“What would be your main strength?”
Well, I can communicate with animals…
“Wow, impressive. Any weaknesses?”
They can’t understand me.
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Oh sure, a guy spends 3 days in complete isolation and when he comes out, they call him “messiah”, but when I do it, they call it “job abandonment”.
I just fell over putting on my underpants. Vengeance most surely will not be mine.
Me: [to 15 yr old] “You already eat?”
15: “ya”
Me: “What colour’d you use?”
15: “I used orange.”
Me: “Cool. I’ll use a white.”
– mac n cheese has it’s own language.
‘….annnnnnd now you have TWO hours before you have to get up.’
~The monster under my bed
It’s cool, I don’t know why I’m still talking either.
If it comes down to Joe Biden vs Donald Trump we should just accept our fates & let a chili dog eating contest determine who’s president.
In Australia we say tuna not tuna fish because tuna cow and tuna chicken are not readily available here.
Netflix should’ve just maybe mailed us all this fight on DVD
rise and shine we got egg
As highly as it’s esteemed, the Mayo Clinic still sounds like the place sick sandwiches go to get better.
Nutritionist: Do you eat salad?
Me: Yes, I love potato salad.
Nutritionist: no
1 star recipe reviews are always like “I replaced the sugar with flax seed and butter with spinach and these pancakes came out dry and gross. Do not recommend”
It’s actually only “Helvetica” if it comes from the Helvetia region of Europe. Otherwise you have to call it “sparkling Arial”
grandpa was shocked
I was watching a show for about 5 minutes and this chick was listing all these really fun things to do when I realized I was watching a religious show and she was listing sins
[Gameshow]
Host: “You are one question away from our grand prize. How do you feel?”
Me: “With my hands.”
Host: “Correct!”
*crowd goes nuts*
“I need a synonym for equivalence.”
“Synonym.”
“Yes a synonym.”
“Synonym is the word.”
“It is and I need one for equivalence.”
“It’s synonym.”
“I think that’s how I’m pronouncing it.”
“THE WORD IS SYNONYM.”
“Whatever, now will you give me one for equivalence.”
Boys have dad bods
Men have father figures
MORGAN FREEMAN: I’m here to narrate your life
ME: cool!
[2 hrs later]
MF: he’s still trying to figure out the childproof cap on his Tylenol
Thought I’d be trendy and try one of these ‘alternative milks’.
I don’t know what a magnesia is, but it made my Cocoa Puffs taste horrible…
A chia pet tampon so you can have a lil sheep for your troubles.
Dad passed away several years ago but every Thanksgiving with the family all together I can’t help but think, you lucky bastard.
Police officer: please step out of your vehicle
me: after this song, hold on
“i have good news & bad news”
wife: bad news 1st
“the washing machine broke”
wife: and the good news?
“the dogs are clean AF”
‘Brexit’ to be followed by Grexit. Departugal. Italeave. Fruckoff. Czechout. Oustria. Finish. Slovakout. Latervia. Byegium.
Baby are you the middle of July because I was not ready for you at all and feel very aware that I should have been working out
I have never seen a single “when animals attack” video that I wasn’t rooting for the animal.
People are all like once you turn 30 you never want to leave your house. I was 4.
Being a civilian in a city of superhero’s must be so long 😭