Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I know “hate” is a strong word but there’s really no other way to describe my feelings for people getting cars for Christmas in tv commercials

Son: Dad, you work so hard and never get any credit. You’re like a superhero!
Dad: Nice try. You’re still not getting the Internet password.

Cop: Tell me your alibi for last night, or you’re going to prison

Me (watched Fight Club with Voldemort): oh no

“I’m a copy-editor”
– boring
– who cares
– what does that even mean

“I am here to right what has gone wrong”
– mysterious
– ominous
– maybe you have a sword

Scientists use dead bodies? Jesus, I know they’re nerds but they should still be able to make living friends.

Uber is great because it gives me an opportunity to talk down to people that have nicer cars than me.

I bought “extra whitening” toothpaste and now my teeth are spending a year in Korea teaching English

Led Zeppelin: And she’s buying a stairway to Heaven…when she gets-

My wife: HOLD ON I HAVE A COUPON

I almost wish the guy I’m stalking would find me and call the cops. These bushes are scratchy and my legs are cramping.

[ asteroid approaching earth ]

me: *slapping baseball mitt*

Remember candidates for class president making promises for things they would have no power to implement? Just like real presidential candidates.

i love diet soda i don’t care if it gave rats tumours i’m way bigger and stronger than a rat

*renames my kids South and East, and leaves them on Kanye’s doorstep*

Me: the most important thing when wearing a mask is that it covers your mouth and nostrils

Batman: oh no

I’m suppose to give my wife an injection today but she’s worried cuz she’s seen my many struggles with Capri Sun straws.

“my therapist actually told me im right and you’re wrong” oh really? your therapist who you pay $300 an hour, who only heard your side of the story, told you you’re right?

NEW PARENTS: if your baby is still in diapers, make things simpler and safer by never having chocolate pudding in the house

My 5yo asked me where his shoes were and when I told him I didn’t know he told me “that’s not a good enough answer daddy” so where is he keeping all that audacity?

I had to dig my first 3ft hole with a shovel that took hours just to plant a tree so I can indeed confirm I would never be able to bury a body.

SON: Can horses run in the Olympics?

DAD: Wouldn’t be fair

SON: Why not?

DAD: [hand on son’s shoulder]
Usain Bolt is just too fast, buddy

Quit making fun of my barbed wire tattoo literally no one has even tried climbing over my arm since I got it.

He looks like he’s got a lot to say

Wife: Give me $50

Me: Can’t, it’s all tied up in our long-term investment strategy

W: Eh?

M: Gave it all to a psychic for next week’s winning lottery numbers

W: IDIOT

M: Knew she was good, that’s exactly what she predicted you’d say!

W: I despise you

My kids, writing negative political ads:

Mommy. She says Maybe but it is always going to be No.

Mommy. She says to eat fruit but she smells of chocolate.

Mommy. She says we don’t say those words but then she watches the news and she says all of them.

People complain about jury duty as if listening to true crime all day and being sequestered at night isn’t secretly every mother’s fantasy.

Robber: If you ever want to see your family again do exactly as I say. Now hand me that bag!

Me: *sets bag on fire*

Using “whom” incorrectly at a party I wasn’t invited to

Deleting contacts from my phone is like getting rid of jeans that I delusionally think I’ll be able to fit again–

–what if I need to call my old Dairy Queen manager from high school about an important life dilemma? What if?!

I have achieved immortality.
I found a mysterious lamp and sure enough there was a genie inside.

I wished that I won’t die a virgin.