“Whatcha inventing?”
“I call it a picnic. It’s a meal but outside with bugs and a high risk of bear attack.”
“Can I bring my kids?”
“Sure.”
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IF UR DATING SOMEONE
AND THEY GIVE YOU GOOSEBUMPS
BUT THEY DON’T GIVE YOU FRIES
WHY ARE YOU TOGETHER?
How did human beings express empathy before the phrase “that sucks” was coined?
“The name’s Bond, James Bond…
and you are”?
men r from mars , women r frm venus , neither are capable of reproducton or space travel so species dies out [RECALIBRATE SIMULATION?] <Y/N>
teacher: where is your assignment?
me: my dog ate it-
[i see my dog standing outside the classroom window. he draws a line across his throat]
me: i mean there was a fire. a homework fire.
I sign all anniversary cards with ‘Way to commit to the bit!’
The umbrella was going to be called brella, but the inventor hesitated.
Wife and I are at that age where foreplay is just us describing things we’d probably do to each other if we weren’t so tired and achy.
Me: wanna go cow tipping?
Other person: that sounds fun
*LATER*
Me: *handing cow five dollars* thanks for the milk, Daisy
I cross my legs because I’m a lady and classy and I really need to pee.
Led Zeppelin’s “In My Time Of Dying” is my favorite song about a man with a touch of a cold.
Vampire: How did you find me?!
Me: We waited outside all night for you to get back
Vampire: So it was a stakeout
Me: lmao
Vampire: lmaoooo
Raisins are just grapes pretending not to be past their “sell by” date
Me: You’re cleaning out the basement?
Her: Yes I am decluttering my life. I have a new rule: If I haven’t used it in 3 months, I’m getting rid of it.
Me: I guess I’ll be packing my bags then.
SQUARREL
I love you too, my dear tree. But I fear my wife is beginning to suspect
“Dad?”
“Yes, son?”
“Where do Cowboys come from?”
“Well, son. When a cow and a boy love each other very, very much…”
A mongoose is just a goose who listens to reggae
very demi lovato saying their favorite dish is a mug because it can hold hot liquids
“Honey, can you come here?”
“What is it?”
“There’s something in the tub.”
“Spider?”
“I don’t think so.”
“Just squish it.”
“Can you please do it?”
“Stop being such a baby.”
[trial in gotham]
lawyer: please state your name for the court
bruce wayne: batman
lawyer:
judge:
jury:
bruce wayne: wait shit no
tfw you realize …
Elon Musk: Inhabiting Mars is the only hope we have of saving the human race
Jesus: LOL
I love when I wake up to sunshine and birds singing and good coffee and I think it’ll be a Disney day but then I open Twitter and realize I’m only in act one of a horror movie
I didn’t know any of my neighbor’s names before getting a dog but now I know their names are Kylo’s mom, Phoebe’s dad, Max’s mom and Bo’s parents
When I snag the last meatball.
I carry dental floss with me at all times because you never know when you’re going to need to garrotte a co-worker.
Sucks how every girl I’m interested in is either taken or has good taste in men.
Stop breeding everything with poodles!!!
