Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Going to church you guys need anything

and now we wait

I just saw three bowls of dessert.

I think they were thrice pudding.
#RateMyPun
#LunchPun

Never be a pizza!

Instead of chasing after Taylor Swift, I’m just going to wait until she breaks up with everyone else so I’m all that’s left.

Last night, I was running from Justin Bieber-head polygamist in Utah-who demanded that I become his 4th wife.

I’m not taking any Benadryl tonight

women wearing veils at their wedding arent fooling anybody. you invited us to this shit we know its you under there. cut the crap lady

If Google can’t find the answer, it’s not a question.

Oh no 😂😂💔😭

A fun thing about having a sandbox outside your house is that you have one inside too.

Nothing like quiet, peaceful coffee on the patio

Till the neighbors start to mow

I used my husband’s shoes to check the mail and was immediately compelled to ask the neighbor kids why they trust the trees since they’re so shady

Remember, fellow outdoorsy types: an odd number of rattles means the snake is delighted to see you; an even number says you should probably stay away.

In 1752, Benjamin Franklin invented electricity because it was no longer considered humane to execute people using an acoustic chair.

Frogs always look like they just found out there’s no free Wi-Fi.

BOSS: *rubbing bridge of her nose* Why were you late again?

ME: Well it’s High Five Wednesday, and I passed an aquarium full of Octopuses

Cop: Is that a turtle?
Me: …
Cop: Painted blue?
Me: …
Cop: With nails glued on?
Me: …
Cop: Mario Kart’s not real
Me: YOURE NOT REAL

If I’m grilling and I can see you grilling, we will engage in a ceremonial tong click and bow.

[my first day as a psychologist]

patient: i’ve been hearing voices

me: okay so your ears work, now what’s wrong with that brainayours

Everyone on FB is posting the status- I voted. I guess it’s truthful Tuesday so I posted- I once killed a hobo & hid his body in a barrel.

The amount of time you spend cleaning your house before a friend comes over is inversely proportional to the quality of that friendship.

Who called it the milk crate challenge and not broke back mountain

So UBER is not a dating app?

*sigh*

I kinda thought all those ‘Goodbye’ kisses seemed more awkward than usual.

CINDERELLA: were you always my fairy godmother

FAIRY GODMOTHER: yes, always

CINDERELLA: so you watched my stepmother horribly mistreat me for years and did nothing

FAIRY GODMOTHER:

CINDERELLA:

FAIRY GODMOTHER:

CINDERELLA:

FAIRY GODMOTHER: look what i can do to this pumpkin

i just got an email from our hr department informing us that, “regrettably”, our office has become “inundated” with raccoons and as of this morning, after an incident where one raccoon fell thru the ceiling, they’ve decided to let us work from home

We need to stop telling AI that its paintings are bad. That’s how Hitler got started.

Be extra nice to retail workers this week. It’s not their fault you waited until the last minute to shop for a holiday that has fallen on the same day every year since you were born

*First Passover*

The Lord: And you shall consume the meat of the lamb this same night, eating it roasted with unleavened bread and bitter herbs
Me: Like a gyro?
The Lord: Not exactly…
Me: HEY EVERYBODY GOD SAYS WE’RE HAVIN GYROS

I read all men’s tweets in the voice of Homer Simpson. Especially the sex tweets.