What would Jesus do? Today, take Mary out to Olive Garden.
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My 3-year-old stubbed his toe and then cried and screamed I’M DYING,” so I silently looked at my husband and he sighed and said, “I know. He got that from me.”
I know blood in horror movies is just corn syrup, but it’s still terrifying because at this point, that’s basically all my blood is
“Go on, fake throw the ball again, Phil. I dare you.”
Darth Vader: “My wife is dead so l’m gonna kill a lot of people :(”
Someone: “Oh, that sucks. Who killed her?”
Darth Vader: >:(
If I had a hill house I would simply not allow it to be haunted
I’ve had a bag of bolts on my desk for a week, and I can’t for the life of me remember what they’re for.
[product design]
CEO: I want our dry grocery items to have built-in Ziploc closures
me: OK should they be easy to open?
CEO: absolutely not
It’s not an argument. I’m right, and you’re just saying things.
My daughter just reached for the fridge and I yelled, “DON’T OPEN THE FRIDGE!”
She dropped her hand real fast and was like, “why!? What’s wrong!?”
I said, “what if there’s a salad dressing!?”
She hates me now
“Daddy, there’s a mime under the bed!”
That’s ridiculous, why would you think that?
“Listen!”
*complete silence*
OH DEAR GOD RUN
[first day as undercover cop]
me: [in full uniform] lol always takes a while to get used to new routines
mobster:
When gearing up for a mountain climbing adventure it is important to remember to no.
When I got my new jacket ,they said it was reversible. I tried it both ways ,but I had a hard time working the zipper behind my back
*dog pokes me with nose*
*stop, it’s late*
(Dog looks at me with sad eyes)
*ugh, ok*
[sets up poker table for him and his friends]
No officer,YOU`RE going the wrong way.
I will be answering all questions with both middle fingers this morning.
We could be like Romeo and Juliet. You go die and I’ll go to sleep.
[guy at party who’s embarrassed that he’s allergic to cats] how funny would it be if we snorted a line of Zyrtec hahah
My therapist sure does pronounce “awesome” a lot like “narcissism”
Them: awwww just let those dishes go, mama! They’ll get done eventually! Spend every second with your babies, it’s so fleeting 🥰
Me, industriously taking notes: Sounds great. What time should I expect the Dish Fairy to arrive
Sure stepping on a Lego is painful, but have you ever twisted your ankle tripping over a cold and shamed Natalie Imbruglia lying naked on the floor?
Local theater is doing CATS and I went last night and it’s very enjoyable but also super unrealistic; not one of the “cats” sat on a table and knocked shit onto the floor
The bright side of getting attacked by a Cyclops is only having to use half the pepper spray.
She doesn’t have a Gmail account cause all her males are hot
Are you tired of greasy pots and pans? Stubborn kitchen stains? Messy sponges and sprays? Me too. I wish the sun would devour the earth.
[Chocolate Cake 101]
Sober: Use a fork
Stoned: Use your fingers
Drunk: Use your face
When my daughter is alarmed she says what the fridge! And I’m cool with it.
Why Are My Nails Dirty When I Live Inside and Watch TV?
-a memoir