Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Man: I love curvy women

Curvy Woman: has tummy rolls, thighs touch, cellulite

Man: no, not like that

*corporate state run media carnival*
Step right up folks, take your bait!
How low can we go, how low can we go? New lows every day!

I can’t wait for tomorrow when all of the April Fools’ Day chocolate is on sale.

“One of you will betray me” is such a dramatic thing to say at dinner????

Top prank: when your friend falls asleep, place his hand in a bowl of warm water so he wakes up with one regular hand & one wrinkly one.

God: you’re a pack animal.

Wolf: what does that mean?

God: it means you live with other wolves.

Wolf: like all the time?

God: yep!

Wolf: d-do I have to?

God:

Wolf:

God:

Wolf: [slides $20 across table].

God: [pockets money] you’re a lone wolf.

Wolf: yay : )

God: where’s your horn
Unicorn: i sold it for drugs
God: throw this fucken horse in jail

–the invention of zebras

What Nasa dont want you to know is those space suits they wear, those are actually bee keepers outfits.
Space is full of bees.
The moon is actually a giant hive, its where we get like 95% of our honey from. Check that moon landing footage again, its not grainy, thats a swarm.

if someone is yelling at you, put a smoothie in their hand. it’s hard to be intimidated by someone holding a smoothie.

Psychiatrist:
“Tell me about your kids.”

Me:
“Total disappointments.”

Psychiatrist:
“I still think this is a conflict of interest, Dad.”

“Hello, can I speak to Mr Featherstonehaugh please?”
“How are you pronouncing that?”
“It doesn’t matter, this is a written joke”

*first date
(Me, texting) This is awful. She’s boring, has no sense of humor & rude
Her: You know you speak out loud when you text, right?

He was a t8er boi. My little potato boi

Me: What’s the word for a female scientist?

Him: A scientist?

Me: No, a ‘ResearcHER,’ Haha get it?

Him: I get that we’re never going on a second date

My charm is that I break people down over time; like waterboarding or marriage.

Me: [driving into a parking garage]

Wife: why are you ducking your head?

Me: the ceiling is super low, I don’t want the car to scrape it.

Wife:

Me:

Wife: that’s fair.

Are you guys ready for tomorrow??? It’s gonna be a HUGE day. I hope you’re prepared. I love taco Tuesdays. Gonna eat so many.

I packed 8 pairs of underwear for a 4 day trip to Vegas. I don’t know what kind of trip I think I’m gonna have but fingers crossed I have it!

If you bring A TREE into the house, it must be climbed. Why are you so upset? You’re not being logical.

—cats in Christmas trees

Sometimes I drink too much coffee and chase the Amazon guy around the neighborhood

i like how ppl mess with ouija boards then are all like omg why are demons trying to eat my soul like you did this to yourself bro.

Last year I had no valentine, this year I also have no valentine. Consistency 🙏🏾

I like to put powdered sugar around my nose before Zoom meetings

I just accidentally ordered a $300 bottle of wine on this cruise and now my wife is thinking of throwing me overboa

Glad I spent 40 minutes getting my 1 year old dressed so she could go outside for 3 seconds.

If you don’t know what to say, people absolutely love talking about potatoes

Wife: “There’s this new show on Max, or Apple, or Prime. I can’t remember, but we should watch it.”
Me: “What’s it called?”W: “ummmm”
Me: “What’s it about?”
W: “I don’t remember, but it looked like something I would like.”

In high school, I was voted Most Likely To Keep Bringing Up Past Achievements.

Don’t be jealous but my daughter just told me a 95 minute story about a cough drop.

Much like lasagna, I’m just held together by cheese at this point