eat anything and everything
My 5-year-old just asked if we could have Hotdog Bell for dinner.
There is no Hotdog Bell here.
I’m not sure if there’s a Hotdog Bell at all.
Played twister with my kids and now hold the world record for saying, “That’s not your left foot” a billion times.
Oh sorry I can’t right now. I’m imagining some things and worrying about them
Fun Fact
The Hubble Space Telescope was built to do several things, one of which is to search for intelligent life, it is pointed away from Earth!
“I don’t know why you don’t just leave him, Elaine.”
Wife: Can you put the gps on mute, turn off the air conditioner and the music
Also my wife: why are you grumpy on this long drive
Just ran into my therapist and she didn’t recognize me and I’m not sure who I’m supposed to talk to about this
It’s not sexual harassment unless I don’t get the raise I was promised.
*decides towels smell like mildew
*buys special laundry agent to remove odors
*washes load of towels
*forgets load in washer until morning
*repeat
WIFE: It’s either me or th-
ME: He has name
WIFE: OR the goose.
ME: Say it.
WIFE:…
ME: Say his name.
WIFE:…
ME: Why won’t you love Tom Honks
*sees a babe about to walk through a puddle*
“No no, allow me”
*gets on hands and knees and drinks the entire puddle so the babe stays dry*
succession but with mickey mouse and friends
I save my pooping for when I’m at work so I can say “I can’t believe I get paid for this shit!”
Instead of throwing away broken phone charger cords, 5 years ago I started saving them for an experiment. I’m 3 cords away from a complete world wrap around.
Grandma: do you have to take a little poopy hon?
3yo: no grandma I have to take a big shit.
It’s like my dad always said, “Distract the security guard.”
My biggest fears are:
-running out of chocolate
-running out of coffee
-running out of toilet paper
-running
[driving to occult ceremony]
“I’m just gonna have one sacred elixir”
[2 hours later]
[floating in midair chugging straight from the ram’s skull] BEQUEATH ME ANOTHER
Pretty disgusting that Air Bud can dominate any human sport, but I join one greyhound race and get put down
Pro tip: when a cop asks you to step out of the car, don’t reply with “I’m too drunk, you get in.”
Fire inspector, “Do you have any enemies?”
Me, “lol do you have a pen?”
apple needs to start giving headphones for free again because if i have to hear that “oh no no no” tiktok audio out loud on the train again im gonna start tying people to the train tracks
Dear Diary—
Today’s the day! I’m going to go up to that cute barista and say: “ALEX! MY NAME IS ALEX! WHERE DO YOU COME UP WITH ‘ARVIN’?! IS THAT EVEN A REAL NAME?!”
My GF just passed the Bar. Not only will I be a stay at home Dad Im suing everyone.