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Dracula: you will become a creature of the night. Not alive, but not dead. You will thirst for blood and haunt the land for eternity
Me: but I can play video games all the time, forever?
Dracula: in theory…yes
Me: ok let’s do this
Friend: listen to me, I’ve been on plenty of first dates. I know what I’m talking about
Me: well if you’ve been on plenty of first dates, you can’t be very good at them.
[First day as an exterminator]
Me: *pointing to giant, dead mouse on floor* He won’t be bothering you anymore.
Chuck E. Cheese Manager: OH MY GOD
a couple months ago i had a plumber come to my house and he spent the whole time talking about how he was also justin bieber’s plumber and then he broke both of my toilets which begs the question: does justin bieber have working plumbing?
[taking out my Diva Cup]
Dracula: you gonna drink that?
[GOING BACK IN TIME]
Me: Oh my god, I’m in the middle of the First World War!
Everybody: The what now?
Priorities: before we worry about all of this we really need to get all the child eating clowns out of the sewers.
Imagine how much more useful Superman would’ve been if he’d helped people move their heavy furniture instead.
I’ve made a lot of bad decisions in my life but I never ate candy corn on purpose.
Apparently trying to edit the family cookbook to include ‘minced feelings’ at the end of every recipe’s ingredients list is “not okay” and I need to “seriously cut it out”.
If dinosaurs were still alive, people would do a lot more running.
[guy about to invent bowling]
let’s have some fun, but not too much
Someone asked me today what was the toughest thing about being a parent. I would have to say it’s the kids.
Wedding invites are always like: we reserved a block of hotel rooms at a discounted rate of $3,000 a night so book soon! No kids so please leave them at home or in the car. Also the closest airport is 4 hours away. Can’t wait to celebrate our love with you!
you mean to tell me Cameron Diaz dated The Mask AND Shrek? mmmk someone’s got a type
I have an irrational fear that I’m accidentally making up words. I don’t want to be misunderstandable.
[death row]
prison chef: would you like to request a final meal?
me: yes, casserole, but can you cook it for twenty five years
“Dark Side Tech Support.”
“Hi. My hand lightning won’t work. The hate’s flowing thru me, but nada.”
“Try turning the hate off & on again.”
All Tolkien’s tweets would be numbered and his shortest thread would be 65345 tweets
The entire scientific world: The Earth is getting dangerously hotter and threatens our very existence
Dave936 on Twitter: I was 9 in 1976 and I remember it being hot. There’s nothing to worry about, have an ice cream
Every time I get my period, I think well that explains the last few days
has anything been recalled more than romaine? honest question
30% of parenting is making yourself the bad guy so your kids will unite against you and get along for a little while.
whoever said misery loves company spelled calories wrong
her: how about we go to this restaurant? I heard it’s earned two Michelin stars
me: [trying to impress] my car has four Michelin tires
Him: Who ate a whole pan of pigs in a blanket??
Me with crescent roll crumbs stuck to my lip: Burglar.
I asked the cashier if she could validate my parking. “You park real good,” she said.
She was rare, like a goth carolling.
[in bed]
me: was that thunder?
wife: i didn’t hear anything
dog: [checking Dog Handbook]
“in case of thunder, or any sound resembling thunder, stand directly on the nearest human head”
I still can’t find a place with an alligator infested moat for under $2k/month, but I’m hopeful.