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How did harry potter get down the hill?? Walking .. JK Rownling
Unfortunately, the house having ‘period features’ turned out to mean we had to get the decorators in once a month.
Sometimes I try to reason with people, but invariably they start talking again.
I love halloween time 🎃👻🐱:
– candy 🍬🍭🍫
– parties🍕🎉🍻
– costumes👯👺👽
– sacrifices to the dark lord 👉🐓👹
– scary movies🎬📽️💀😲
Forget what you’re wearing, the song stuck in your head when you die is the song stuck in your ghost’s head for eternity
Kitchen Rule No 1.
Don’t walk away from boiling milk unless you’re willing to start over and scrub that stove for a 100 years.
Autocorrect changed Italian to Taliban, so now I’m sure the NSA is super interested in my ricotta cheese.
Me:[slathers self in butter]
Them: I said BETTER! Better yourself!
don’t you dare tell me journalism is dead
I’m looking at two autographs of Mickey Mouse and I’m pretty sure one of them is a forgery.
MAMA GRAPE (to Baby Grape): If you’re going outside, be sure not to wear sunscreen so you get all dry and wrinkly!!
PAPA GRAPE: Ah, you’re raisin them well…
Don’t hate me because I can fall asleep within seconds; hate me because I can sleep through the night without having to get up to go to the bathroom.
oh, internet, you didn’t even exist when this happened to me. every weekend.
“First gay marriage. What’s next – people marrying dogs?!”
*nervous glance at dog
Dog: Frank, we’ve been over this. I like you as a friend
I love my in laws but sometimes it’s hard with the language barrier, like today they said they were taking the kids all day and I thought they meant they were taking the kids all day
villagers: BURN THE WITCH
me: you’re the reason your dad left
witch: omg
villagers [lowering torches] damn dude
I just come here for the free life advice and inspirational quotes from people who’s lives are complete train wrecks.
If you want to intimidate anyone with your screaming and honking, you may need to rethink those reindeer antlers on your car.
my first day as a raccoon
Whenever I left a door open, my mum would ask if I was born in a barn, which is odd because you’d think she’d remember something like that.
AISLE 7
– Chips
– Cookies
– Quackers
“SOME OF US ARE TRYING TO SLEEP” I yell at the neighbor I can hear vacuuming at 1pm in the afternoon.
Whoa whoa whoa, I thought that was OUR thing!
-me to my favorite cashier when she smiles at other customers
Perfect pizza run just now. Every light was green, every merge clear, cop chasing me got in an accident, I couldn’t believe my luck.
Mom always said she didn’t have a favorite child, which was tough because I don’t have any brothers or sisters.
AMERICA: We don’t need the metric system, our measurement system is fine
AMERICAN MEASUREMENT SYSTEM:
A Jenga tower with French Toast sticks and every time you pull one out you eat it and if you knock the whole thing over you eat it.
I did NOT need to see this today!!!!
How long do I have to sleep before I’m legally a bear?
me: this house is making lots of creaky sounds
realtor: that just means it’s settling
my fiancee: *creaky sounds*