Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Psst, hey wake-up, why are there no Oreos in your pantry?

I like listening to Phil Collins in the shower. He gets creeped out when he sees me, though.

Let your kids play tetris all day so they develop the required skills to park at Trader Joe’s.

There should be an “oh my god, shut up already” button.

[on a farm]

Me: *sees a cow standing next to a bucket*
Oh, I’ve always wanted to do that

Farmer: Go ahead!

Me: *stands next to a bucket*

Me: So my car made a noise and..

Mechanic: That’s gonna be expensive.. I can tell already.

My husband said he wants a blowie for his birthday. I don’t know what he’ll do with this snow blower in summertime…luckily it was on sale.

2017 Resolution: spend more quality time with my son

*son begins describing his 500 new Pokémon cards*

Well, there’s always next year

My neighbor’s 13-month old only has four teeth. She’s way too young to being doing that much meth.

how is everyone so excited about a scary month after *checks notes* like 250 of them in a row

When asked if I was good with my hands I said “sure, I guess, but sometimes i’m naughty with them too”

kidnapper: [on the phone] pay the ransom to get your son back

dad: oh god let me talk to him

kidnapper: very well

dad: son listen money doesn’t grow on trees

I get it, Kevin McCallister. I, too, sometimes wish my family would disappear and leave me home alone with my own cheese pizza.

in high school, my mom once asked where i was going from a few rooms over while i was heading out the door.

i yelled “to do drugs!” and she yelled back “haha good one have fun!”

then i left to go do drugs

I wanna stand with you on a mountain and throw you into the sea or whatever savage garden was on about

Me: I’ll start work early so I can stop working earlier

Also me: *just works twice as many hours cuz I started earlier

If your job doesn’t have a dress code, start wearing scrubs to it. Don’t say anything just do it and don’t answer any questions about it either

YOU CAN’T BE BOTH A NAZI AND A PROUD AMERICAN.

WE LITERALLY HAD A WAR ABOUT THIS.

THE WHOLE WORLD WAS INVOLVED.

Zombie: Ugh. Brains again?

Zombie wife: Well it’s not like you’ll eat anything else, Greg!

Men should feel comfortable with weeping openly.

Especially in front of a vending machine where the Reece’s slot is empty

I’m always here for you unless someone better looking needs me

“I have a cure for your burning bush.” — Moses hitting on the ladies

You didn’t comment on my selfie.
WHO IS SHE

They call cat people crazy but we’re not the ones outside at 5AM every morning putting fresh dog poop into tiny baggies.

Fun fact: The confetti you’ll see in Times Square tonight was made from one CVS receipt.

[at parent-teacher night]

Teacher:*looking at my coffee tumbler*
I see you’re a coffee enthusiast, too

Me: Coffee? Oh…yeah, coffee*wink*

Me: Damn dog is under the covers again!
Wife: No she’s not. She’s next to the bed.
Me: Oh.
Wife: …
Me: Might be time to shave your legs.

Your girlfriend isn’t hallucinating man, she’s actually seeing other people.

[During a baby shower]

Me: Ooh I caught one

Wife: Put it down we can’t afford another

Man: Is there a doctor in the house?

Dr: I have a PHD in literature

Man: This man is having a heart attack!

Dr: Thou know’st ’tis common; all that lives must die…