“Whatcha inventing?”
“I call it a picnic. It’s a meal but outside with bugs and a high risk of bear attack.”
“Can I bring my kids?”
“Sure.”
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landlords: *will ignore you for months about issues in your apartment*
also landlords: your rent was 2.6 milliseconds late
KID: I’m a brat!
WILLY WONKA: I am going to have you murdered.
Me to husband: I’m about to cook, but first, can you do that thing I like?
Him: *disables smoke alarm*
My husband handed my son an orange to take to school.
Me: “He’s not going to eat that.”
My son reached in his bag and pulled out yesterday’s orange. … and then pulled out Tuesday’s orange as well.
Resolution: He returned two previous oranges and brought the new one. 🤷🏼♀️
I washed my shirts and they’re hanging out on the clothes line. They know what they did!
ELECTRICIAN: [walks into home]
GF: WHY ARE YOU IN SO LATE?
E: Honey, we’ve talked about this.
GF: [sadly] Ok…. wire you insulate?
ok wow… unfollowing now. was a big fan of their music but i was not aware they were using it to lure sailors to a watery grave by dashing their ships against the rocky coast of their island
It’s like my Mom always said FW: FW: FW: FW: FW: FW: FW: FW: FW: FW: FW: FW: FW: FW: FW: FW: FW: FW: FW: FW: FW: FW: FW: FW: FW: FW: FW: FW:
Urgent: do vampires need to be invited into each individual apartment in a building or do they just need to get in the lobby?
“I’m not ordering fries, I’ll just eat some of yours” -Former friends of mine
Getting to know someone is a lot like making toast; don’t do it in the bathtub.
If Jesus died for our sins then why are there so many popups when i try to watch a movie online illegally
I saw an ad for a tree removal service with the line “We’ll come to you!” Great idea! So much more convenient than dragging my yard across town.
Just when the world was convinced Canadians were normal, we published a recipe for ketchup cake on our ketchup bottles.
*tooth fairy arrested for incisor trading*
*Bee lands on flower covered in another flower’s pollen*
FLOWER: What’s that?
BEE: I can explain
F: I don’t want to hear your lies, Ian
According to my co-workers, I have the paitience of a saint which my family thought was hilarious until I told them to shut up
If I had two brownies, I’d give you one
little corner off of one
COP: Your home was robbed
ME: Dang I had a self-designed alarm system
C: Didn’t work
M: Back to the drawing board
C: They stole that
M: Dang
pal: what’s your favorite band
me: idk probably rubber
Me: I got a job interview next week.
Wife: Great news. You should update your wardrobe.
Me: Okay.. *to the wardrobe* I got a job interview next week.
Me: I’m not a morning person
Everyone: no shit
Easy there, Jedi. Convincing me to add wings to my pizza order isn’t a mind trick.
Never realized how out of shape I was until I started sweating after using scissors for 30 seconds.
You know your life has changed when you and your spouse spend over an hour breaking down the social scene of a 4yo’s birthday party like it’s an episode of housewives
I like my whiskey like my marriage….
On the rocks.
The other day I opened the center console in my wife’s vehicle and chap sticks sprang out of there like snakes in a can.
Tried to back up today in a car without a rear facing camera. I killed seven pedestrians and three dogs.
When I would sit in the backseat of the car as a kid I used to imagine I was in a music video. Now when I sit in the backseat I imagine someone’s finally taking me to an asylum.