Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

*i drop my pen at work*
Guy who backpacked around Europe: that reminds me of this little village in the north of Romania

Emily Dickinson: hope is the thing with feathers

Taxidermist: you’re fired

Lots of people ask me why I’m still single and I don’t tell them anything, I just hang around them for a few minutes

An e-mail confirming you’ve unsubscribed from a mailing list is a fun way of saying you’re not having the last word in THIS argument, pal.

And then come the thinkpieces. “ARE Cats Really iPhones?” “Why Telling People Who Think Cats Are iPhones They’re Wrong Isn’t the Answer”

The way Burger King make you feel like a Dickensian orphan when you ask for a second package of sauce is truly something.

Detective: I need to dust for prints, but I can’t find my kit.

Me, eating Cheetos: Here’s a wild idea…

I just innocently told my wife that for the past 8 years I’ve thought it was okay to put bobbles and hair pins in the bin if they’re just left lying around.

Holy shit. What a moment.

Ladies, if he:
– doesn’t introduce you to his parents
– never calls you back
– has four feet
– smells like potato chips
– could easily be mistaken for a loaf of bread

that’s my pug, you’re dating my pug

When I go to the movies alone, I take a clipboard so everyone thinks I’m a professional movie reviewer and not an awkward friendless loner.

One minute she’s saying “put yourself in my shoes” and the next it’s all “well you’ve gone and ruined them now, you idiot”

Me: Let’s start a mom and daughter journal!

12: It’s called texting.

[1st day at the zoo]
boss: did you feed the animals?

me: *looking at the signs that say don’t feed the animals* no

Getting picked last for kickball every time didn’t affect me at all. In fact, I barely remember it now, 51 years and seven months later.

they should make a thing that holds your tweet that you typed up for 27 minutes and then sends it to you and you have to affirm you actually want to post that thing you typed up 27 mins ago

Psychology says:

People will believe everything written after “psychology says.”

” i saw your ex”
A very unnecessary piece of information

If you think walking on eggshells is bad, try chewing them.

every. time.

Me: I don’t care how cute you are, I will tear you to shreds if you don’t start cooperating.

Wrapping paper: *rips*

Every year on Valentine’s Day, I put a smile on my wife’s face
by taking down the Christmas tree.

One day a guy named Matt banged a waitress and nine months later a mattress was born haha just messin around on this website.

Every time this gets RTed a member of Congress gets kicked in the groin.

My theory is, “things can’t be too bad if I can still laugh about it”

This has led to me making jokes at WILDLY inappropriate times

Did you know, that just by pretending to pee in the shower, you could meet Home Depot’s Chief of Security.

Boy. A zombie outbreak sure could get a solid foothold on a day like today, with all this tomfoolery and whatnot. Be safe out there, guys.

[commercial for salad]

Do you want to feel sad when you eat?

[after coronavirus]

Boss: welcome back to work everyone, great to have you all in the office again but I think some of you may have picked up some bad habits while working from home

Me: *in sweats, flip flops, and eating cereal out of a dog bowl* Like what?

“Bjärk! Bjärk!”

-Björk’s dog

Just yelled “out of my way monsters!” at a flock of seagulls, so I’m done interacting socially for the day