“WHAT?? You ate the last of the cantaloupe?? This is the worst day ever!”
Can you please stop being so melondramatic.
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7: Can I have a play date with Sally? She’s fun.
Me: Sure, but you know Mommy is the only girlfriend you can ever have, right?
Husband, walking by: Yeah, he’ll end up normal.
*plays Rocky theme song*
*cracks 5 raw eggs into glass and gulps them down*
*vomits on kitchen floor*
*turns off music*
*cleans kitchen*
Women with horses are rich versions of cat ladies.
Just realized I get most of my upper body strength from shredding cheese.
You can tell kids you’re friends with the President, they don’t know.
[solicitor reading my will]
“He [takes off glasses & pinches bridge of nose],
He wants to donate his arm to the drummer from Def Leppard”.
Whoever first said “I’m in a pickle” must have had the weirdest day.
Don’t you hate it when you march into the depths of hell and then you can’t remember what you went in there for.
“If you don’t let the Jews go, I will find you. I will kill you.”
Liam Neeson returns in…
TAKEN 3: SCHINDLER’S PISSED
(Summer 2015)
Where do I sign up to be one of those tiktokers with 2M followers whose whole thing is just standing in front of other people’s content and nodding?
ME [opening a card from the boss that says ‘get better soon’]: but i’m not sick, sir
BOSS: no, you’re just
terrible at this job
Me: Donuts can cure a brain tumor.
Friend: But you don’t have a brain tumor…
Me: [ taking a bite of a donut ]
…EXACTLY.
Excel is weird because you never know you aren’t that good at it, until you are asked to do something you’ve never heard of
Hell yeah I’m a catholic i’ve been addicted to cats my whole life
My forgiveness comes with the price of never forgetting.
Nike is coming out with a line
of Air Brady football shoes.They have a built in suspension feature.
You just have to let some air out.
I heard a landline ring the other day and I legit thought it was a fire alarm
son: I don’t think he likes me
wife: your dad just has a hard time showing affection
me: [holding bag of doritos] GOD I LOVE DORITOS
writer: you know how cats chase mice?
producer: yea?
writer: this one has a twist
producer: *leaning back* go on
writer: the mouse outsmarts the cat
producer: *slamming hands on desk* preposterous!
writer: i call it tom & jerry
producer: *wiping tears* those are my names
Cop: You swerved into the other lane…do you know how fast you were driving?
Me: did I look like I was paying attention?
*at dinner table*
Me: ‘Remember that time I lied to you about liking your potato salad?’
Her:
Me: ‘Anyway, I’m sorry.’
I’m going to break into your house and steal that thing with the little wheels on it under the plate in your microwave.
I slapped my hands but they never listen they just keep tapping that keyboard anyways
A terrible baby shower game idea is called, “Have a man come in and guess which woman at the shower is pregnant.”
Me: *stuffing a ham into my pillow*
Wife: what are you doing
Me: it’s in case someone tries to stuff a ham into my pillow, they’ll be like “ah damn”
*Feels the cool breeze caressing my skin*
Cool breeze: I have a girlfriend
WB: We want you to play the Penguin.
Colin Farrell: OK.
WB: But you’ll have to wear a ton of uncomfortable prosthetics for long periods of time.
Farrell: Sure.*3 years later*
Farrell: I didn’t sign up for this.
Imagine if we discovered another ocean. I hope we name it Billy
Lol. If u can’t pass, atleast confuse the teacher 😆😅🙉
