Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

All I’m saying is nothing feels better than using a decorative towel.

I am AWFUL at picking up if a woman is into me.

Even if one said, “I want to do you.” I’d respond, “What do you mean? Like an impression?”

Friend: What happened?
15yo me: *arm in a sling* Got hit by 2 buses.

Friend: What happened?
37yo me: *in a full body cast* I sneezed weird.

[Doctor’s Office]
Seal: My flippers are sore.
Killer Whale Doctor: Hmm interesting, swim a little closer into my jaws- I MEAN ONTO THE TABLE

a cute boy moved in next door and his bedroom window is across from mine, I hope this doesn’t turn into a coming of age film.

Parents, need a little free time Easter morning?

Have your kids hunt for Easter eggs that you never hid.

Bonus points for telling them they’re getting warmer.

a fun thing to do when you get a compliment is yell “it’s NOT my FAULT”

The band and I decided to go our separate ways after they saw my audition.

The more things change, the more they stay the same.

I never believed in hypnosis until I spent six straight hours staring at the bakery’s rotating pie display case.

ME: *falls off the wagon*

THE REST OF MY CARAVAN ON THE OREGON TRAIL: Phew. Finally.

I don’t understand Christian heavy metal. Like why are they so angry for Jesus?

Thank goodness my food comes pre-murdered. I don’t know if I could do that.

the coolest name by far is wolfgang. just a gang of wolves. not even a pack. these wolves do crimes

Look, I don’t have kids, and I’m not a lawyer, but if YOU have kids and could start up a Baby Fight Club and video the results, I really think it would help bring this country together.

My uterus really needs a new lining every month? Seems ungrateful. What’s wrong with the lining I got you last month. It was brand new

Saw a goth teenager walking a hyperactive chihuahua and if they can be friends, anyone can.

“I can’t wait to feel you between my thighs tonight,” I say to my new memory foam pillow, which has been helping realign my spine while granting remarkable relief from lower back pain.

My dad is on Instagram now and my plan is to comment on all of his photos with horny reply guy shit like “So f****** beautiful” and “I’d let you do that to me anytime” until he deletes it.

Guilty! 🤪

my cats when I don’t feed them in a timely fashion

When do you introduce yourself to your new neighbors? Is it after 5 years? Tell me it’s after you hit their mailbox with your car.

I always dream of being a millionaire
like my uncle!… He’s dreaming too.

doctor: you have 2 weeks to live… haha just kiddin i didnt even look at your chart yet

patient: well what does it actually say

doctor: *reading chart* ok youre gonna laugh

I’m Scottish and Irish, so when I asked my grandparents for stories they’d just tell me about various family feuds.

I’ve got a really bad feeling about this bathroom, you guys.

Kid, texting: MOM I’M HUNGRY!

Mom: *sends food emojis*

A sheep walks into a bar. Lots more sheep follow, the barman counts them and falls asleep, the sheep help themselves to free drinks. Genius.

I pack underwear as if I plan to shit myself for 40 days and nights