What you want every COVID-19 email to be like: Don’t worry! If you’re having trouble paying right now, we understand.
What every COVID-19 email is actually like: Don’t worry! There will always be someone at our call center to take your timely monthly payments.
person walking by my house:
my dog: I’ve killed people for less
I reached for my bagel at a weird angle and now I need a chiropractor.
Seeing my kids getting along, laughing, and peacefully playing together is the best fourteen seconds of my day.
There are two types of children: those that get up in the middle of the night, and those who get up way too early. And they’re siblings.
I just sighed so loud that my neighbor texted me, “What’s wrong?”
I can easily control the weather.
– buy a new $600 snowblower: no snow all winter
– spend $2000 on new gutters: severe drought
– buy steaks to grill outside: Sharknado
There is a disturbing amount of product placement in my dreams.
Some people just want to watch the world bake at 350° for 45 minutes.
me: so you know when you lie on a resume and then you get the job and you’re just like, “I know how to do literally none of this”?
copilot: you’re leaning on the intercom.
dad: you losing weight
me: are you asking me bc i look skinnier or because i changed my diet
dad: yes
Verizon: your online bill is ready
Me: ok. for what
DOG: Then he said “Who’s a good boy?”
DOG THERAPIST: *nodding* You are of course
DOG: *wagging tail* I KNOW BUT WHY DOES HE KEEP ASKING?
Waits for the worst possible time to tell you that they have to pee…
~Kids
[edison inventing lightbulb]
[match appears over his head]
I have an idea
Listen, when there’s a global outage of computer services and my workplace is entirely unaffected, it’s just really really unfair to me.
If you think I’m flirting with you, I’m just being friendly. If you think I’m weird and I make you uncomfortable, I’m flirting with you.
5 year old: can you breathe on the moon?
me: no, there’s no oxygen
5 year old: what if you had an oxygen tank?
me: then yes
5 year old: what if the oxygen tank was empty?
me: then no
5 year old: what if you refilled it with oxygen?
me: is someone paying you to do this?
some women wear fake wedding rings in public so they don’t get hit on but I swear by my floor-length victorian widow’s veil
every Crock-Pot recipe:
– add anything in the house
– cook 3-19 hours on low
“I don’t buy flowers for girls because they die” yeah well so do the flowers
Sure I could kill you with kindness, but let’s see what else is lying around first.
Most dead bodies are found by dog walkers or joggers.
Working theory: Dog walkers and joggers are serial killers.
Sometimes I wear my panties over my skinny jeans so I feel like a sexy superhero. And so strangers won’t talk to me at the grocery store.
Toddler: I want toast
Me to husband: I don’t want to give her toast
Husband: just tell her she already ate it
Me: you already ate your toast
Toddler: *eyes narrow*
Husband: you said it was yummy
Toddler: *walks away*
If I ran a yoga class, I’d make up new names for all the poses.
Alright, we’ll start with The Wandering Kneecap, then move onto Downward-Facing Drunk, and then The Greasy Weasel.
Never eat anything Mario cooks for you. Dude runs around in sewer pipes all day and never washes his hands
I was makin out with a cute girl but it got ruined when she ran her hand up my leg and squeezed all the spaghetti out of my pocket
This family attached a microphone to their 4 year old and the result was adorable ❤️
I opened Facebook by mistake, it appears I’ve missed 738 birthdays because I haven’t been on for over 2 years 😳
