Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

The liquor store has hours of operation but I call them visiting hours.

“Only a good guy with a forest fire can prevent forest fires” – Smokey the NRA Bear

I *just* got the angel food cake in the oven. It took forever to peel all those angels.

My kid: I’ll look

Me: No, no one is going to look

Target Employee: Why don’t you take a look at our new collection of home decor? It’s so beautif-

Me: *blindly flailing a knife from under the blanket covering our heads and cart* I’M ONLY HERE FOR LAUNDRY SOAP, DEMON

Daughter: Want a cake for your birthday.

Me: No, cakes are expensive.

Daughter: It’s not the cake, it’s all those candles!

4yo: *shoots me with gun*
*stuffs gun in my pocket*
*runs away*
Me: *Realizes he just made it look like a suicide*
*keeping an eye on him*

What did Jay-Z call Beyoncé before they got married?

Feyoncé…

Who called it raising pigs for meat and not Mama, just killed a ham?

Hey girl, heaven must be missing an angel….cause it looks like you ate one

I have never flown first class. Does the food just taste better because you get to lie down while you eat it?

The grammar police are there to ensure proper sentencing.

It’s not my fault that the Ouija Board always says, “you guys should order a large pizza” every time I play.

[first day as a pilot]

control tower: what are your coordinates

me: I’m by a cloud that looks like a lion

control tower: can you be more specific

me: simba

Colleague: Quick, the boss is on her way!
Me: That’s weird I swear that I didn’t hear her broomstick!

We do this thing at my house where somebody puts an empty pizza box on top of the trash can and then someone else puts trash on top of that and then another person puts trash on top of that and suddenly we’re all playing jenga in reverse

We loved to call random numbers and say “I think your dog is on my porch.” If we got somebody who said “I don’t have a dog” then we would yell I DON’T HAVE A PORCH and hang up.

Americans: “Beans on toast? Gross.”

Also Americans:

[First Date]

Waiter: Hi, would u like to start off with an appetizer?

Me: I’m gonna wait until my date arrives

W: Sir, it’s been 3 hours

Pro Tip: you can’t just be sorry. You have to understand why I expect you to be sorry and be able to articulate that back to me in detail

The attic in my garage that has been sealed shut for 3 years is mysteriously open and omg I have to move now.

welcome to your parents’ house, where the wifi password is hkH6U3pvL2PbqtEf

Remember when parents said “I’ll give you something to cry about” & were scared they’d hit us but they destroyed the housing market instead?

well, that freaky sound coming from the basement was just the pipes going wonky
of course, I didn’t have a basement this morning, so that’s a whole different problem

“what’s a skit rip?”
– me, misreading “ski trip” on the mini crossword time to put me in a nursing home omg

I’m good in short bursts like grenades or gamma radiation.

There’s a fine line between flirty and creepy. And that line is called being good looking.

If the kids can’t find something I say “I think it’s in the car” then I sit in the car for 10 minutes on my own pretending to look for it

Parent level: expert

The wife and I just got divorced.

We split the house………I got the outside.

ME: it’s 69 degrees in france
FRIEND: nice
ME: no paris