Whatcha eating over there? It sounds crunchy.
Hannibal Lecter: Doritoes
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The last time I had sex, there was a dinosaur in the cave with us.
Satan: What’s that?
God: Babies. I made them the sweetest creatures in the universe.
Satan: I see. *invents screaming*
God: lol good one!
If the conversation gets too serious take your pants off.
GOD: I call those trees and plants
ANGEL: very beautiful
GOD: ya I’m gonna make some people allergic to them
ANGEL: dude who hurt you
The ironic thing about the original Scooby Doo adventures was that the only real supernatural phenomena they encountered was a TALKING DOG.
a•c•q•u•a•i•n•t•a•n•c•e•s (tv show, sitcom): six peopel avoid grabbing a cup of coffee together for 10 years
My family was totally confused tonight because there’s a candle lit that smells like a cake is baking without burning
I don’t do that
I wonder if my dog gets embarrassed when I give him kisses in front of other dogs at the park.
“How was your first day of school sweetie?”
*in tears* JEFF HAD THE SAME SHIRT
“Oh…I’m sorry”
*rips Batman shirt* I’M NEVER TEACHING AGAIN!!
“Look, I’m not going to sugar coat it.”
-why my donut shop failed
If I became a witch, the first spell I would cast is to make crickets sound like a purring cat. After that, I’d focus on evil. But the cricket-cat thing first.
Fun Fact: There are only 4 actors in the entire United Kingdom at any one time and they take turns playing every role in every British TV show and movie. Here they currently are:
The next time someone asks me my ethnicity I’m just going to say I come from a long line of pirates.
In medieval Europe, it was pretty easy to amass vast armies eager to go into battle and have their heads schwacked off because no one wanted to be alive in medieval Europe.
To make a mistake is human. To admit a mistake is stupid.
[watching TV]
“Buy her the perfect diamond earrings for the holidays…”
Wife: Those are perf-
Me: *changes channel*
Ever since they started calling pole dancers “artists,” I’ve been writing on my resume that my talents include “moving in artistic circles.”
Petition to rename deer to good will so deer hunters have to say they’re good will hunting. HOW DO YOU LIKE DEM APPLES
Exercise good judgement? I don’t think so, I don’t exercise anything.
If you don’t open your mouth while putting on mascara, you die.
Me: *falls down entire staircase*
(20 full seconds of silence)
Dad: …careful.
*watches wife take out ice cream
*watches wife scoop ice cream into bowl
*watches wife eat ice cream
Me: SO WHATCHA DOIN’
I don’t push people away, I just do the Macarena
I couldn’t remember the word tumbleweed
What’s it called when you’re a perfectionist but also extremely bad at everything?
[job interview]
Boss: What qualifies you to be a ninja?
Ninja: I just cut your head off.
Boss: That’s pr–*thump*
“What do we want?”
“Hearing aids.”
“When do we want them?”
“Hearing aids.”
I can’t stand lactose intolerant people who work at ice cream parlors. They can dish it out but they can’t take it.
Can someone call my keys? I forgot where I put them
[phone]
Me: Oh wow I love your voice
Her: Thanks!
Me: And your accent is so cool, are you from the south?
Her: Good guess!
Me: Oh yeah I love it down there, the weather, the food!
Her: Me too! It’s the best!
Me: It really is
Her: Anyway what’s your emergency
Me: I’ve been stabbed