Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

My boyfriend always complains that I never smile, but he’s the one who wanted a serious relationship.

Me: *making table side guacamole*

Priest: Please get off the altar

Me (holding two sticks of butter): now where did i put that stick of butter? hmm i guess i didn’t get one out. hey kiddo could you grab a butter

My Son (also holding two sticks of butter): i just checked the fridge. we’re all out

Hogwarts – a magical school or a pig venereal disease? Inquiring minds wanna know

parents, bringing their problem child to summer camp

Customer Service: “Would you take a minute to fill out this survey?”

Me: “Wouldn’t you rather save that for someone you actually helped?”

Welcome to parenthood. You now see every movie six years after it came out. Except for Disney movies. You see all of those immediately and on repeat.

“My hair is noisy”
“My toe nails are itchy”
“someone peed in my pants”

– A list of my 4 year-old’s 3 a.m. Grievances.

Dentist appointments are so weird. “Hi nice to meet you could you root around in my mouth for a bit?”

Apparently, it’s considered bad form to bring their luggage to the graduation ceremony.

[pulling the casket a few inches away from the wall during a funeral]
sorry just need to plug in my phone for a minute

Just tried to put my seatbelt on.

AT MY DESK.

I’m pretty.

Needs to be a google maps setting where you can ask them not to make you take a left across four lanes of oncoming traffic

trump: ban muslims
jeb bush: i disagree. just like dad would. who used to be president
ben carson: how did spongebob make fire underwater

I would correct your grammar but you don’t use any.

It’s wasteful to have a new Doctor Who, a new James Bond, and a new Willy Wonka. They should be amalgamated into a single character called Doctor Bwonka.

The key to being remembered isn’t delivering some big all encompassing piece of wisdom, my grandpa taught me that pinching the tail of a shrimp helps you get all the meat out and now he briefly lives again each time I go shrimp mode (happens a lot)

Dear cashiers born in the 2000s:
You do not need to raise your eyebrows and mouth “damn” to yourself when you look at the birth year on my ID

I’ve been through a lot in this last month, but by far the most horrific thing to happen to me was broccoli on pizza. Never again.

“Night shift again, Harry?”
“Someone has to patrol the streets.”
“Get you something to eat?”
“How’s the tuna today?”
“Edible.”
“I’ll have a sammich then, Doreen.”
“You got it, hon. Back in a jiffy.”

The “mommy” to “bro” pipeline is a steep and sudden drop.

[in bed]
“No, I’m serious Amy. If this were a buddy cop movie would you try to avenge my murder even after the Chief took your gun & badge?”

Me: Hello, my name is Vikki and I’m an alcoholic.
Operator: Ma’am, this is AAA.
Me: I know. I’m an alcoholic and now my car is in a ditch.

I don’t push people away, I just do the Macarena

HIM: I wanna do bad things with you

ME: Like punching old ladies?

HIM: Uh, no…

ME: Stealing from the donation jar?

HIM: God, no! I mean like-

ME: Stroller tipping?

HIM: You know, never mind.

ME: Taking up two parking spaces?

HIM: Goodbye

ME: Putting habanero juice in-

Not sure of the logistics yet on how to include this in my last will & testament, but I’d like to stage a “coffin flop” for my funeral

“I don’t want to sound ungrateful, Carl, but I think I’ll get the bus to work tomorrow”

I bought wings for my employees today and one of them ate 20 wings and then resigned 20 minutes later. Fair play

A kid came up to me in the grocery store just now and loudly proclaimed, “Kale is my power vegetable! What’s your power vegetable?” I tried to come up with an answer but it was clear that I didn’t have one. They said, “It’s OK. I didn’t find my power vegetable until I was 6.”

I recently took a pole

And found that 100% of the people in the tent were angry when it collapsed