Whatd I do for Halloween, I hear you ask?
Cleaned off the porch & fed the birds.But like, scarily. Or whatever.
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Don’t ask me for advice, i just waited over a minute for an elevator to move before realizing i had not yet selected a floor.
If we can land on Mars then we can figure out how to get someone else to go to the bathroom for me I’m not discussing this further
Ordering a meat lover’s pizza is too much commitment for me. I could definitely do a meat liker’s pizza.
Or a meat “lets not ruin this by putting labels on it” pizza.
When you’re on the third Zoom meeting of the day and decide you’re just gonna go ahead and eat your lunch and people can just deal with it.
[moments after time traveling to 1863]
LINCOLN: four score & seven years ago
ME: [behind a tree] JUST SAY IT NORMAL
me: can i get a big mac
employee: sir, this is a Burger King
me: sorry can i get a big mac, your majesty
I got one brain cell left & it moves around my head like a windows screensaver
[street]
ME: “What if I park here?”
PARKING OFFICER: *writing a ticket* “Fine by me”
is this a warning or an offer?
*brings a laser pointer to the Broadway showing of Cats and creates utter mayhem*
there was a sandwich. on the edge of the counter. and now there isn’t. those are all the details. we can confirm so far. the piece of lettuce on my nose. is purely circumstantial
Cannibals don’t drink coffee.
They have a cup of Joe instead.
Someone filmed bats upside down and it looks like a goth nightclub
Dating app for hypochondriacs called Twinge.
The U.S is #18 in mathematics worldwide. At least we’re in the top ten.
*Logging into Reddit in a wig and fake mustache*
Gentlemen, I think we should really stick it to Wall Street by finding me a girlfriend
“The three ingredients found in every kitchen.” This recipe is making some fancy assumptions about my kitchen.
My son (4 years old), who has grown up watching us talk to Siri and Alexa, thinks you can talk to anything that has a screen or is plugged into the wall. This morning he told the toaster to order him a new lego set.
Bartender: “I see your glass is empty. Would you like another?”
Me: “What on earth would I do with 2 empty glasses?”
Dr: do you have kids?
me: yes I have 3 kids
Dr: do you drink?
me: yes I have 3 kids
*Hears loud noise*
Me: What are y’all doing?
5yo: Nothing. We’re not messing with bowling balls!
I put my pants on like everyone else….
After sex.
Ha just kidding. I don’t have sex, or pants.
Edward norton: what’s your power
Me: I recast avenger characters
Mark ruffalo: wait wut
I was voted, “most likely to interfere with a corpse,” in high school.
“Apart from diet and exercise, anything else I should change, doctor?”
“Again, *wheeling me into surgery* the main thing is the bear fighting.”
ME: Can you stop the car here? I wanna pet the dogs at that animal shelter.
ARRESTING OFFICER: No.
My neighbor, when something bad happens to me: Remember, everything happens for a reason.
Me, when my neighbor’s packages are mistakenly delivered to me: [whispers] This was meant to be.
Me: I’m nervous for my date.
Friend: Just exaggerate to impress her
{during date}
Her: What’s something you’re proud of?
Me: I invented milk
Therapist was right, stress balls are helpful, I’ve been throwing them at people all day and never felt better.