Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

MOM: Story time

ME: Yay!

MOM: it’s called
“The Little Engine that Could, but doesn’t cuz he’s a little shit that won’t move out”

ME: mom?

i could never be hannah montana because i would take one hit of a joint at a party, turn to the person closest to me, and immediately go “i neeeeeeed to tell u something”

Responding to any and all emails with ‘wow ok’

Turns out my superpower is the ability to go into incredible detail in completely the wrong direction.

whenever i watch the tv show Friends, i imagine im the seventh friend, Dirk, who just stays home while all his friends do stuff without him

You said imagine my life without you…

So I closed my eyes & am on a beach with a man who knows how to change a toilet paper roll.

ME AT GYM: mind if I work in?
GUY STANDING AT URINAL: what

Somehow I managed to lock myself out of my laundry room. I don’t know the last time I was this happy.

Preparing myself for a post apocalyptic wasteland by learning how to sleep without the TV on

It took a full year of homeschooling but I managed to teach my children how little I know.

SEXY POTATO: Hey buddy, my eyes are up here, and over here, and down here, and around here and

Someone gave my boyfriend a book about men getting the upper hand in relationships and I told him to let me read it since he knows how much I love fiction

*fart noise*
ME: it was your dog. I swear!
GIRL: my dog died last year you liar
GHOST DOG: theres no way she’s gonna sleep with you now lmao

[1665]
ME:Make it enormous

“But if I paint a red cross on ur door, ppl will think you’ve got the plague & never visit”

ME:Make it enormous

What has three thumbs and just won the lottery?

THIS GUY!

* having won the lottery, I was able to add that third thumb I’ve always wanted

“I’m definitely gonna hit that later tonight!”

– Me pointing out the light pole in the parking lot of the bar.

Interviewer: What’s your greatest strength?
Incredible Hulk:
Int:
Hulk: Is that a trick question?

ME: If I go to bed now, I’ll be rested for the big meeting tomorrow.
INSOMNIA: The world is just waiting for you to start a blog.

the British: we demand to be taken seriously

also the British: I nipped down to Boggy Bottom and split a toad-in-the-hole with Mr Pumblychook

I almost got ran over by joggers. I saved myself by pretending to be a stop light. I got away while they jogged in place.

If a mass murderer on death row ordered a Klondike Bar for his last meal I bet it would explain a lot.

If you listen real closely, you can hear my alarm clock laughing as I set it.

Dad, I’m dating this pillow. It’s called Melanie
“You could do better than this”
You know I’m not good with women
“I was talking to Melanie”

I told the 8 year old that Taylor Swift is apparently dating a football player and she goes “oh man, she’s gonna write a breakup song about how he was just playing games”

(first date)

Her: I love Star Trek

Me: Me too!

Her: What’s your favourite part?

Me: *sweating* uhh when the stars go trekking!

Women wanted him, men wanted to be him, geese were skeptical

I did it! I found the worst thing on the internet. A combination of so much awful.

hell hath no fury like a toddler who lost the chance to push a button

Dudes who flirt on LinkedIn are like “That pickup line really backfired on Tinder so I’m going to try that again and include my entire work history”