Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I was playing outside with my kids and I tried to jump over something because I forgot I’m 40 anyways who wants to sign my cast?

94% of tea drinking is just waiting for it to cool down

ordered a few pizzas for dinner online, but i forgot to click the “later” setting, so now we’re having dinner at 1:50pm.

Dear Couples Who Fight In Public, stop trying to whisper and would it kill you to include some backstory.

I hope to one day be as happy as my dad when he puts his car in reverse and says “ah, this takes me back”

*starts GoFundMe campaign to buy a soft drink at the movies*

when someone calls you and you miss the call but you call them back literally one second later and they don’t answer. what’s going on there. did you drop your telephone in a well. did you get axe murdered.

You can’t rush stupid.

Celebrating President’s Day by not doing anything I promised I would

“Not Waldo, Not Waldo, Not Waldo, Not Waldo, Not Waldo, Not Waldo, Not Waldo, Not Waldo, Waldo, Not Waldo”–Where’s Waldo Audiobook

My last name is Zilla.

Home is where your toilet is.

The doctor said to treat my daughter’s scratch with alcohol, so I kissed it.

My son has about 12 seconds to learn patience.

Jeff is here!
“Jeff from work or Jeff the guy who announces his arrival anytime he enters a room”
Jeff is here!

Fell on the stairs and I’m happy to report that my dog immediately came to rescue… the empty can of cat food in my hand.

Gramps: *on deathbed* I feel like Im forgetting someth- *dies*

[2 yrs later]
Me: *knocking water outta my ears*

*quarter falls out*

My wife: *catches me in bed with a Transformer*
Me: Wait! It’s not what it looks like!

If I remove any clothing at all, the man thinks it’s sexy time, so now I just step into the shower fully dressed.

The cat seems really pissed off. He must have only had 22 hours sleep.

Caesar: You will be forced to fight to the death

Gladiator: Hell yeah

Madiator: well this is bullshit

It’s not condescending if they’re stupid.

[at pet store]

Im looking for something cheap and will get people to stop coming over.

{confused hamster}

*looks around cage*
“Ummmm where’d my wheel go??”

[Jesus’ voice booms from the heavens]
I WAS TOLD TO TAKE IT

You know that one relative that is annoying AF and no one in the family can tolerate?

Yeah, she’s staying at my house this week.

me: I’d wait a lifetime for you

also me: 5 seconds till I can skip the add ? that’s some bullshit right there

My kids refused to eat the leftover tacos.

My wife said to throw them out.
So I did.

Now I don’t know what to do with the tacos….

me: why does my back hurt

also me:

[Weather Channel Secret Memo]

To technical crews:

If blizzard doesn’t reach predicted intensity, shoot all exteriors through snow-globes.

Who the friggin hell buys a cat? There are cats everywhere. You just let one into your home and it becomes your cat.