What young people don’t realize is that in 2014 everything was Nutella. Breakfast was Nutella, snacks were Nutella, dessert was Nutella. I couldn’t go to class because my bike was Nutella. My buddy’s dad was Nutella.
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A haunted house but it’s just me walking from room to room to see the mass destruction that occurred when I left my kids alone for 5 min to take a shower.
It’s impossible for TWO dudes to ride ONE motorcycle without it looking romantic…
[assigning roles]
god: the sun shall fuel all life on earth
sun: sounds good
god: and the moon shall make tiny waves and werewolves
moon: hell yes
WIFE: Oh darn I have a loose thread on my sweater.
ME: (waiting for the right time to tell her I bought a sword) Allow me m’ lady.
Them: you have an attitude problem
Me: it’s not a problem… I like it
Wow! It’s hard to believe summer is just around the corner and that seasons have corners.
not just anyone can be cremated. you have to urn it
BUZZ LIGHTYEAR: To infinity and beyond!
ME: Nothing is beyond infinity, I demand realism in my talking toy movie
I just witnessed an employee choking on her noodles and now I feel sorry for her husband.
The glove snap before the prostate exam isn’t necessary. We just do that to mess with you.
Got fired from my job at the candy heart factory. Apparently “You’ll Do” isn’t romantic.
*catches son swearing through sign language*
“We don’t use that language in this house”
*hands him hand sanitizer*
“You know what to do”
Because I’m a loving wife I got my husband some chocolates for Valentine’s Day and because I’m his wife I ate all of them.
My daughter woke me up at 5 am to urgently tell me “any balloon spongebob blows up is technically a water balloon” & I have not been able to fall back asleep
Movies lied to me as a kid. Not once have I stumbled across a plot to steal nuclear launch codes
I told my doctor I broke my leg in two places. He said I should prolly not go to those places anymore.
[Invention of the universal remote]
“This changes everything.”
I still giggle when i get in an Elevator and someone asks me “Going Down? ” as i am so tempted to say to them “Buy me dinner first”.
If Planet Fitness didn’t want me eating a turkey leg on the stairmaster then they shouldn’t call it a “Judgment free” zone.
ME: These frog testicles are delicious!
GIRLFRIEND: Those are peas.
just got a JetBlue email saying i can fly the plane if i book now
Me: So I punch them in the chest but then I’m supposed to feel bad about it and kiss them? Worst self defense class ever.
Instructor: ok yeah, so this is actually a CPR class.
Life is a highway: Too many cars, not enough bathrooms
HIM: ”License and registration.”
ME: *slides him fish*
HIM: …
ME: *slides him another fish*
HIM: “Have a good day, sir.”
i can’t believe my little brother is a father we used to have to hide beans in the higher up cabinets so he wouldn’t shove them up his nose
[My first day as a garbageman]
Text from wife: You forgot to take out the trash.
Me: Goddammit
when you miss someone’s call by one second and immediately call back and they don’t answer. what’s going on there. did your telephone explode. did you fall into a chasm
Long job application should let me clock in to finish them
[job interview]
BOSS: Describe yourself
ME: Can’t you see me?
unless you’re ryan reynolds driving a taco truck, i ain’t chasing shit