What young people don’t realize is that in 2014 everything was Nutella. Breakfast was Nutella, snacks were Nutella, dessert was Nutella. I couldn’t go to class because my bike was Nutella. My buddy’s dad was Nutella.
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my favorite coworker in meetings:
2019: whoever brings snacks
2020: whoever offers to take notes
2021: whoever cancels the meeting
NO…I don’t “make plans” because plans suggest INTENT…
…which is typically the distinction between second & first degree convictions.
“Disney movies promote false images of the friendliness of woodland creatures,” I mutter after each rabies shot.
I socially identify as the guy who tried to jump off of the sinking Titanic but ending up hitting a massive propeller on the way down.
*pounding on her chest*
DON’T DIE ON ME KAREN!
*pounds harder*
(sobbing) BREATHE DAMMIT!
CPR instructor: Ok, so that was wrong.
[on date]
Him: Honesty is very important. Be upfront about things. We have to trust each other. It’s how love works.
Me: I’m Batman.
Him- All of your fantasies include me, right?
*imagines flying on a Pegasus with Thor*
H- Are you waving at the ground?
Me-Yes to both
I’d be fine with a ghost in the house if the object it moved around was the vacuum.
The first 8-10 hours after I wake up are the roughest.
Our family’s sole contribution to evolution is a diminished sense of smell.
*waits for someone to have sex with me so I can use the ‘sex with me is like’ joke format*
Any movie can be a Christmas movie if you eat 37 sugar cookies while watching.
Clean tweeting is liberating. You don’t need profanity to make a point. Look:
Tell her she has beautiful eyes. Female dogs love that poopy.
Wife: There is something wrong with you
Me: What a thing to say just before our dog’s first salsa lesson
Maybe my grandma stayed married for 50 yrs because she never said stuff like “I just wish he would support me, you know, creatively.”
No Olympian will ever be better at medaling than the gang on Scooby Doo.
The Masters would be a lot more interesting if there were starving alligators roaming through out the golf course.
Police officer is visiting my kid’s school.
Officer: So when things go bad, who you gonna call?
My son: *raises his hand*
Officer: Yes?
My son: Ghostbusters.
Guy trying to flirt with me: I just can’t understand how someone like you doesn’t have a boyfriend.
Me: Here, does this help?
*turns and walks away*
The first time God made the universe, he skipped leg day. All men were weeping creatures, who ended in bloody torsos and begged for death.
Apparently hitting a butterfly with my car is “not a valid reason to call 911” and I “need to grow up”
I think the hot dog eating competition should award me extra points for not blinking during the event.
Any jar is a swear jar when the lid won’t open.
Ran down the stairs without a bra on and my husband thought I was clapping. I was not. I was not clapping.
Elba: Bond. James Bond.
Villain: yeah but where are you ACTUALLY from though?
girlfriend: at my house we call pop soda
me: weird but ok
her dad: *opens door* hello
me: hello soda
Witnessing me making friendly small talk with a new mom at drop-off this morning, my son:
“Mommy why do you keep laughing at things that aren’t funny?”
Good news: Your wit is really mind-blowing
Bad news: It’s not my mind that I want blown
Might quit my job and become a content creator and live off the royalties for the next 19 seconds.
The guy two cubes down wears vests, curls his mustache, and never says a word. I always smile politely because maybe he’ll spare my life.