“Whatcha doin’ right now?”
“Finishing up some emails.“
“Wrong. You’re drivin’ me to Petco.”
“Why? You have plenty of food.”
“I’ll also need you to wait in the car.”
“Wait, what?”
“And, keep it running.”
“What’s going on here, Max?”
“Nothin’. I just gotta see a guy about a thing.”
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Don’t get your panties in a bunch. The nicer ones are sold individually.
HIP-STAR WARS:
Obi Wan Quinoa-be VS. Darth Vaper
I sing this with my entire soul to anyone within earshot. I truly believe, in my heart of hearts, that anything that is broken can always be mended.
-The inventor of duct tape, probably
Oh really well you thought four inches was HUGE when we were talking about spiders.
Boomers will say no one makes good music anymore then put on some Bob Dylan song that sounds like a bridge troll’s riddle being played in reverse
I see Google have dropped that internet specs thing then?
“Google Glass”
I know what glass is, Catherine.
If you saw how my wife attacks flying bugs in the house, you’d sleep with a knife under your pillow too.
When Bryan Adams sang ‘Baby, you’re all that I want…when you’re lying here in my arms…” I bet he was talking about brisket.
I wonder if anyone ever told Hitler “just be yourself”.
Husband: What’s with all the barrels of oil in the garage?
Me: THEY WERE ON CLEARANCE, OKAY.
A relationship so stable you can buy concert tickets 4 months in advance >>
Juliet: and, if you forget my fries, don’t bother climbing back up
Me: I love you..Marry Me!
Burrito: I’m a Burrito..stop drinking.
I’m sorry that your Facebook personality quiz matched you up with a rice cake.
a lot of guys and girls have to leave from office early today because they all have doctor’s appointments, be safe people
my daughter said “it’s cold, but it’s a beautiful day.” ppl w no bills are so positive.
Interviewer: We noticed a gap in your employment.
Me: Yes, that’s why I’m here. I need a job.
Interviewer: I’m sorry. Please come back when you already have a job.
[Worm sitting alone]
WAITER: Dinner for 1?
Dumb question
W: But-
*worm cuts self in half*
*waiter shrieks*
2nd WORM: I’ll have the prime rib
Latest survey shows that 3 out of 4 people make up 75% of the world’s population.
If I ever lose my girlfriend in the mall I just start checking other girls out and bam there she is yelling at me
sleeper makes drafting your fantasy team easy👇
Who called it plan b and not the pill out method?
Children of the corn 🌽
me: hi i’d like to exchange my current brain for a new one
customer service: ma’am you’re calling amazon
me: listen alexa i am a PRIME member
I’m down 10 lbs since Christmas and all I did was drink more water and stop eating gingerbread houses.
Hate when stores ban free plastic bags, they’re great for picking up dog poop. Guess I’ll find a new hobby to spend my time. Maybe get a dog
“so i had the dream again last night,”
priest: *sighs* again, dreaming about sleeping with the green m&m is not a sin. weird, but not a sin
[on date]
HER: What are you doing on your phone?
ME: An update
HER: What update?
ME: Not much, what up with you?
Don’t ask me for advice…I advocate breakups and crime.