Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

It’s called the Summer Olympics so one of the events should be running in flip flops to catch the ice cream man

We parents need to stop threatening our kids with a lump of coal. It’s cruel and outdated.

Behave or Santa will break your iPad, kids.

Marriage is your wife:
– Saying you are “the smartest person she knows”
– But not trusting you to buy the right items at the store to make a salad

COWORKER: Hi, this is embarrassing. *whispers* can I borrow a tampon?
ME: Sure, just leave it on my desk when you’re done.

ME: what are those little bugs hovering around the basket of grapes?

GUY: fruit flies I think

ME: *rolls eyes* no it doesn’t, doug

Smoke alarms are stupid — like I’d ever forget to smoke.

Left
Right
Left
Left-er
Quick right
Squeee!
Left
Up
Down
Left
Right
Squeee!
Right
Up

– squirrels

i love hoodies man.
am i skinny ? am i fat ? nobody knows

The partisan media is ONCE AGAIN twisting my words, so let me make this perfectly clear: I am NOT a little teapot. The video clips being circulating showing me stamping my feet and repeatedly insisting that I AM a little teapot have been taken out of context.

Are you supposed to wear your Fitbit in the shower? I’m looking to break this thing as quickly as possible and need advice.

(At concert)

EVERYBODY ON YOUR FEET!!

Me: Not a chance

WAVE YOUR ARMS!!

Me: Ridiculous

OKAY YOU GUYS SING!!

Me: WHOSE CONCERT IS THIS?

If you want to suddenly be surrounded by small children & animals, crinkle a candy wrapper.

*buys dog organic, free-range, non-nitrate chicken treats for $7.99, buys self Big Mac

I picked up & ate a huge piece of baklava at a coffee shop while standing at the register because I thought they were free samples. I chowed down on that thing in silence while the cashier just stared at me.

My grandpa would be 97 today if he hadn’t double-crossed me

I never feel more alive than in those 2 seconds between:
Me: “i’m just gonna say it”
and
My Brain: *you’re an idiot

14 [in front of the dinner his dad made]: I don’t understand what I’m looking at.

My dog: I need to go out
Me: it’s raining
Dog: out NOW
M: Okay but it’s raining
Dog: *walks outside* oh shit, it’s raining

My son thinks he’s studying for his math competition. What he doesn’t know is that I’m just asking him all these questions until our checkbook is balanced.

Why is no one talking about how hamsters taste NOTHING like ham?!

welcome to my podcast What Are Birds Thinking About where we speculate wildly about what birds might be thinking about today’s guest is once again not a bird

It’s not God I dislike, He’s cool. it’s certain members of his fanclub that rub me the wrong way.

Time to go to the liquor store, I’m almost out of holiday spirit

I know I shouldn’t make hot beverages from fish parts, but it’s just my gill tea pleasure.

…No, YOU shut up.

Would you rather have ten thousand dollars or five dollars for every time you thought you were hilarious but no one laughed?

Here are dogs dressed like pandas to cheer you and/or calm you down.

What

Premarital counseling should be having the couple put together IKEA furniture with limited Wi-Fi connection. #weddingparty #romance

[meeting with financial advisor] ok so how does money work

My wife: “Do you even like writing?”

Me: “I like having written.”