Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

doctor: [pulling out anal beads]
me: this is embarrassing
doctor: sorry I should have done it before you arrived

Mice were invented in 1867 to help control the cheese population.

Are we sure this new planet isn’t just Pluto wearing a wig?

Do you know what I’ve learned after 59 years of living on this planet?

Your culinary experience improves once you realize your smoke alarm isn’t a cooking timer.

Apparently telling the kids that you’re not in the mood for their shit does not improve their behavior, but it does teach your toddler how to say shit.

JOB INTERVIEWER: Where do you see yourself in 5 years?

MARTY MCFLY: I literally have no idea.

Toe: He just banged me into his dresser. Should I give him the most intense surge of pain he’ll ever experience?
Brain: Wait 2 seconds.

Judging by this sunburn, I’d say the sunscreen I lathered on earlier was SPF goddamn liar.

If uneven eyeliner ever becomes a trend, I am golden.

Back in my day, it was a game of dodge ball where you found out who didn’t like you.

Pretty sure nobody would run marathons if they were never allowed to talk about running marathons.

it kind of looks like someone just took away their laptop

I was gonna do a tweet about Albert Einstein’s IQ but I couldn’t get it under 140.

[At maternity ward]
Me: is this where babies are delivered
Nurse: Yes
Me: You ought to be ashamed. Babies need their livers

so proud of america. only 8 years after electing first black pres, we’re considering electing our first orange one

My 7YO was coloring in her room on her desk, now I’m wiping off the paint from every part of the house

Before marriage: fantasizes spending life together.

After marriage: fantasizes spending life insurance alone.

If you’re testing me, we failed.

My wife just told me 11 more things I do wrong after she said she wasn’t talking to me anymore.

Just vacuumed my couch and found 16 bobby pins, 84 cents, 3 kinds of cereal, a spoon and a live hedgehog.

Got bucked off my high horse. Now I only have contusions of grandeur.

Dang you got a good deal on your tattoo and the squirrel’s so realistic. What? A portrait of your Mom? Dude I wish my Mom was a squirrel.

Your stomach probably thinks all potatoes are mashed

For my birthday all I want is for folks to strengthen friendships with old friends cus I’ve lost quite a few in the last few years and that saddens me. Also maybe a Camaro.

[after an argument]

me: *scribbling on a paper*

him: what’s that? what are you writing?

me: *filing it alphabetically in a box marked “People Who’ve Wronged Me”* oh nothing

you can lead a squid to water but you can’t make it ink

“We’re going to a school presentation tonight, ok?”

My kid: “I love presents.”

I’m sick of people not taking me seriously *Throws jester hat down in disgust*