What young people don’t realize is that in 2014 everything was Nutella. Breakfast was Nutella, snacks were Nutella, dessert was Nutella. I couldn’t go to class because my bike was Nutella. My buddy’s dad was Nutella.
You Might Also Like
Growing up I really thought piranhas would have been a bigger problem in my life.
Can’t, The Thundercats need me.
Be romantic. Send her a dozen of red flags 🤨
“i want a liquid in my mouth but i want it to arrive in a tiny tunnel” – inventor of the straw
This meal prepping shit easy
Her: See ya later alligator!
Me: *slithers into swamp*
My kid just said good nightmare instead of goodnight, so no, I will not be sleeping this evening.
i’m at the bar pushing pint glasses off the edge like a cat until the bartender sprays me with a water bottle
HER: why do you hate every single Hugh Grant movie?
ME: i love love actually actually
The government is dysfunctional and needs to be fixed I’ll probably fall in love with it any minute
My husband loves to role play Sexy Star Wars in bed.
Maybe one day I’ll get to wear the golden bikini.
How normal people flirt…”Hey Sexy*
How I flirt …If you were a tree you’d be a great tree
laundry day is my favorite day of the week. that’s why I dress for it every day.
Whoa. Wait a minute.
So those stick figures on your car aren’t for pedestrians you ran over?
Damn it!
*starts scraping off her stickers*
I asked a millennial why she spent so much money on her wedding. She said you only get married once, then I laughed and laughed.
Surgeon: I’ll be taking out your appendix today
Me: [stomach rumbles]
Surgeon: [puts stethoscope to my tummy]
Appendix: I have a boyfriend
I hate it when I want wine and the wine home delivery man hasn’t been invented yet.
People: why do dogs bark at the mail man every single day
Dogs: the mailman has literally never gotten in how do you not see what I’m doing
Pretty sad that if you want to hit people in the knees with a hammer your career options are limited to doctor or enforcer for the mob.
I hate it when people think I’m staring when really I’m trying to kill them with my mind.
Norwegian chickens be like Bgårk
[two weeks into the zombie apocalypse]
Me: [ventures outside] oh my god there’s a zombie apocalypse
You can only be young once, but you can be immature forever.
If she didn’t reply to any of your 20 texts, she probably doesn’t have good cell service. Definitely don’t stop texting her
Never be afraid to acknowledge your accomplishments
Captain America is fighting with the Red Skull on Twitter right now. This is too real.
Whenever two people argue over something, yell out “OBJECTION” and then contradict the one wearing something you don’t like.
What is wrong with Riverdale that ARCHIE was the best option?
*removing hair clog from drain*
Well wookiee here
You stop eating apples if your doctor is cute.