Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Coffee cake.

Just put 2 things I like together, what’s next?

Sex steak?

The only thing I miss about going to the movies is smuggling in an entire 4 course meal

My ex is fat!!! Yay…I win!!!

Know who put dinosaur bones in the ground? Dinosaurs. They WANTED us to think they were extinct. And now they’re waiting. Waiting to strike.

ME: Please don’t make me do this.

WIFE: We have no choice, we’re behind on the mortgage.

ME: Hey, Kevin, can we borrow $2000?

MY 11-YEAR OLD SON WHO MAKES $40k A MONTH PLAYING DOTA 2: Who’s Kevin?

ME: (sigh) Hey, DongKnocker420Yeeeeet, can we borrow $2000?

This guy is full of crap

-my colonoscopy doctor realizing that I didn’t do the pre-procedure cleanse

I’ll pick my dog’s poop up with my bare hands and put it in my pocket to end any chit-chat other dog walkers try to have with me in the morning.

Just because you didn’t say “thank you” doesn’t mean I’m won’t say “you’re welcome.” No need for us both to behave the way you were raised.

(interview for construction job)
Foreman: Your resume is just pictures of LEGOs?
Me: (proudly) Didn’t even have to look at the instructions

Thinking about the time my toddler was looking at his pruny fingers after a bath and said ‘mommy they look like your forehead.’

Found a great app on my phone that I’d forgotten about that shows what you’ll look like as an old person.

It’s called “Camera”.

I accidentally made eye contact with someone on a zoom meeting. I quickly looked away dripping in discomfort. Then I remembered it was zoom and we didn’t make eye contact at all, she looked at her camera.

life: do your best

me: (doing my best)

life: no a different best

Cop: You’re driving on the wrong side of the road.
Driver: Sorry, I’m English.
Cop: (shouting) It’s the wrong soid of the roade ye was droivin down, innit?

When you’re feeling frisky and shaved up to your knee.

Um, so you’re god’s gift to women? So was Jesus…look what happened to him.

You may want to rethink that.

A woman told me at dinner she liked me because I’m “not afraid to eat bread”–so I’m done with socializing for at least a year thanks

Walmart keeps two elderly people on staff at all times: one to greet you, and one to walk slowly in front of you on the way out.

Priests have a different personality when they’re not saying mass, because in the church they’re using their altar ego

…and send

I don’t throw anything out anymore I just go to TGIFriday’s once a month and glue more shit to the wall no one notices try it

How did harry potter get down the hill?? Walking .. JK Rownling

when no one is looking, squirrels use donuts as hula hoops

I don’t eat dessert for dinner nearly as much as I thought I would when I was 8

Sperm: hey
Egg: hi
Fallopian Tube: ugh get a womb u two

College was the most expensive video-streaming service in last 2 years

Never turn your back while kids are in the bath.

Drown shmown!
Those punks are gonna dump a whole bottle of shampoo in for mega bubble bath

My neighbors don’t appreciate the vital service that I provide (being first on the walking trail every morning and therefore taking out all the spiderwebs with my face)

My therapist says I’m making progress but that’s only because I lie to her

I hate when ppl put group pics on tinder like how am I supposed to know which one’s Bret