Whatchu want me to petit four? Pet it your own gotdamn self.
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A guy in my class stopped me today as I was walking out and said “I gotta show you this girl she’s your literal twin” and then showed me my own Instagram
If men had periods our commercials would be awesome…
A model train set is the male equivalent of 25 cats.
In today’s modern work world employees, even those working remotely, can call in and key in their hours over the phone. It’s a big change from prehistoric times when Fred Flintstone would clock in and out in person with a physical punch card made of stone.
People on LinkedIn on a Saturday.
Who. Hurt. You?
*on my death bed* Why didn’t I just buy a normal bed?
Of course I regularly eat international cuisine. Only last week I had cyrillic alphabetti spaghetti.
There should be a Mad Max movie that reveals the world outside Australia has actually remained pretty normal
ME (just before the road trip): I can hold it until I get there.
ME (4 hours in):
Put a bar inside Home Depot you cowards.
Maybe we should be focussing less on Goldilocks and more on why Mama and Papa bear don’t sleep in the same bed anymore.
Everytime someone on my social media says “omg you’re British” I instantly respond with well done want a cookie? 🙄🙄😂
*On a 1st date*
Me: Psst, you can hold my hand if it gets too scary for you 😉
Them: We’re having a picnic
Me: *suspiciously glaring at a nearby squirrel* I said what I said
Woke up screaming this morning. My apologies to everyone in the meeting.
I cannot imagine being as bored as the first person to poach an egg
*wakes up*
*looks at clock*7:42 am
*gets out of bed*
*remembers it’s Saturday*
*smiles*
*lies back down*Dog: “Oh good, you’re up!”
PATIENT: How tough was medical school for a dog like you?
DR DOG: *thinking back on all the homework he ate* It wasn’t easy
Wife’s lawyer: So why did he demand a divorce?
My lawyer: it says here that he forgot it was their wedding anniversary and just panicked…
Please don’t ask her what she wants for Valentine’s day. She’ll say she wants nothing. You’ll believe her and we both know how it’s going to end.
my boyfriend has made me vow to not be annoying at the bob dylan concert i don’t want to go to
My dog saw me naked this morning
now she’s sitting down at the end of the driveway waiting for her Uber to the shelter
My dog, every day, brings out a shoe, a shoe of mine in my current shoe rotation, and won’t let it go until I give her a bully stick. It’s extortion!
Wife to 4yo: How did you get your shirt so dirty?!
4yo: Because lunch.
I just love that new Pope smell.
*knocks on neighbor’s door*
*asks if their dog can come out and play*
Sarah Palin’s new Christmas book is her attempt at valuing the sanctity Christmas so she can sell books and make money just like baby Jesus.
Got banned from being a chef in every restaurant in town because every time someone sent back a pavlova I would call it a boomeringue
Stop calling it “sweater weather” and call it what it really is, “I don’t have to shave my legs for 6 months weather.”
August 8
Nobody knows how much work I put into looking only this fat.