Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Why would I want to talk to your baby? On the phone. It’s a baby. If I wanted to hear random noises when I talk, I have a husband for that.

If you were the birthday gift I bought my daughter 3 months ago, where would you be hiding?

My college girlfriend texted me for the first time in 10 years this weekend and I’m 1 million percent sure this is Adele’s fault

Found $12 bucks today!
Well, it was in my daughters purse, but I figure she owes me at least $50,000 by now.

[i walk in and hang my hat on the hook, visibly dejected]

wife: how did the interview go?!

me: terrible

wife: what? did you get a chance to show them your biggest strength?

me: yeah. guess they aren’t fans of the tickle monster

I can still fit into the locker I was shoved into in high school.

Hotel reviews are pure chaos. You’ll read, “Breathtaking lobby. Extraordinary suites. My stay filled me with a deep & lasting sense of peace.” Then the next one’s like, “This dump is FILTHY! Elevator was SLOW! Ice machine TIPPED over & I’m STILL pinned BENEATH IT!!!”

Microwave manufacturers: we made a special button just in case you want to make popcorn in your microwave

Popcorn manufacturers: u touch that button and we will burn the whole goddamn house down

1st time waking up my teen: *rubs back* Hey buddy, time to get up.

2nd time: *shakes him* It’s been 5 minutes. Get up.

3rd time: *rips blanket off* Get up NOW!

4th time: *rage breathing* YOU’RE LATE!

My teen: *dramatically sits straight up* WHY DIDN’T YOU WAKE ME SOONER?!

I got a raw meat sandwich that I really don’t like so I swallowed it completely.

AC changed midlife crisis to kidlife crisis & now 5 is leaving me for a younger dad that drives a sports car

ME: *striking a pose at the end of the runway*

PILOT (over intercom): we’ll take off as soon as this fuckin moron gets out of the way

Apparently being half naked on a conference call is especially not appropriate when it’s the left half.

Therapist: Alright, let’s start at the beginning

Me: *Sighs* I guess it all really started when I wasn’t born a centaur

What this four-way stop needs is some kind of signal that would let people know when it’s their turn to go

The most unbelievable thing in movies is when someone guesses the password of a computer that’s not theirs. I can’t even figure out my own password. That I changed yesterday.

Okay this integrity isn’t going to compromise itself

*always thought ‘copulation’ was the amount of police officers in a given country.

My weight loss goal is to not care about the crumbs at the bottom of a Pringles can.

It’s because it’s Bring Your Daughter To Work Day, sweetie. That’s why. What Papa is doing right now is called an “autopsy”. Stop crying.

Researching blood spatter patterns to make tonight’s Shelf Elf display as technically accurate as possible

Just think: right now, your body is cookin’ up some poop.

husband: we need to get your ring insured in case there’s a fire or tornado

me: but what if the tornado wants to use my ring to propose to his tornado girlfriend

husband:

Hi, I’m Suki. And I just turned the volume down because it was getting too cold in my car.

I always carry a red Sharpie on me in case I have to draw blood.

TRAIN’S HERE

Your car took up two spaces, I tried to move it over with my key.

twitter: you don’t owe ANYONE an explanation. ghost him. it’s called SELF CARE

twitter the next day: ghosting is literally physical abuse. DO NOT under any circumstances ghost ANYONE because they will likely decide to take their own life and you will be held solely responsible.

[first day as EMT]

Me: *checks pulse*

Victim’s wife: well?

Me: *shakes head*

Victim’s wife: I don’t think you should shake his head

There is no try. There is only give up.