What word has the biggest disconnect between spelling and pronunciation?
Asking for our friend, Siobhan.
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Kids are supposed to dress like their future career at my daughter’s school today and my husband told her to wear a nice shirt with pajama pants and say she was a remote worker on a video call.
Parenting is cool because:
-it’s the hardest thing you’ve ever done
-the stakes are the highest they’ve ever been
-no one can tell you how to do it
-you have to make a million choices every day
-there’s no way to ever know if any of them were correct
-socks just constantly vanish
It took me 13 years but I finally deleted most of my e-mails.
[playing the board game Guess Who]
Me: Is your person handsome?
5-year-old: No, they look like you.
when you’re a parent you can expect to find a banana anywhere. ANYWHERE.
I just saved a bundle on future college tuition by finding out my 4 year old wants to be a gum ball when he grows up.
Keep your friends close and your enemies in the freezer.
All of the good tweets are either married or gay.
the CDC reading all the CDC tweets tomorrow
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Her: I’ve found a picture of you when you were a baby!
Me: yeah? let me see.
Her: *shows me a pic she took during a previous argument*.
[mall food court]
Me: *stomach rumbling* OMG not now
Brain: Too bad you hate using public washrooms
My White Undies: Sweet baby jesus no
My body says you’re tired go to sleep, my mind says have you ever thought about why only elephants have knees like ours.
Cellphones have two brightness settings: “dim” and “the messiah is back”
hi aliens, if you’re harvesting humans the best and juiciest ones have a lot of numbers in their bank accounts
Cult Leader: Our god must be appeased
Me: Maybe he’d like to be acarroted instead
Cult Leader: …
Wife: Omg I can’t take you anywhere
I got dumped by my therapist, she said “ she needs to work on her”
“don’t invite a vampire into your home” buddy i don’t invite anyone into my home.
When your body decides that was one meat lover’s pizza too many
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*peeks under bathroom stall*
How’s the wifi signal in there?
Hotel room coffee is still better than that whole relationship with you
Hot Girl: Hey, u single?
Me: I am.
HG: Cool, can I take this extra chair?
If you missed any of the most recent presidential debate, you can catch one side of it on any given Facebook friend’s page.
When your internet goes out and you are forced to get to know your surroundings
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I have an eating disorder. I’m about to eat dis order of pizza, dis order of fries and dis order of nuggets.
That tweet was so bad I felt sorry for the alphabet.
“I don’t want to make a spectacle…”
Eye glass manufacturers last day on the job.
me: my night terrors are getting worse
therapist: anything you can change about your night-time routine?
[flashback to eating a wheel of mature cheddar in bed every night]
m: *shaking my head* nope, not a damn thing
gonna wash my car with my girlfriends pomeranian to spice things up
As my friend Joe’s last wish I had him cremated and sprinkled his ashes into the coffee pots at work..all morning everyone had a cup of Joe
dave is coming over
“normal dave or dave whos alwayes doing impressions of evrybody we know”
[from outside] hi guyes, its normal dave
“noooo