“Whatcha doin’, Phil?”
“Some guy on the internet says he’ll pay fifty bucks a pop for beaver shots.”
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Crazy to think back before camera phones we all used to sit in front of bathroom mirrors with sketch pads.
if you wear a bikini top instead of a bra you can go out with wet hair & people will think you just went swimming which is athletic not lazy
attention men: pls stop telling us you want to go down on us for “hours”. thats way too long. we have stuff to do. i’ve got a lasagne cookin
If you eat a pregnant girls food, you’re required to have the baby for her
Vegans aren’t so bad. They taste like chicken.
How to handle a one night stand the next morning:
1. Put on Titanic
2. He’s gone, that’s it
“Hey, we see that everything you’ve ever watched has been in English, may we suggest something in German?”
-Netflix.
what sorcery is this? How does my VLC player know its christmas ????
ME: [waking up from nap]
HER: *looking angry* when i said i wanted to sleep with you this isn’t what i meant
NOT all policemen are strippers.
BARBER: what’ll it be
ME: can u make me feel extremeley self-conscious for 45 minutes
BARBER: u got it
interviewer: why are there so many huge gaps on your resume
me: honestly i’m still sorta figuring out microsoft word
Most guys will go gay for the night with the right amount of sangria & Foreigner playing in the background
Don’t ask me how I know
*looks at fish tank
6: It’s part cat and part fish?
Me: No it’s just a fish
*Catfish maintains eye contact while pushing over treasure chest
I didn’t forget your birthday I just forgot today’s date.
-me, forgetting your birthday
how to have good hair:
– have bad hair
– walk around like you have that hair on purpose
“Sorbet” is a French word that means, “I wish it was ice cream.”
I’m not trying to sound like a conspiracy theorist but isn’t a little suspicious these hurricanes keep happening in alphabetical order??
It’s not a family vacation until someone threatens to throw a prized possession from a moving vehicle.
I know we have a lot of problems but never forget that about 100 years ago we suddenly made most horses unemployed and someday soon they will have their revenge.
It was taking a really long time for the salt shaker to fill up and then I remembered that I’m high.
Italians speak with their hands, but I’m more efficient.
I only need one finger to get my point across.
Fool me once, shame on you. Fool me twice, we’re still well below my average.
Going to change my display name here to “Actually…,” so I won’t have to type it out every time I reply to a tweet.
Phonetics
If at first you don’t succeed, sweep the leg.
assessor: sexual orientation?
me: as in if i were to have sex which way would i be facing?
Never ask a woman for a massage. She’ll do it for 5 minutes, then somehow trick you into giving her an hour-long one. WIZARDS.
Sent out a mass text invite to my pity party & Autocorrect turned it into a pita party. Now I’m eating hummus with people I don’t even like.
obsessed with this tiktoker who has leaned into his miss piggy impression by recreating movie scenes like the monologue from hereditary