“WHAT?! YOU NEVER TOLD ME!”
– My 7yo, hearing he has a middle name for the millionth time.
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What kind of losers are sitting home and tweeting on a Friday night?!?!
Oh, wait…never mind.
[visiting southern France]
Me: This is Nice
Wife: It’s pronounced Nice
Me: I said Nice
Wife: No, you said Nice
Me: Nice
Wife: Nice
*69 minutes later*
Me: Niiiiiiice
[Wedding day]
Bride: *coming down the aisle* WTF? You’re wearing the same dress as me!?!?
Me: Well THIS is awkward
Priest: *in same dress* Ok. One of us has to change
My friend has canceled our lunch plans three days in a row. I’m starting to think she really doesn’t like lunch.
The way I act when I have to line my wheel up at the car wash you would think I’m trying to land a 747 on a tightrope.
In RL I’m a car salesman. Which means its my job to know how many bodies fit in the trunk of a car officer. This is all work related.
[on a 1st date]
Me: I’m just looking to take things slow
Her: *in a wedding dress* me too
being able to sleep 8 hours straight is also wasted on children. for what? what do you have to do tomorrow? if i don’t get enough sleep tonight, i might get fired
marry someone u only kinda like so if u get a divorce it won’t be that bad
If a duckling is a baby duck, I don’t want to eat dumplings.
A sleeve of Oreos each night will whiten your teeth. Everyone knows this
*first day as a cloning scientist
*first day as a cloning scientist
*first day as a cloning scientist
*first day as a cloning scientist
*first day as a cloning scientist
Nothing like sitting on a chair at your kid’s school to inspire you to never eat cookies again.
She told me she’d do anything for 20 bucks. Guess who just got his Mustang washed.
Ever since I was a little kid I knew that I wanted to be late for work
[working at zoo]
“Are you the idiot who fed peanuts to the panda?! They don’t eat nuts!”
– They’re legumes
“They’re mammals”
– What?
“What?”
sugar daddy: I’m gonna spoil you
salt daddy: I’m gonna preserve you
My life is just like the Friends theme song if you take out all the references to having friends.
If I could have dinner with anyone, alive or dead, no question, I would want to be alive.
*brings a knife to a knife fight, because I read the instructions*
Damn girl are you the sun because you need to stay 92,960,000 miles away from me.
I make up cringe corporate sayings in Teams meetings to see if they catch on. I felt a great sense of achievement when my boss remarked about a client wanting a sub-standard product “if the ducks want bread, give them bread”. I had forgotten about that one.
The fact touche and douche don’t rhyme bothers me.
Me: You’re going to disagree with this statement.
Wife: No I’m not.
That’s enough internet for the day
Mom, remember we used to eat donuts?
-my 3 yo, 1 hour after eating a donut
*kidnapping Beyoncé* got your Knowles
Oh, you’re an early riser?
Yes.
Have kids?
No.
A farm?
No.
Insomnia?
No.
Medical condition?
No.
Psycho.
must be a load-bearing face plate. don’t want it coming loose.
“I’m hungry” Fridge: “I got nothin.” Cabinet: “Bitch, don’t look at me.” Freezer: “LOL. You like ice?”