Whatd I do for Halloween, I hear you ask?
Cleaned off the porch & fed the birds.But like, scarily. Or whatever.
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I’m absolutely irreplaceable at my place of employment. As long as they never try replacing me with a block of wood.
Playing Rugby is a great way to meet new people, Paramedic’s … Nurses,…Orthopedic Surgeons.
This is a bad sign
Stray dog: digs through garbage all day to find one piece of food to survive.
My dog: eats one piece of new kibble and vomits because it’s not his favorite brand. Goes on a hunger strike.
I have a devil tattooed on each shoulder cause I hate arguments.
At my funeral I want there to be a big ‘live laugh love’ sign with the ‘live’ crossed out
Our movers are finally here and I’m realizing my husband labeled boxes like “books, prob.”
hot tip: to avoid writing bugs, don’t write software
[mouse wedding]
PHOTOGRAPHER: Oh my God [closes eyes & rubs bridge of nose] Stop. Turning. Round. THERE ISN’T ANY ACTUAL CHEESE
Quarantine has given me some free time so I made an exit survey for people who left me on read on dating sites
I walk into the bathroom only to be greeted by my dad’s masterpiece
ME: my son ran away
COP: we won’t rest until we find him
ME: [swiping LEGO aside with both feet] no rush
Hey, if we have the same make and model car & you park right next to me at the store, don’t look so surprised when I get in your car by mistake, dude.
INFORMER!!!
Younosaydahdfrxqpgirnmekdmhgjwrztnhyenixblaamm…
A LICKY BOOM BOOM DOWN!
Given that our animals have pockets I think we can agree that Australia is more evolved than the rest of the world.
crazy how my parents yelled at me as a child to “prepare me for the real world” when the only person who consistently yells at me is my cat
My front door has a reverse peephole so you can see me ignoring you
My Twitter crush is 4,762-timing me!
If you people would’ve used a little more alizarin crimson like Bob Ross told you to, none of this would be happening right now
Well there goes my Wednesday night.
Apparently my boss wasn’t too happy with my performance during his trust fall.
I trusted him to fall, he hit the floor, I applauded. Not sure what the problem was, tbh.
She said she wanted to eat at “the most expensive place in town” so here we are at the stadium concession stand.
Regional Manager added me to the wrong Slack channel at work. There were discussions on overlooking 3 certain people for promotions & ideas on how to get them fired, because they were in a union. Long story short, I’m the regional manager now and the 3 people got their promotions
I’m in the other room and I hear my 3yo shout, “In your face, poop”. Then the toilet flushes. I would give anything to get that excited about pooping again.
[Mom group]
New mom: My six-month-old is teething.
My mom: My 30-year-old won’t move out.
Anderson Cooper: “the Arizona wildfire is flaming out of control.”
Arizona Wildfire: “Wow, isn’t that the pot calling the kettle black.”
Friend: Wow, you’ve been happily married for 25 years?! What is your secret?
Me: He travels, A LOT.
Not to brag but growing up my boys thought a unanimous decision meant whatever mom wants.
GF’s friend didn’t keep my Valentine’s gift a secret. So I had to embroider a towel for her too. Because, well, snitches get stitches.
Party hack: Let your guests know it’s time to leave by having your child play a musical instrument.