Whatcha eating over there? It sounds crunchy.
Hannibal Lecter: Doritoes
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NURSE: She’s in a coma. She’s been on hungerstrike
[boyfriend walks in with just enough chips for himself]
PATIENT: *Opens one eye*
Me: digging up to the surface for a bit
Worm Wife: why
Me: idk because I can sense that it’s raining?? How does this not interest you
Worm Wife: you’ll shrivel up you know…
Me: You’re crazy, it’s so wet out there 😂
Me: think I’m gonna crawl across the entire driveway 😳
Son: Dad, what does ‘gay’ means?
Father: It means ‘to be happy’.
Son: Are you gay?
Father: No, son. I have a wife.
Me: “Do you have any songs you’re really hoping to learn in piano lessons?”
7 yo boy, dead serious: “Well my main goal for being here is really to learn The Muffin Man.”
You got it, brother. 🫡
They say real men hunt their food, which is why I throw a spear through the box of pasta before letting it bleed out in my shopping cart.
haha how about we make a pact if we’re both single in 6 seconds we get married?? haha look how nervous u are. times runnin out tho
British seasons:
Spring: Two months
Summer: Eight minutes
Autumn: Three weeks
Winter: Seven years
Boy, was I disappointed when I found out canoodling doesn’t involve actual noodles.
Food wedding anniversaries:
Year 1: champagne
Year 2: strawberries
Year 3: chocolate
Year 4: donuts
Year 5: protein shakes
Year 6: microwave meal
Year 7: Rat poison.
70% of the Earth’s surface is oceans. The rest is split between car dealerships and a Costco parking lots.
[high school]
Teacher: do u have your homework?
Ryan Lochte: I was murdered last night
Goats will be chewing while looking at you like they have seen you somewhere.
Day 4: They suspect nothing.
📸:
Wife: what’s wrong?
Me *halfway through eating a horse* I’m not as hungry as I thought
I like how having Piñata’s at a child’s birthday party teaches them to beat the shit out of something until they get what they want. Nice.
VW have got in2 trouble 4 falsifying data, apparently this is not d first time the Germans have been found guilty of lying abt gas emissions
“I eat a high protein diet” sounds a lot better than, “I pretty much just eat bacon and chicken wings”
Me, when there’s an errand that lets me leave the house when everyone is acting crazy:
Priest: Body of Christ..
Gordon Ramsay: Dry.
Remember kids, you only burn in hell if you are religious.
Therapist: And what do we do when we’re sad?
Fleabag: Go to church.
Therapist: Good.
Fleabag: To flirt with the priest.
Therapist: No.
4yo: Can I have powder on my pizza?
Me: You mean parmesan cheese?
4: I don’t like cheese. I want powder
Me: *Gives parmesan cheese
4: *Happy
Humans are 58% water. Jellyfish are 95% water. Therefore, humans are 61% jellyfish.
I have 39 calories left for the day. I think I might just open the ice cream and smell it.
kinda adds insult to injury that jesus was nailed to the cross since he was a carpenter. whole time he was probably noticing all the corners they cut like “this wood was not sanded properly”
Coffee can’t solve all of my problems, but it can reduce the criminal charges for the future.
This wine tastes like everyone can go make their own dinner.
Me: I just want to meet someone like me. Someone interesting.
Them: well which is it?
A judge in Oklahoma City wed a couple and then sentenced the groom to prison. That sounds redundant to me.
All out of clean spoons so I guess I’ll just eat this fat free yogurt with my gun.