“What would be your main strength?”
Well, I can communicate with animals…
“Wow, impressive. Any weaknesses?”
They can’t understand me.
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You never really forget how to misquote sayings. It’s like buying a bicycle
I’ve been married for about 45 lbs.
People who use any other buttons on your microwave besides 30 Seconds default one, explain yourselves!
[work call]
Me: this is Erin
Caller: hey hun how ya doin this is Frank Ravioli I was referred to you by David
Me: (assuming this is an elaborate hoax by my best friend) oh sure Frankie Rav how may I help you
Caller:
Me:
Caller: David from (one of my best clients)
Me: oh no
On the bright side you only need one more brain cell and you could pass as a plant
When you try to tell a story but start getting anxious and mess it up, that’s a panicdote.
her: i like a guy that can last long 😉
me, a piece of flavored gum: shit
Interviewer: can I get you anything?
Me: yea a job
Me: I really want to go travelling
My bank balance: like…around the house?
Just overheard my 87-year-old Dad speaking to my pooch:
“You’re seven years old? You look REALLY good for seven!”
Furniture Salesman: This dining table is made of solid maple and can seat up to twelve people.
Me: (Dumps two loads of laundry on top.) I’ll take it.
It’s true. Losing one sense enhances others.
For example, you lost your sense of humor but your sense of entitlement is through the roof.
as a baby i drank gin and now i eat pine trees no problem. my brother on the other hand, didnt start drinking gin til he was 22 and everyday he struggles eating his pine tree
Me: I’m really worried about becoming a first time dad, I’m just so forgetful.
10yo daughter: You don’t need to tell me.
“I’m sure this happens every time a famous person dies but I wanted to see if the library had any of his CDs.”
“You mean like… music CDs?”
“Yeah. By Shane MacGowan? The Pogues?”
“Oh thank goodness, I thought you were talking about Henry Kissinger.”
If your doctor has to google something right in front of you, you’re probably going to die.
[1st date]
Her: So, tell me about yourself
Me: Well, I’ve got a black belt-
Her: Oh!
Me: …and *looking down*.. brown shoes, gray socks…
Every time my parents buy my kids a loud toy, I submit their phone number to a mortgage refinancing company.
My life hack? If you buy a Rubik’s cube and never touch it they’ll never know you can’t solve it.
Show me a parent who has given 2 choices for dinner & I’ll show you a kid who picks something that wasn’t even an option
The kids and I left the house on time this morning, so now I have to stop for coffee because I don’t have the adrenaline I usually get from running late
My dad is watching American Pie and the sex scenes are somehow more uncomfortable at 36 than they were as a teen
Stop putting cauliflower where there once was something delicious.
Cancelling plans is okay. Having your friend over even though he insulted you is okay. Taking him to your wine cellar to show him your rare Amontadillo is okay. Sealing him in with bricks and entombing him alive is okay. Do what you need to do to cope.
It’s taking my husband like way longer to leave me for a younger woman than movies and tv led me to believe it would and honestly I’m pretty annoyed
AHHHHHHHH HONEY COME QUICK THERE’S A RAT IN THE SHOwer oh uh never mind, it’s just my hair in the drain
I illegally download music, but only Metallica.
They seem to be pretty cool about it.
[using a dust pan for the first time]
Me: honey, how long until this dirt is cooked
My wife was going to make pancakes. Then she wasn’t. Then she was. Then wasn’t. Then was. Now it looks like she’s just waffling.
My smart washer was hacked by the Russians so I couldn’t do laundry today, at least that’s what I’m going to tell her.