Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

We have a ghost. Came home and found the fridge magnets rearranged: “I see dreadful people.”

Optimus Prime: The Decepticons are fast approaching. They seek to destroy us.

Optimist Prime: Maybe they just want to say hello

Optometrist Prime: Cover one eye and shout out the big ones

I don’t always forget there’s new glass doors At work but when I do I make sure to walk into them face first In front of my coworkers.

*holding cardboard sign by intersection*
NOT POOR JUST ON MY WAY TO BREAK DANCING SCHOOL

Whenever people say they’re willing to do “whatever it takes” to “make it in Hollywood” they never mean “patiently work on their craft”.

Wife: this is how monsters are made

Me: [stuffing the turkey with gummy vitamins] we are going to be healthy af.

Oh really? I swallow eight spiders a year in THEIR sleep

Been running on this treadmill for three hours but the timer says 16 minutes

Sure kids are great but have you tried sleep?

I’m preparing for Halloween early by pretending not to be home every time someone knocks the door.

I get a new phone every year just so my friends don’t think I’m lying when I tell them I’ve lost their number

Avoidance is expensive

social media jobs be like:

Do you know your TikTok from your Facebook? have you ever heard of or seen “a computer”?

Then you just might be perfect for our SOCIAL MEDIA DIRECTOR job, running every online element of our business

£13k, Slough

Can someone please invent pantyhose that don’t rip?

I think everyone in this bank just saw my face.

Voldemort: I’m here to kill Harry Pott- [struggling to open baby gate]

James Potter: push down and then pull back

Voldemort: I am [still struggling]

Lily Potter: jiggle it he needs to jiggle it

Voldemort: I AM JIGGLING IT; You know what forget it I’ll come back when he’s 10

Me: Gluten Morgen!

Wife: You made waffles, didn’t you?

Me: *in my breakfast lederhosen* Ja!

The best thing about humans is that many of the richest and most prosperous among us collect bottles of rotten grape juice.

You’d be surprised at all the discounts you get when you come in swinging a sword!

How people walk when they’re:

DATING *holding hands*
ENGAGED *arms locked*
MARRIED *one person is 5 feet in front of the other and yelling back at them for parking so far away*

she is beauty, she is grace
she’s got a hotdog for the space

I think we figured out which one was Destiny’s child.

My son came home and told me a classmate spoiled a huge part of Harry Potter for him, so now I have to meet a 2nd grader behind the bleachers at 3pm with my nunchucks.

Spaghetti, because you didn’t like that shirt anyways

If I’m suddenly acting really nice to you, chances are it’s only because I want what you’re eating.

TUPAC IS DEAD
BIGGIE IS DEAD
AND ME ALSO I AM FEELING NOT SO GOOD

Cheer up.

Given the amount of clowns around here you’d think it would be more entertaining

Best spot.. 😅

Grass: [grows]

Me: well now, what do you think you’re doing bud? [lawnmower noises]

Me: Which cup do you want?

2-year-old: That one!

Me: Let’s pick a different one.

2-year-old: No!

*drinks milk from a shot glass*