What would aliens say if told that Earthlings shift clocks by an hour to fool themselves into thinking there’s more sunlight
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We’re not really in the same boat if you’re the only one with a life jacket
This guy must be getting annoyed by now
Ok team, today we’re …..oh
My husband asked me what I need at Target… Target will tell me what I need thanks
first date idea we go to marriage counseling
“I’m a huge fan.” – Peacocks
Don’t check on your introverted friends this time of year. They’re probably turning their lights off and pretending they’re not home
Jesus: Time for a miracle!
Puritan: Anyone who goes in water and floats is a witch
Jesus:
Puritan:
Jesus: who likes fish
I’ve won 5 straight games of Operation, so I am more than qualified to perform a tracheotomy.
Stop screaming at me like you’re the only one who realizes our kitchen is on fire. The arrogance.
Me: The worst thing about quarantine is that I’m running low on hot sauce.
BFF: Why you lying?
Only sending condolence cards when someone dies is not enough. We need a range of cards that enable us to sympathise with people about smaller things too
I bet you’ll watch the cell phone camera footage of this concert for years & remember the fun you had holding up a cell phone at a concert.
I talk a lot of shit for someone whose immune system interprets my ear piercings as a threat.
Laundry needs to be put away.
I look at the basket.
The basket looks at me.
Old western shoot our music looms in the background.
The most important aspect of opening a Chinese restaurant is hiring a good chicken to fry the rice.
“Nice to meet you. What’s your real name? Want to see my dick?” – Every Kik convo, ever
Help me. I just emailed someone called Colin and it autocorrected to Colon. I called him Colon. I’ve sent it, it’s too late. Just saw it now. Do I apologise or act like I don’t know. Is anyone else here called Colin. Does this ever happen? What are your expectations?
The fridge drawer is marked “crisper” but it is pronounced “rotter.”
HER: What kind of music do you like?
ME: Hm. Imagine dragons.
HER: Okay.
ME: Cool. Now imagine them playing banjos with their claws.
This guy blowing through stop signs to get to church on time must be pious as hell.
I don’t need armpits that smell like fruit salad or “sexy intrigue”. I exude that naturally.
The fruit salad smell. Not the sexy intrigue.
won’t smith
ALLOW CURSE WORDS IN THE SPELLING BEE ALREADY, GIVE THE LITTLE NERDS A THRILL
I spend a lot of time looking at new recipes for someone who regularly burns instant noodles
cat owners will hear their cat go “prrrp” in a certain tone and be like “oh one second my cat wants the heating pad turned on”
So narcissistic, I crush on my alt.
the 1000 IQ baby who kills itself at 1 year old
“How do you like your tea? Milk, sugar, eels?”
“Eels?”
“Okay, eels.” I say, unscrewing the cap on a carton of highly agitated eels.