Whatchu want me to petit four? Pet it your own gotdamn self.
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Her: let’s role play
Me: ok I’ll pretend I’m a firefighter
Her: hot
Me: *narrows eyes*
some days you look in the mirror and all you see is a Botero painting
It’s 5pm and I’m pretty sure my husband’s trying to get me drunk. Joke’s on him, I’ve been drunk since noon.
PET PEEVE: Why do we call them baby names? They’re HUMAN NAMES. They don’t expire as you grow up.
[at work]
Carl, did you get naked when you used the bathroom?
*standing there with his shirt & pants on backwards*
“No…why do you ask?”
I feel bad for the children of Vegans because no one gets found when their picture’s on the back of unsweetened organic almond milk.
[getting caught by a traffic cam] ok now let’s do a silly one
Find a man who pays attention to what you say as much as Google ads does
the gym is my favorite place to go to listen to people count to 10
Sex is great but have you ever perfectly clapped the hand clapping part of a song?
You’d think a baby would make the perfect paperweight, but this one keeps rolling off my desk.
Pretty nervous about the guy who dropped out of mechanic school the second they showed us how to cut a brake line.
‘You have a PhD!’ I whisper encouragingly to myself as I creep, terrified, towards the spider [I don’t, but the spider doesn’t know this]
What If When You Die They Ask You
“How Was Heaven?”
I found an old set of stationary I ordered when I was 10 … will be using it for all future business correspondence
*watches TV*
GET AN ANONYMOUS ONLINE QUOTE NOW!
*logs on*
“You’re a giant idiot and your parents are very disappointed in you” – Anonymous
Me: I’d like the French dip
Waiter: Au jus?
Me: No, Catholic
You can learn a lot about your kids by simply turning off the TV and talking. For example I discovered that mine are really boring.
No, I DON’T know the lyrics. I just want to make the noises.
[my funeral]
priest: we are all going to miss, uh… *snaps finger* you know.. *glances at my wife*
wife: *turns to my mom*
mom: Greg? I feel like it was something close to Greg.
ON TWITTER FOR TEN MINUTES: aw sweet, there’s so many smart funny people here
ON TWITTER FOR AN HOUR: my life is now dedicated to vengeance on PatriotMike24396857
me 2 months after i graduated
I’ve cleaned the entire house so no one is allowed to live here anymore.
Taught a man how to BUY fish. So much easier.
I now know I drink too much. I walked out on my deck and swear I heard a mosquito yell out to his all his friends that the bar just opened.
They say you are what you eat but what happens if you didn’t mean to eat it. I don’t want to be a bug.
[at urinal in restaurant bathroom]
Him: …
Me: …
Him: Do you come here often?
Me: No
Him: …
Me: I go into the stall for that
the correct way to spell “hats” is HATS because it’s all caps
Chat: “don’t”
Email: “I do not”
Essay of 2,500 words: “Henceforth, I have suddenly discovered that I am now bereft of the ability to do”
All kids are born with a sixth sense that lets them know the absolute worst time to ask for something.