What? You want to show me pictures of fireworks? That you took all by yourself? Hold on.
*drops acid*
Ok, go.
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Fair play to the crow who visits the roof outside my window first thing each morning, and whose cawing has the exact pitch and rhythm as the reversing alert on the recycling lorry, sending me into a blind panic that I’ve forgotten to put the bins out.
“Girl, same.”
– Midwife, handing a mother the second of her newborn identical twins.
Whether it’s oversharing with cashiers, feeding stray animals or making paper dolls with celebrity faces we all have our way of coping with loneliness. The important thing is not to get carried away and start a podcast
My boss gave me an assignment and told me to “give it the old college try”, so now I’m skipping class and doing a keg stand.
That depressing moment you thought a hot chick was checking you out in the beer aisle but only to find out she was just a cardboard cutout.
Dress for the job you want, not the job you have. Better yet, dress for jobs that don’t even exist. Werewolf psychiatrist. Clown assassin.
*spelling bee*
“Your word is disaster.”
“Can you use it in a sentence?”
“That outfit you’re wearing looks like a natural disaster.”
a woman just ran through the coffeeshop yelling “HELP! I NEED A HIGHLIGHTER! HELP HELP I NEED A HIGHLIGHTER” and I want to trade problems with her
You can’t just ask me why it takes me so long to get ready, would you tell Medusa to comb her snakes faster
Is that a banana in your pocket because to be honest my potassium is really low and
*Flicks cigarette after a long drag* Here’s the thing. If Santa knows when kids are naughty or nice then he knew Rudolph was being bullied
If you press this button, you will get a piece of cheesecake but one person on earth will die so-
*me already pressing button* sorry, what?
Just texted her “thanks for choking on me” I meant “checking” but kinda curious what the response is gonna be.
*Meeting GF parents*
What are your intentions with our daughter?
Uh I need someone to sing the girl parts of Grease songs with me
Rachel Ray now makes cat food with real beef just like the cows my cat would eat in the wild.
Whoever said “time heals all wounds” deserves a swift kick in the teeth.
Shall I compare thee to a wooly worm?
Thou art more fuzzy and more ravenous
Was putting away laundry and spotted this betrayal in my wife’s closet. Troubling times my friends, troubling times.
[Commercial for lawnmowers]
[Exhausted looking guy stood in his garden]
*Stabs a long sword into the grass*
“There has to be a better way”
If alcohol has calories and calories are energy then cocktails are energy drinks
JERY: Maybe you can just go back
TERESA MAY: go back ?
JERY: Ya. pretend brexit never happened.
MAY: you mean just walk into the EU meeting on Monday morning like it never hapened?
JERY: Sure. People dont take england seriously
When the machines become self aware their first order of business will be changing our perception of how robots dance.
If both kids are screaming….
….both kids are alive.
It’s science
Dating tip:
If she says she’s into beards, don’t compliment hers.
If my ex had an autobiography it would be called “Mein Cramps”
What, did you NOT SEE that one coming?
I don’t know which meme to get my news from today
Officer: do you know why I pulled you over
Me: the warrant probably
Officer: you have a broken- what
Me: what
Should we be concerned about where Home Depot keeps getting these 12 foot skeletons?
If your opponent cracks his knuckles before a fight, have comfort knowing that osteoarthritis will, in due time, avenge your savage beating.