What young people don’t realize is that in 2014 everything was Nutella. Breakfast was Nutella, snacks were Nutella, dessert was Nutella. I couldn’t go to class because my bike was Nutella. My buddy’s dad was Nutella.
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Oceans 11? When I went to school there were just 5
[red carpet] “So Ryan, who are u with tonight?”
Ryan Gosling [proudly] “My parents”
[two geese in black tie nervously shuffle to his side]
I was feeling really festive watching the fireplace channel on tv, until I got confused and tried to throw another log in there.
“Yay Springtime” I say to the wasps busily building their nest on my patio.
BABY BOSS: we need to talk about your work ethic
ME: *covers face with hands*
BABY BOSS: oh guess he’s out for lunch. I’ll talk to him later
HARRY JR: what do you see in the mirror of desire, papa
HARRY SR: well if i look closely i see you mowing the lawn this morning like i asked
Dating as an adult is hard because even when you do meet somebody you like there are very few opportunities to engineer a situation so that you’re cast opposite one another in a school play.
It’s that time of year again when I should really check in on my friends with pools or boats to see how they’ve been since last summer.
I use a wheelchair. I carry a copy of a Stephen King book about a murderous clown. I just roll with IT.
If the future is now, then how come the pizza I’m gonna order later isn’t here yet?
If I got a Roomba it would take one look around, grab it’s things, and walk out the front door muttering something about impossible working conditions
Nobody likes failing a CAPTCHA but you don’t need to worry if you’re really a robot unless you notice more than the normal amount of springs and gears in your poop.
Accidentally ruined my 9yo’s entire life because I said “toilet” too loud in a public place.
[man who won the lottery]: here’s why i think buying lottery tickets is the future of finance 👇🧵
holy crap!! when I said “take care of them” I meant snacks & drinks
Me: *looking in my closet* I have nothing to wear
Murderer: *cramped inside* agree to disagree
I went to the doctor because I have been hearing voices nonstop.
Apparently they are called children.
Friend looking at my legs: did you get a spray tan?
Me: oh, no. I just wiped my greasy hands off on my legs after eating a whole bag of chips.
5: wow, you look so pretty
Me: thank yo—
5: with your sunglasses on
Me: am I pretty without them?
*UNCOMFORTABLY LONG PAUSE*
5: sure
Honk if you are possessed by the vengeful spirit of a goose
We have 25 people coming over tomorrow for a bbq. 6 moms. 6 dads. 13 toddlers under the age of 4. My husband said if I took our girls out today that he’d ‘get the house ready.’ What did he clean in the 2 hours we were gone? The top of the fridge. He cleans the TOP OF THE FRIDGE.
Before arbys gets sucked into the sun with the rest of the earth and everything you’ve ever known or loved, please come eat some of our crap
One of the World’s Strongest Man events should be “Pulling apart two shopping carts that are stuck together.”
“WHAT ARE YOU KIDS DOING IN THERE?”
*stomps feet to pretend I’m going towards that room*
ME: i have a cold
WIFE: for the last time it’s called an ice cube
If you’re not feeling the love from your kids, schedule a night out. As soon as you tell them a babysitter is coming they’ll suddenly remember they can’t live without you
Me: Donuts can cure a brain tumor.
Friend: But you don’t have a brain tumor…
Me: [ taking a bite of a donut ]
…EXACTLY.
You’re ugly for a reason: God is challenging you to get girls on hard mode. #motivationalmike