Whatd I do for Halloween, I hear you ask?
Cleaned off the porch & fed the birds.But like, scarily. Or whatever.
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Sony has announced MORBIUS will be released once a month until their demands are met.
Why do Mexicans eat tamales on Christmas?
Because they’re delicious, you racist asshole.
Never trust couscous. It’s just fat sand.
Ok but actually
Me on my way to annoy my favorite person
The reason Latin is a dead language is because they kept accidentally summoning demons during regular conversations
washing mushrooms is the quickest way to figure out exactly how much dirt you’re okay with eating
They’ve let the kids out of school in advance of the bad weather so it’s our duty as adults to nod & greet one another in town with “Storm’s comin.”
Whenever I say bad words like ‘diet’, I wash my mouth out with doughnuts.
Drop a ring pop in front of him. If he picks it up and hands it back to you… Congratulations! You’re engaged.
[Soldiers regrouping]
Where’s Jim?
He went M.I.A.
*Cut to Jim*
♫ All I wanna do
*bang bang bang bang*
*reloading noise*
And shoot enemies ♫
“Britney Spears” implies the existence of a “Britney Swords”, who probably has less attack speed and range but more well-rounded damage output potential
Snow White is baking a pie with squirrels and chipmunks and there’s not one turd anywhere.
Not one.
I just heard a lady in the grocery store parking lot tell her dog in the truck she loves him & he’s beautiful & she’s going to miss him, but she’ll brb & kissed head.
& I just feel like we need more of her in this world.
I also wanna be her dog when I grow up.
*goes to the park*
*spoon feeds red bull to the ducks*
now is it just me or does this dress look like she’s making pasta from scratch.
ME: I wasn’t invited to the party
FRIEND: Yeah, people think you’re melodramatic
ME: [slaps friend with silk glove] Then I shall die alone
Nothing guarantees running into someone you know in public better than looking like a feral animal on two hours of sleep.
What do you mean there’s no cash prize for being the first guy in the neighborhood to shovel his driveway?
accountant: “youre basically broke”
wife: “he keeps spending money on stupid stuff”
me: “lets ask the dog if he thinks his jeans are stupid”
GF: every time we fight you start interpretive dancing
*i dance beautifully for 12 minutes*
GF: I DONT KNOW WHAT THAT MEANS!
the only way to save the bees is by beeing fiscally responsible. don’t spend the bees faster than you earn them. start a bee savings account. set yourself a bee budget
I made a cool diagram of how the Spanish Flu worked in 1918.
I want a pet eagle that’s trained to steal people’s sandwiches for me.
Of course skinny jeans are canceled, after a year of quarantine no one fits in them anymore
[tattoo parlour]
ME: I’d like a tattoo as a tribute to my dad. He loved gardening & now he’s dead, so maybe like a skeleton mowing the lawn?
There are two wolves inside you, I don’t remember what you’re supposed to do with them but I DO remember they WILL NOT do that thing with peanut butter that dogs will.
[Gives husband a list for groceries]
He brings home 1/2 of what’s on the list and someone else’s kid.
MASSEUSE: I’m sensing a lot of stress
ME: [thinking about my car full of bees] Work
