“Whatcha doin’, Phil?”
“Some guy on the internet says he’ll pay fifty bucks a pop for beaver shots.”
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My daughter came downstairs and gave me the last bite of her favorite candy. She’d learned to share, and I was proud.
Then her brother came downstairs asking who ate all of his candy. “WE did!” my daughter declared. She’d learned to share blame, and I was even prouder.
This guy just told me I have beautiful eyes.
Well, he said they were pretty…
Ok, he said “Healthy & no change since your last visit.”
“I’ll be back for you real soon” I whisper to the leftover lasagne
Reasons I put my kids to bed on time:
3) They need their rest.
2) Routine is important.
1) “Game of Thrones” is on.
My house isn’t messy, it’s whimsical.
Natalie Imbruglia: I thought I saw a man brought to life. He was warm, he came around like he was dignified
Him:
She’s a 10…but sometimes an 8 and maybe a 12 once in awhile because clothing sizes are so inconsistent.
No pizza delivery in prison is the reason why I haven’t murdered anyone yet.
My parents haven’t called with a computer problem in 48 hours. I’m sending my brother over there to check on them.
I just saw The Big Sick and now I’m negotiating with my doctor to place me in a medically induced coma and then speed dial my true love.
Therapist: healing isn’t linear
Me: what if I pay extra?
Sorry I’m late, I was waiving my hands at a paper towel dispenser that turned out to not be automatic.
My kid is not a good sleeper so I’ll fight pretty much anyone about pretty much anything.
Me: Someone finally made a documentary about clocks
Friend: Please don’t, please
Me: It’s about time
Ex-Friend: I’ve had it
Don’t change, I hate you just the way you are.
I’m too polite to tell you that I dislike you, but if I ever serve you kale…take the hint.
So narcissistic, I crush on my alt.
3-year-old was singing quietly into a banana and without looking up from his video game, her brother said “It’s not on. You have to turn it on.” So she pressed an alleged button on the banana and now she’s singing very loudly into it? Huh
my wife loves it when one of the kids prays before dinner and they say “please God i hope this food is good”.
“THIS IS NOT A DRILL. I REPEAT, THIS IS NOT A DRILL”
– when Dad gave me a DIY lesson
[over megaphone]
“Police! We have you astounded!”
“Jim, it’s ‘surrounded’.”
“No, I know but look at his face.”
I’m not here to judge anyone’s religion. I’m here to judge their misinterpretation of it.
Helping ya friend pick a picture to post 🤝 commenting like it’s ya first time ever seeing the picture
I gotta work hard because my feet pics are unsellable
What I did to that ice cream is illegal is some states.
me: i can’t believe you cheated on me
him: phew! I was worried you’d believe it
Sometimes parenthood is having to say “please don’t throw your beef stick at me” with a straight face.
Standup desk? Sure then I’ll pay someone to whack me in the kneecaps too
Me: My point is that every day brings fresh carnage, and there are new horrors around every corner.
Grandson: Read it how my mommy reads it.