What!? You didn’t say crust fund?

*awkwardly gathers pizza crusts*

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I figure soon we will be grounding our children by sending them outside to play


[gf takes pregnancy test, starts crying]

“It’s negative”

Lemme see it

[reads] ‘Not prego. Just fat. And ugly’

Wow that’s really negative


Lady was pissy when I insisted on walking with her to the parking lot, but it was raining and she had an umbrella.


7: Today in school we had to write 4 sentences about what we ate for breakfast his morning.
Me: I forgot to give you breakfast, didn’t I.


Missed connections: I was the guy in the Subaru listening to NPR; You were the river I briefly considered driving into.


To my friends: You smile, I smile, you hurt, I hurt, you cry, I cry, you jump off a bridge. I’m gonna miss your e-mails.


Hot shingles in your area are looking to give your dermatomes a painfully good time!


Nobody looks that great in a mask but if you have gorgeous eyes and jacked-up teeth this could be your moment.


[At the first thanksgiving]
Pilgrims: Im thankful for the land you gave us
Natives: we didnt give you land?
Pilgrims: *winks at the camera*