What you want every COVID-19 email to be like: Don’t worry! If you’re having trouble paying right now, we understand.
What every COVID-19 email is actually like: Don’t worry! There will always be someone at our call center to take your timely monthly payments.
If reports from this daisy are accurate, she loves me not.
Let’s send Sarah out into a swamp in a dress.
– news stations
Please, sir. Your gold chain is too arousing.
Some days I feel like my life is going super well, & then I get my hair caught in my umbrella.
And also my car door.
I just listened to a guy try to pick up a girl buy using “I can climb ANY tree, I mean ANY tree” and I think dating may have changed a lot since I was in the game.
Maybe Van Gogh cut his ear off because someone traveled back in time and whispered a Drake song in it.
Oh to be a house cat and simply slap the shit out of anything in front of me that I do not understand
A mattress will double in weight after six years, just like everything else I sleep with!
if i ever got married i would use the reception as an opportunity to just play every song i’ve ever liked. no theme, no vibe. just me being like “omg i love this one” for two hours
RIP Ronaldo’s Moth. The world’s most famous footballing insect has died after a long and illustrious career. He was 6 weeks old.
This kid is being so annoying at the playdate, I called his mom, but she won’t come pick him up..
She says it’s ‘my husband, my problem’ ugh
me: I’m doing marathon training
friend: that can really help you in the long run
me: I know what it’s for
I think tomorrow I’m going to respond to everyone using only lyrics from songs by The Dead Deads. Wish me some luck at the DMV.
Guessing they were Navy Seals in a past life
Bringing back the word zoinks but only for when someone shows me their baby.
I’ve been told I can be a bit condescending. That means I talk down to people.
⛄️
me: I need to learn about clams
librarian: you can find them under C
me: I need to learn more than that
me: I’m unable to stop making jokes
doctor: you can’t be serious
me: that’s right
Crap. I accidentally pulled up Instagram instead of Instacart. Now it’s 2 hours later and I have no groceries for Sunday prep but I know where Rihanna bought her hoop earrings and I have 20 cute pumpkin pics saved.
Why are coroners in movies always eating sandwiches? Anyway… Good Morning.
The barista can’t deal with the man’s ‘Don’t talk to me until I’ve had my coffee’ shirt.
Her mouth opens, then closes.
The line grows.
You undercook one turkey, and suddenly Thanksgiving can’t be at your house anymore.
-me giving holiday hosting advice
One minute you’re young and fun and the next, you need a tow out of a beanbag chair.
[in front of fire]
DATE: I’m still kinda cold *she looks at my jacket*
ME: Oh! Yeah *I take off jacket & throw it in fire* That oughta do it
You can’t run a country like a business. If you did, you’d have to pay profits to investors, meaning citizens. And that’s socialism! Bye!
Six feet under.
– Yoda, explaining why he was turned away from riding the roller coaster
