Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Don’t wanna brag, but I just beat my own record for most consecutive days spent without dying.

My elbow watching me do a full skin care routine on my face.

POOR BOY FROM BOHEMIAN RHAPSODY: I need no sympathy.

ALSO THE POOR BOY: IM JUST A POOR BOY, NOBODY LOVES ME, MAMA, LIFE HAD JUST BEGUN, AND NOW IVE GONE AND THROWN IT ALL AWAY

Walks you into the bedroom.
Stands you up straight against the wall.
*you notice the sign that says “You must be this tall to ride this guy”

Me: Throw in a few extra this time.
Pharmacist: We’ve talked about this.

Don’t forget to contemplate the meaning of life while standing in the cycle lane with your car door wide open today.

typing in the same password a third time but more powerfully

Oh no, I accidentally drove over my neighbor’s creepy garden gnome 12 times.

I like to start my mornings w/ a luxurious deep tissue massage*

*kids climbing all over me until they puncture my spleen & I finally get up

Me: I’m here for Unreliable Club

Guy: The meeting was yesterday

Me: I know

Guy *under breath* holy shit this guy’s good

When someone tells me how old their kid is in months, I ask them to rephrase it in days, so they know what I just went through.

Adulting so well today. Managed to make the bed while i was still in it.

Now to figure out how to get out, without messing it up.

[reeling in big fish and turns to friend]
you got the net?
“yes”
ok, google how to get this thing in the boat

Half of this strand of Christmas lights doesn’t work so I’m just going to ball it back up and toss it in the bin so it can piss me off again next year.

Me: I’ll take these shovels. Do you carry limes

Cashier: *suspicious* Do you mean lime?

Me: Which one goes in rum and coke?

Cashier: Limes

Me: The other one, the dead body one

[lying with girlfriend & looking up at the stars]
“Hey–”
*points to shooting star*
“You’ve put on a lot of weight.”

Remember when movies didn’t show you the entire plot in the trailer?

You can’t just ask me why it takes me so long to get ready, would you tell Medusa to comb her snakes faster

{Me as a police trainee}
COP: So whoever killed him—
ME: Or WHATever kil—
COP: Nope. No. That’s not a real thing. WHOever killed him… did it with something sharp.
ME:
COP:
ME: *Quietly to myself* Or someONE sharp.

If you occasionally blow on your bourbon during a Zoom meeting, the other folks will think you’re enjoying a hot cup of tea.

“Instruction manuals are for amateurs,” I proclaim, just prior to assembling the item in such a way that not even the manufacturer would recognize it

Got a little bit lost in the woods. I’m putting everything into the clothes hamper in case of tics.

Heck, I’m going into the hamper too.

Someone stole the C and L off my work besties door, which I guess was probably pretty predictable in hindsight…

Some people say the key to a successful marriage is communication, but it’s actually keeping your mouth shut when they send you anything from the Internet that you already saw two weeks ago.

“But she’s hot and not really that crazy”

~men about to have their bunny boiled

Don’t tell me to “relax” and then get mad when I pee my pants.

[looking disappointed at the playboy mansion]
i was told there’d be bunnies

You think you’re your own worst critic? Just wait till you have kids

I’m tired of pretending that people know what a first cousin once removed is.

For the love of God, what is Jesus saving? Is it coupons? I bet it’s coupons