What word has the biggest disconnect between spelling and pronunciation?
Asking for our friend, Siobhan.
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So it turns out the child that cost me the most money in the Legoland store……was me.
Texting 15 year old son after his high school dance:
Me: Hi baby! How was the dinner beforehand? Did you have fun? How was the dance? Did you dance with your date? Did you remember to tell her that her dress was pretty? Was it fun?
15: good
Kid: Mom, the demon in my closet wants pizza or else it will kill us all
Me: The demon in your closet got pizza money?
his palms are sweaty, knees weak, palms are sweaty. he forgot his lyrics already, palms are sweaty
I don’t go to Starbucks very often. It’s intimidating. I never know how to order. Last time I ended up with a cup of hot dog water.
Cant believe they scheduled work at my 9-5 job the day after I decided to get drunk on a Wednesday I am appalled
Them: Ma’am, we’re going to have to ask you leave…
Me: *doing the limbo under the police tape at a crime scene*
He’ll be directing planes to the gate in no time.
#PayInHay
#Kerching
An ATM has surveillance footage of me feeding it Kraft Singles, so there’s that.
My favorite act of vengeance is befriending your dad and convincing him that dread locks would look cool on him.
the concept of modeling is insane to me. “buy our clothes. here, check out how they look on someone infinitely more attractive than you, you messy slob”
Nutritionist: Do you eat salad?
Me: Yes, I love potato salad.
Nutritionist: no
My friends made fun of me for buying this flamethrower, but at least I don’t have to shovel snow this weekend.
Someone added the GameCube intro to my unemployment graph & it’s significantly better now.
I’m just a girl
standing in front of a pizza
asking it to not have carbs.
“Want a treat?”
“Is it medicine?”
“It’s peanut butter.”
“Is it medicine?”
“You love peanut butter!”
“ANSWER THE QUESTION, DOUG.”
he was a gator boy
she said catch you later boy
she was with animal control
Are 19th Century menstrual pads called period pieces?
To whoever has my voodoo doll, can you stop making me stare at my phone all day? This isn’t funny. I just want to live life again.
These Valtrex commercials are confusing… Are herpes a pre-requisite for kayaking and rock climbing?
Trying to remember if I ever promised anyone I’d do something “the next time there’s a total solar eclipse” just to get them off my back
HER: {brings me to bedroom} And this is where the magic happens.
ME: Show me {moves closer}
HER: What do you want me to do to you baby? {moves closer}
ME: {so close that our lips are almost touching} Saw me in half.
People refuse to believe you when they ask what you do for fun and you say “sit quietly at home.”
They’re like, “haha, no, if you can do anything!”
Like, yeah dude, this conversation is what’s preventing me from living my dream. As soon as we’re done, guess what I’m gonna do?
Okay body wash, unless you’re caffeinated and drinkable, you can cool it with the “energizing” claims. You’re soap.
*calls out under the bed
Me: Are you still there?
Monster: Nope. Go to sleep.
Not to brag, but I can spend hours coming up with reasons not to do something that takes 5 minutes.
there’s a fine line between things that need to be tweeted and things that need to be medicated.
I just overheard someone threaten that they were going to “put their foot down”. What kind of threat is that unless you’re Godzilla?
H: where did you move after your divorce?
Me: On.
I moved on.