Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

My 3 year old asked how long he had to wait until he could stop listening to me. I told him he had to listen to me for the rest of his life. He looked me dead in the eyes and said, “I’ll listen to you for the rest of YOUR life.” Toddlers are cold-blooded, man.

My husband excused himself from the table to take a work call. What’s the official waiting period on stealing his fries?

[Our bedroom, morning]

Alarm clock: *beeps*

Wife: *presses snooze*

Alarm clock: *beeps*

Wife: OMG READ THE ROOM

No one:
My kid: Mumma, you don’t have to worry about what happened in the kitchen.

[a person I want to be friends with so bad offers me a cigarette]

Me: oh I love these!

Them: *goes to light it for me*

Me: *already eating it*

Me: don’t tell mom where we hid her birthday presents.

3yo: I won’t.

Wife: hey guys.

3yo: mom your birthday presents are definitely not under my bed.

Never go out with a flight attendant,
all you’ll get for breakfast is a bag of peanuts and instant coffee.

(painted my 7yr old’s nails)
7: I know you did the best you could, it’s just that, the colors we’re supposed to have an ombré effect.
Me: Oh, an ombré effect. Well, if you’re dissatisfied with the service please feel free to leave a negative review for my non existent nail salon.

kids are so chill, they never force you to eat vegetables, like their adult counterparts

[sitting in the front seat of an UberPool while a couple makes out hardcore in the back]

[at a red light, the driver and i suddenly lock eyes]

me: do ya wanna…?

uber driver: no

Highly Misleading Pictures That Will Make You Need To Look Twice At To Understand

vanessa carlton drove a piano one thousand miles to get to the one she loved and i can’t even get a text back.

Me: check it out, this guy is selling new iPhones for $20

Her: they’re probably phoney

Me: *unvelcro-ing wallet* I hope so, they’re phones

Just got a job opening demanding 13-18 yrs of experience in iOS development.

Do they realize that the platform itself is 8 years old?

coworker suggested i drink fewer than six energy drinks so i tossed him through the break room like a discus

Is that a sweet potato in your pants, or are you just oddly shaped?

My phone just changed CrossFit to Croissant, this phone really knows me better than any human.

GUY WITH TONS OF BLACKLIGHTS AROUND HIS APARTMENT: Hey come on in!
GUY WHO LIKES TO RUB CAT URINE ALL OVER HIMSELF: Ummm. Nah I’m good.

People like to encourage you with helpful advice like “sing like no one is listening” but hate it when you actually do it in line at the Target checkout

Me: Can I get a sick note?

Doctor: Here u go.

Me:

Note: *coughs*

[twirls in a dress made of knives]

Oh, this old thing? Just something I put on and wield against innocent bystanders every 28 to 31 days.

I have two options:
1) go and pick up my son from after school club and get absolutely soaked in the rain.
2) leave him there for the weekend.

Its a little cheesy but holding up a boom box outside her window and blasting the song “Cotton Eye Joe” will win her back everytime

[reading of my will]
To my nephew, William, I bequeath the satisfaction equivalent of unjamming and popping out a compact disc tray; I also leave him the alacrity to accept what a shit inheritance this is, and then $100k just to spite the other nephews who never sucked up to me.

[bruce wayne falls into a cave inhabited by a hibernating bear & things turn out very differently]

I cannot stop laughing. Bungalow.

My 3yo surprised me with a giant loving hug and then uttered those four magic words: “I did something bad”

You look like the kind of girl who would break my heart.
I have a boyfriend.
See, you’re done it already.

me: sorry if I’m bothering you

surgeon: how do you keep waking up and saying that