Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Police: We’d like u to come with us to answer some questions about ur husband’s disappearance.

Mrs. Potato Head eating french fries: why?

titanic

wife: I’m leaving you

me: is it because of my hobby?

wife: yes

me: but on friday february 8th 2018 at 8:17 pm I asked “Is it ok if I became a stenographer” to which you replied “thats fine” to which I replied “great” to which you replied “wait are you typing this right now?”

[blind date]

HER: I recently found Jesus

ME {trying to keep the conversation going}: Where was he?

[best read with a French accent]

“I am so very sorry sir, without a reservation, there is simply nothing I can do for you.”

DOCTOR: We were all out of blood for your transfusion so we used Mountain Dew
ME: [I don’t hear bc I already snowboarded out the window]

911,What’s your emergency?

Me: I think it’s a heart attack

911: Can you call back when you’re sure, we’re watching Walking Dead

Ive started investing in stocks… Mainly beef, chicken and vegetables. One day I hope to be a bouillonaire.

The Mayfly has the shortest lifespan of any animal, at a mere 24 hours. Fortunately the drinking age for Mayflies is 45 minutes, so it makes for a pretty awesome day.

Who needs clocks when my dog’s digestive system can nail time with pinpoint accuracy

Penguins can’t fly either but pigs are the ones who got famous for their inadequacies

this is the kind of chaos i demand from a pharmacy

Dear Abby,

I never thought this would happen to me. Today I met a sexy woman who told me I write letters to the wrong publication.

I’ll never get picked for jury duty because I’d be the one on trial…..

DOCTOR: How often do you exercise?
ME: 3 times
DOCTOR: A week? A month?
ME: I have given my answer

My parents encouraged our interest in the performing arts by telling my sister and me to act like we had some sense when we were in public.

Me: “How much for your top of the line masturbation chamber?” Sales person: “You mean the shower stall?”

A five year old girl is headed to
the National Spelling Bee finals.

And I just had to use autocorrect
to spell “embarrassed”

I’m so emb-

Co Worker: I’m a workaholic.

Me: Oh. My. God. He’s been drinking Workahol!!

It turns out if you balance your checkbook when you’re drunk you have a lot more money.

It’s amazing that whales have evolved to live for over 700 years and humans have evolved to spread misinformation online! Nature’s wonders!

You think you’re your own worst critic? Just wait till you have kids

My boss tasked us with finding new and inventive ways to be productive while we work from home. So I tied a piece of string to my mouse and pull it every few minutes to keep my computer from going idle while I nap on the couch. I’ve never been more “productive” in my life.

Me: “Can I put this sweatshirt in the dryer?”
Wife: “Well, what does it say on it?”
Me: “Buffalo Sabres.”
Wife: “You’re an idiot”

People be like “do what makes you happy” and then complain when I’m drunk again

*notices my tinder match has “catholic” in their bio*
me: so how long have u been addicted to cats

*grandpa walks in with a bearded man in a plaid shirt & skinny jeans*
“uhh grandpa who’s that?”
“my hip replacement”

If you ever feel stupid just know that I once cried bc I thought I ran over a crow but it was just a black work glove that was already dead.

me: my parents aren’t home

911: we can’t help you with your capri sun straw

I feel bad when a fly gets into my house. I know that little guy is starving cause I ate and left no crumbs