“What would be your main strength?”
Well, I can communicate with animals…
“Wow, impressive. Any weaknesses?”
They can’t understand me.
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Movies didn’t prepare us for the apocalypse to be this stupid
“Good parenting isn’t giving your kid everything she needs, but rather it is giving her the tools to enable her to obtain those things for herself” I reflect as I apply the finishing touches to my 5 year old‘s flamethrower.
Five minutes before my break:
“Hi, I need some computer help. I need to sign into this website but to do that I need to get into my email and I don’t know any of the passwords and also I lost my phone but I assume that won’t be a problem.”
“Friday the 13th sent you, didn’t it?”
Why did they call it ‘Rambo: First Blood Part 2’ instead of ‘Rambo: Second Blood’? That’s some bullshit right there.
Them: you smell nice
Me: thanks, it’s the dryer sheet I just found in my sleeve
Thoughts while driving:
-Hope that light stays green.
-Hope it stays yellow.
-Hope no one saw me run that red light.
Sketch artist: Two criminals? You just described a vase to me
Me: Look at the negative space either side of it
Sketch artist: Holy shit…
Rescued a Roomba from eBay and gave it a forever home.
Saw a teen couple buying condoms in the pharmacy so I let my grandbaby run around their feet & whispered ‘that’s the brand my daughter used’
Me: Opposite of Ladyfinger should be Mentos.
Grocery store clerk: *into walkie talkie* Security? He’s back!
america famously invented speed limits during the cold war, back when they didn’t trust anyone that was rushin’
At the pediatrician’s office:
Me: I know every word to every song I have ever heard.
Receptionist: Great, but I asked for your son’s birthday.
Me: ……
There’s something strangely unsettling about the petting zoo selling hamburgers.
Anyone know any Sausage Biscuits looking for a job?
put on my eevee cosplay and my mom said i looked like a squirrel and took a picture of me in our yard and posted it in our neighborhood facebook group saying that the squirrels are getting larger this year and that someone needs to contact animal control
Who called it a hive for bees to live and not a site to beehold?
Ted Talks how about Ted shut up for once
I’m being attacked 😭
When I can’t barge, I careen.
My trainer says not to drink beer bc it makes you fat.
So tonight I’ve had a six pack of red wine.
I just saw a girl running without headphones and I feel I should call the police. She might be in trouble.
If your girl takes care of animals at the zoo treat her right cause she’s a keeper.
There’s never a good place to clip your toenails at the library.
Col Mustard: We’ll have a quiet night
Miss Scarlet: No murdering!
Professor Plum: No one dying tonight!
Me: What’s wrong? Are you all “board” of it lmao
*long pause*
Col Mustard: Maybe a little murdering
Miss Scarlet: Toss me that candlestick
ME: these fireworks are so quiet
WIFE: those are palm trees
[fancy restaurant]
ME: *combs my beard with a fork*
HER: what the hell man
ME: oh shit did I use the wrong one?
If you’re head of the CIA and can’t hide an extramarital affair it means it can’t
be done. Case closed, fellas.
“Taking a perfect selfie is just a matter of perfect lighting and applying the right filter”
*puts sheet over head*
*turns off light*
“O honey, it looks like you got your period last night. I guess well need to get new shee- wait! Wait one minute!” ~ Japanese flag designer