Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Therapist: So you had another breakthrough?

Kool-Aid Man: Look I am so sorry we were making so much progress

You’re telling me a penguin actually wrote all these classics??

Losing weight doesn’t seem to be working for me, so just gonna concentrate on getting taller

I don’t get why someone would want the house in a divorce.

“your honor, I’d like to keep the building where my soul was sucked dry.”

Kids will talk literally all day and then go mute when you try to introduce them to someone.

[coding]

I don’t know what I did wrong. I’m an idiot

*ten minutes later*

I know what I did wrong. I’m an idiot.

Just passing along this helpful tip I found 😏

Welcome to your late 20’s, you may choose a hobby from the list below.

1. Do Crossfit
2. Make child

Grocery store

Me: reach something for me?

Tall guy: sure thing!

Me: I have an itch right under my left shoulder blade.

Me: wow I have so much shit to do before I have to pick the kids up, I need to stop getting distracted
Also me: now seems like a good time to make a wreath using wild grapevines and dried flowers for my secret Santa

It took Marcel only a few meals to realize he didn’t like being a French cat.

Lying to stupid people can give you a profound sense of satisfaction, it can also make you president.

It’s 97 degrees outside and my kids want to sit in the hot tub. The devil needs to come pick up his children

Filling animals with helium is kinda weird, but whatever floats your goat.

The pinnacle of parenthood is when you switch to Chuao Chocolatier Spicy Maya Dark Chocolate Bars, because you know the kids won’t touch them.

evening walk in the woods with the grandkids…

Them: Pappy it’s really dark. We’re scared.
Me: You’re scared? I’m the one who has to walk home alone.

If I turned into a “teen wolf” my first order of business would definitely be helping my basketball team get to the local championships!

My kid said scales measure how fast we are. So anyway, I stepped on our scale and I’m a lot faster than I thought I was.

3 wishes for when I find a genie:
1. The more I eat the skinnier I get
2. One kid grows up to be a pharmacist
3. Other kid owns a winery

Unless you and your family were attacked by Bigfoot, then no, I don’t want to see your camping pictures.

Help me practice my knife throwing skills.

You catch.

DATE: Did you know a octopus can slip through any hole his beak can fit?
ME: …haha no.
[Later]
ME: *tearing apart my almost-finished octopus jail blueprints*

They:’What doesn’t kill you..’

Me:’I don’t want to be stronger.’

“Dude! You rock!”
– stated excitedly

“… You stone! You worse than senseless thing!”
– held back 93 times out of 100

at my physical this week the male nurse was going through my history & asking if I still take xy&z meds and he goes “do you still take IUD?” I stared at him for a sec and said “it’s still…in me…yes.” he goes “oh it’s an implant, ok.” sir you are a NURSE 😭

Why did they call it a parish and not a priestcinct?

Girlfriend: You never say anything romantic to me.

Me: *just called her the rootinest tootinest cowboy the west has ever seen* Are you joking right now?

I got you a new pair of cement shoes!
Go ahead, try em on real quick…

“Get a load of this guy!”- Receptionist at a sperm bank.

When I visit my family’s houses and use their wifi I usually get suggested ads with what they’re buying me for Xmas