I figure soon we will be grounding our children by sending them outside to play
What!? You didn’t say crust fund?
*awkwardly gathers pizza crusts*
You Might Also Like
[gf takes pregnancy test, starts crying]
Lemme see it
[reads] ‘Not prego. Just fat. And ugly’
Wow that’s really negative
Lady was pissy when I insisted on walking with her to the parking lot, but it was raining and she had an umbrella.
Ok, but like, how married are you?
7: Today in school we had to write 4 sentences about what we ate for breakfast his morning.
Me: I forgot to give you breakfast, didn’t I.
Missed connections: I was the guy in the Subaru listening to NPR; You were the river I briefly considered driving into.
To my friends: You smile, I smile, you hurt, I hurt, you cry, I cry, you jump off a bridge. I’m gonna miss your e-mails.
Hot shingles in your area are looking to give your dermatomes a painfully good time!
Nobody looks that great in a mask but if you have gorgeous eyes and jacked-up teeth this could be your moment.
[At the first thanksgiving]
Pilgrims: Im thankful for the land you gave us
Natives: we didnt give you land?
Pilgrims: *winks at the camera*