What you call “Brunch” I call “Breakfast for Alcoholics.”
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If I ever move into a mansion, it means I definitely won the lottery, or I’m successfully blackmailing someone.
Who called it ‘my foot’s asleep’ and not ‘comatoes’
It’s like my cat doesn’t realize my retirement plan involves him doing something interesting enough to be famous on the Internet.
how much does a mortician urn in a year
jfc Caroline my wife almost saw this
*rushes in*
“Sorry I didn’t see the email”
*slow smile*
*twirls hair*[Teaching office new girl how to be late for meetings]
I worry for women who get whisked off without warning on magical journeys. Like, girl, grab some tampons. They don’t have those in Narnia.
There is no greater evil in this world than somebody who DMs you a picture of their moist slice of cake…knowing that you have no cake.
For someone, somewhere, today is the last day they will have 10 fingers.
Life can be compared to a ‘Choose your own adventure’ book.
Sometimes there’s a happy ending; sometimes you get eaten by a bear.
Industry heads warn the cost of airfare will continue to rise, at least if passengers keep whining about things like “doors falling off” and “having their luggage.”
I don’t think people are allowed to complain about a Wonka Experience that sold itself as a day of magical whimsy then delivered uncanny horror beyond comprehension
Emotional awareness simply means recognizing, respecting, and accepting your feelings as they happen.
📸: @livinglyfree
#emotion #positivemindset #PositiveVibes #selfcare #selfcare
[lying voice] oh my god sorry i JUST saw this
Me: preparing dinner
Her: why did you just say that?
Me: *sorry, I forgot to include the asterisk*
Her: Hello?
Me: It’s so nice to be wearing a shirt that fits and isn’t stained.
Toothpaste: Hi
My favourite thing on Twitter is when someone completely drops their online persona to demand answers from a train company / broadband provider.
only baby boomers will get this:
*pension*
Fool me once shame on you
Fool me 307 times you must be a suitcase on the baggage carousel that looks like mine.
“I’m tired.”
– Beat Cop
It still really upsets me that my dog stopped talking to me around the same time I gave up taking hallucinogenic drugs.
Huge sale this weekend, we have too many mountain lions, please come buy a mountain lion, this was a horrible business plan, one guy got ate
“wfh”
what it means: work from home
what my brain sees: what fthe hell?
took my mom to detective pikachu she said she liked the “garlic pokemon”
Its really disgusting how other white people dont even know about the plight of [quickly wikipedias “Who is having alot of plight 2012]
[date]
HER: Do you want to have children?
ME: *leans in close* I thought you understood that I would be the child in this relationship.
Flight attendant: Can I get you something to drink?
Me: What kind of gravy do you have?
“I heard this story last time. Do you have anything new?”
-Me, as a therapist.
I’m sorry I snort-laughed when you were saying your vows.