Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

House Hunters:
“We want a slide, cheeseburgers, a clown.”
Realtor: Are you describing McDonalds?
“haha no”
*3 kids tumble out of trenchcoat*

If you can make a woman laugh, you can make her do anything – Marilyn Monroe

If you believe that try showing her your race car bed – Me.

imagine a frog. good. now imagine a frog wearing a party hat and playin a lil tambourine. even better

[first day as an undercover cop]

mobster: are you wearing a wire

guy in my earpiece: say no

me: they said to tell you no

What idiot called it the road to Bethlehem instead of the highway to the manger zone?

Walruses? Walri? Walrus?

Anyway…They’ve escaped.

Oh you love your mom’s cooking? Name 4 of her dishes.

I just saved a mom $26 by trying on the same hat her teen daughter wanted.

When algebra teachers retire, how do they deal with the aftermath?

I think my first day working for Microsoft is going really well.

i bring a card table with me where I go for thanksgiving in case the host’s furniture is too heavy to flip

*phone rings

Me: Hello?

Telemarketer: Hello how are you today?

Me to son: Come here baby, SpiderMan is on the phone!

Wrong answers only

Answer: Marriage

roses are red
bellflowers creep
i’m in your house
watching you sleep

Saw a pregnant woman smoking today.
You can guess what I yelled at her.
Apparently she wasn’t pregnant after all.
You can guess what she yelled at me.

I wanted to join a street gang when I was a teenager but I failed the dancing audition.

TSA agent just said the dumbest thing I’ve ever heard.

“Keep track of your gifts. Don’t want Santa’s elves to take your toys back to the North Pole”.

The elves wouldn’t do that. That’s not what they do.

Don’t touch me.

Happy MOM THIS HUGE ASSIGNMENT IS DUE TOMORROW AND I’VE JUST STARTED IT to all those who celebrate.

The ocean is full of sharks, jellyfish, man-eating octopus, and nightmare whales, but make sure you wait a half-hour after eating to go in.

If I ever marry someone who shares my intense love of puns, she’ll be my pun-kin.

My husband ruins every game show by figuring out how much tax the winner will have to pay.

A haunted house would be pretty scary if it was filled with light switches that accidentally turned on the garbage disposal.

*narrows my eyes at you suspiciously*
*keeps narrowing them*
*closes them entirely*
[naps]

What one thing may cause you to snap so that you could see yourself committing murder?

<At same time>
Husband: If anyone hurt my chil-

Me: Being forced to listen to jazz music — I mean, children. I’m going with the children thing.

Saw a grown man riding down the street on a BMX.

I yelled what does BMX stand for?

He replied “DUI”.

Her: Going out with the girls.
Me: Please give my best to the coven.
Her:
Me: Did I say that out loud?

People who say losing weight is “just math” clearly have no idea how far out of my way I go to avoid math.

When I was young I fixed my parents’ computer and now that I’m older I fix computers for my kids. Are we the only generation that knows how computers work?

So society’s *real* key workers have just been revealed.

Not the bankers. Not the traders. Not the elite hedge fund managers.

It’s the nurses. The doctors. The delivery drivers. The carers. The porters. The teachers. The shelf stackers. The check out staff.

#COVID19

My neck my back my allergy attack