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I had a friend named Nigel but after you’ve introduced him a few times the novelty wears off.
1st rule of snitch club is d-
“MIKE BROKE THE 1ST RULE!”
Ok w-
“JIM BROKE THE 3RD RULE!”
*police sirens*
Who called the cops
*everyone runs*
Someone asked me if I’d choose potatoes over cake. Buddy I’d choose potatoes over democracy.
I’m at the age where drinking a cup of coffee now makes me feel like Popeye scarfing down a can of spinach.
5 Stages of Girl Scout Cookie Season:
1. Denial
2. Anger
3. Bargaining
4. Depression
5. 436 boxes of Thin Mints
“No!”
-An A to Z guide to parenting.
fast food drive thru cashier: were you the one with…… …. … lots of stuff?
me: yeah that’s me
If you name a baby Barbara, the baby turns 50 years old immediately.
Apparently new moms are supposed to “sleep when the baby sleeps,” but I have yet to find anyone who has mastered the art of sleeping while driving or pushing a stroller.
Martha Stewart gives me the crêpes.
Damn boy, are you my yoga class? Because I want to get hot and sweaty with you in 37 different poses and then not be able to walk tomorrow.
Miss 10 is making her bed upstairs.
[Sound of sellotape ripping]
Friends don’t tell friends 1980 was 40 years ago.
Turkey Homocide Detective 1: That’s the 73rd turkey head today.
THD2: What’s the perp doin’ with the bodies?
THD1: No idea. Hey, the farmer’s calling us over. Is he holding a bloody ax?
THD2: He found the murder weapon! We should wrap this case up quick! I bet it’s the duck.
[Me, on my deathbed]
Wife: Is that what you’re going to wear?
I’m giving up for Lent.
Here is a wonderful thought for all those who are fighting for their mental health during the COVID19 crisis. You are not alone. We are all in this together. Reach out to one another and inspire, empower and support one another. Stay safe.
📸: @thesproutingsunflower
[reflecting on past]
“Ah, yes. I see what the problem is. See all of this?”
*gestures at everything*
“All of this is wrong.”
Ask someone if they’ll watch your bag for you but never actually leave just sit there and watch your bag together with your new friend.
day 16 of being stuck in:
me: shall I have another glass of wine?
my wall: yes catherine splendid idea
“Did you get that thing done I asked you for?”
Me: *holding a baby* How do you reboot this thing?
shakespeare: murder most foul…
goose: what the duck did you just say?!
Be right back. Gotta climb a huge hill, put my 4 yr old on a piece of plastic & then shove him down a sheet of ice.
it’s extremely weird how many reporters are turning in long-read stories about how fabulously wealthy jeff bezos is when it is pretty well known that editors are only really interested in pictures of Spiderman
I asked my doctor about prescribing me sleep medication and he asked if I had tried “giving yourself permission to sleep” instead and now I’m so mad I don’t think I’ll ever sleep again
[homeless guy walks up to me at the park]
“what are you doing inside my house?”
Told my mom I hit 1200 Twitter followers. She pointed out how my brother owns a house and I’m wanted by several collection agencies. Oh ma!
[Ancient Greek Dandruff Shampoo Commercial]
MEDUSA: *looking super embarrassed, trying to casually brush a bunch of shed snake skins off her shoulders*
no one:
coworker at a part time job you’ve known for one calendar day: so remember when I told you about that guy I’ve been texting Brian well anyway I hooked up with his roommate just to see what he’d do and lemme just read you this text I got from him just now ok so he goes,