Whatcha eating over there? It sounds crunchy.
Hannibal Lecter: Doritoes
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[sees a squirrel walking, not running, out of a cemetery] sweet jesus this is how it begins
Just so u know guys I literally covered my roommates bed in 324 pieces of cornbread 2 make it a “cornbed” so ur fakes puns mean nothing 2 me
I was winning at blackjack until the pit boss offered to exchange my chips for chips and salsa.
Top killers of kids in the ’50s.
1. Abandoned refrigerators
2. Failure to duck and cover
3. Tasty lead paint
4. Playing around at the dinner table
I just want to bring your heart to it’s knees.
… And while you’re down there…
I’m not “late”, I’m just very creative with my interpretation of “time”.
People used to dress as monsters for Halloween. Now they dress as characters from shows you don’t watch.
I was going to buy Oasis tickets but I found out if I set my money on fire in the backyard instead, I won’t have to pay for parking
[Turning a carved Halloween pumpkin around so it’s now a Thanksgiving pumpkin] “haha suck it, Martha Stewart”
“We’d love to hear your feedback about our site!”
I don’t think you will….
OPTIMUS PRIME: This is just because I’m also a car. I want to be clear, you being inside me is not sexual for me.
ME: Okay but you saying it that way every time makes me feel like it might be.
tinder is all about the long game
[Kitchen]
Me: I’m a were-state. When the moon is full I turn into a US state.
Wife: No you don’t the moon is full now.
Me: *Illinois noises*
5-year-old: Dad, can you make the rain go away?
Me: Someone more powerful than me controls the weather.
5-year-old:
Me:
5-year-old: Mom?
Me: (squeezing into a gown) I’m so sick of the fashion industry. Who do you even make these clothes for? Children?
Disney Store clerk: Yes.
Friend: Don’t you love these new yoga pants? They come with a little pocket for your phone.
Me: Your phone? *quietly stuffs cookies back in pocket*
Matthew McConaughey in Dazed & Confused: He gets older, the girls stay the same age
Matthew McConaughey in Interstellar: he stays the same age, his girl gets older
The range on this guy!
When, in the future, someone says “remember when we did that thing and had the most amazing time?” and you struggle to remember what year it happened…
One thing you can be sure of is that it didn’t happen in 2020
Interviewer: what’s your biggest weakness?
Me: ha nice try
I: excuse me?
M: that’s how Lex Luthor beat Superman. I’m not stupid.
I love diss tracks because it’s basically 2 dudes going, “grr, we hate each other so much we’re going to take turns writing increasingly personalized poetry!”
Bought a chicken to make sandwiches. It doesn’t. It shits on the floor.
“You’re a ten?”
“On the PH scale, Cuz you basic.”
How do I rate our solar system?
One star
The rain is pouring. So naturally it’s a good day to eat 6 donuts.
COP: Where were you the night of the murder?
CROW: I was with a group of friends
COP: What would you call that group?
CROW: …I want a lawyer
No…no. Just leave your shirt here and let’s go look for Bigfoot.
~ whiskey
My midwife just sat me down and gently broke the news that I am simply plump and she has no reason to be here.
My corpse will likely be too lazy for rigor mortis.
Hot singles are in your area!
Hot singles are on your block!
Hot singles are in your house!
Hot singles are here to kill you!