What wine pairs best with finding out my in-laws are staying a day longer than I thought
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This is the scale that I will be using for everything from now on.
I howl at the moon for fun and absolutely shit myself as the moon howls back, inciting several other moons in the solar system to also howl at me
My cover letter is just a picture of me in a sleeveless turtleneck karate chopping the word ‘unemployment’.
me: [tries to spend time with kids. They don’t want to]
[Bed time]
Kids: I wanna do something with you! You don’t spend time with us!!
I just saw a squirrel dragging a wine bottle bag up a tree.
I think I found my spirit animal.
From a friend in the Nat鈥檒 lPark Service. They鈥檝e thought this through.
My job demands an awful lot of responsibility for someone who still hopes he wakes up with superpowers one day.
“Hi, I’d like a Junior McChicken and a cheeseburger please.”
“$3.23.”
“Oh, and a bottle of water.”
“$87.54. Please drive thru.”
Omg, you guys, the Jehovah’s Witnesses just showed up at my door, and I guess I’ve been living alone for too long because I talked so much they finally had to excuse themselves.
My sister: You’re either going to die because you sassed the wrong person or petted a dog you shouldn’t have.
Me: Either way, I’m getting bitten in the face.
noah’s wife: so, how’s your little project going?
noah: little project? {he sighs, grabs his plate & gets up from the table} i’m going to eat dinner in my room
To kill a French vampire you need to drive a baguette through its heart. Sounds easy but the process is painstaking.
When I miss my parents I put 12 expired salad dressings in my fridge and it feels like home
I haven鈥檛 filled up the salt and pepper shakers on the table for a year and I still don鈥檛 think my family has noticed nothing is coming out of them.
if coconuts give us coconut milk AND coconut water then why do we only have cow milk. where is the cow water
Tired of actually helping? Try prayer
[pulls into taco bell drive thru]
Hi, I’d like enough tacos to forget 2016
Went to a Halloween party at the zoo, the animals were dressed as sexy people.
馃幎 I don’t think you’re ready for this jelly
“Boo!” — cow with a cold
It鈥檚 like the world is being written by a third grader now.
鈥淭hen the virus came, and then there was no toilet paper, and then schools closed, and then there was a tsunami!!!”
Me: It鈥檚 cold out there today!
12: How cold?
Me: ICE COLD!
Alright, alright, alright, alright, alright
Alright, alright, alright, alright, alright
Alright, alright, alright, alright12: *sighs*
Jeans: jeans
Jorts: jean shorts
Jancakes: (you guessed it) jean pancakes
[God creating Neil deGrasse Tyson]
Neil deGrasse Tyson: actually that’s not how it happened
My editor dislikes my use of contractions but it’s what it’s
Just saw a fully functional phone booth with an intact yellow pages; so, yeah, I know a thing or two about time travel.
At Dairy Queen:
Me: Medium Heath Blizzard please.
DQ: You wanna spoon?
Me: Sure, when do you get off?
[interview]
Where do you see yourself in the next 5 years?
Me: “OMG I’M NOT A PSYCHIC THE SIGN SAID NO SKILLS REQUIRED!”
Day 20. Still lost at sea. Crew thinks I know how to plot a course with a protractor. I just like making it walk on the map. Pointy Leg Man.
I’m not crazy, I’m just mentally spicy.